Why you should care
Because no one gets good at sex by accident.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
EUGENE, SIR: Can you explain to me why my boyfriend is so insane about my being able to take him down my throat during oral? I’ve asked him to explain and he says it feels good, just deeper, which, as an explanation, is really lacking. I mean, isn’t deep throating just media hype, or is the experience actually better? — Jen
Dear Jennifer Juniper: Asking me to explain why your boyfriend is insane for any sex act over another is a little bit of a reach, but I’m interpreting your question as being directly related to whether or not deep throating offers a qualitatively superior experience. But to get to there, we have to go through here: A friend of mine used to find his path to orgasm aggressively shortened if whomever he was having sex with started talking “dirty.” So much so that he had to place a hand over his partner’s mouth to delay orgasm. The words, abstract vibrations in the air, had as much of an effect on my friend as your oral skills appear to be having on your beau. Which is to say it might be a qualitative improvement, or he might just think it’s a qualitative improvement. In the end, though, the result is the same: reduced TTO (time to orgasm).
Physically, the throat is a more constricted opening than the mouth. If your boyfriend’s penis is large, a narrower space might provide some friction-fueled fun, or it could just be some transgressive quirk having to do with submissiveness. But that doesn’t really matter if it’s working for you and it’s working for him, no? So, sorry that I haven’t been as helpful as I could be, but to answer your very specific question on the basis of an informal and anecdotal survey, I must answer no, not media hype, and yes, actually better. Hope this helps.
The State of Affairs
EUGENE, SIR: Discovered my husband of the past decade has been having an affair when I found a video of him and his lover on his phone. We’re trying to work it through, but it’s driving me crazy that he had said he wanted to get more adventurous and the sex in the video was more adventurous (and on the rough side). I had also been saying I wanted to get more adventurous, so why was it my job to do it, and when I didn’t do it fast enough he felt he had an excuse to screw around? — Hurt & Angry
Dear HA: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Sex sometimes works best when people aggressively pursue their own ends. Which is a lot easier to do in a relationship’s early stages than later on, when you’ve both established what we in the industry call a “routine.” This routine is the enemy of pursuing your own ends. It comes from the notion that there’s such a thing as “good enough” in the sexual comportment department. An idea that would be understood as completely crazy if we were talking about, well, love. Never would you tell your lover that you love them “good enough.” But sex, a potent undoer of erstwhile good relationships, is sometimes too casually perceived as an afterthought.
By which I mean, if you wanted more adventure, waiting for someone to bring you adventure doesn’t serve your interests well, even if you make decisions as a couple (and that’s part of your routine). I’m not blaming you for what happened — your husband decided he was through with negotiating and made his own decisions — but I am trying to explain what I think happened. If you had wanted him to bark like a dog and crawl before sex, demanding he do so is much sexier than waiting for him to guess and suggest that maybe, kinda, sorta if you really wanted him to, he could crawl across the room while barking. After 10 years of marriage, you probably have no problem buying him presents because you know what he likes — this should be no different. I can’t imagine he’s that complicated or that you saw stuff on the video that surprised you. The issue here, though, is what do YOU like? Figure it out, kick it into gear and don’t take no for an answer. Good luck.
EUGENE, SIR: Could you live with discovering that your lover had been a sex worker? That’s where I now find myself. I’m also panicked about disease. — Name withheld by request
Dear HA: Sex workers say the darnedest things. Usually that they’re sex workers and usually well after you’ve already decided that you like having them around. Which places you in a quandary. Do you believe that bit about this being part of their past and not a big enough thing to mention, or do you not? And if you do believe it, what else will you believe? And if you don’t believe it, can you live with the reality and the lie about the reality? I know, not my business to ask questions — it’s not like I’m Socrates over here — but here’s a solution: Everyone gets tested; you understand that based on how much you’re freaking out, it was probably a sensible lie to tell in the first place and you decide to move ahead; and last but not least, maybe verify that your lover’s source of income is no longer sex work. Unless you’re cool with it, in which case I’d have to ask, who wrote your letter for you?