Strange Sex Fantasies + Hazy Heterosexuals

Strange Sex Fantasies + Hazy Heterosexuals

Why you should care

Because if we’re your last hope for sexual success, you should.

Chilly Willies

EUGENE, SIR: The only position I can get off in is if my boyfriend is laying flat on his back and I am on top of him. This is not a problem for him or me. The problem is, and I’ve told no one this, I have been imagining him dead. I can get off if I don’t imagine him dead but I do so much faster if I imagine him dead. I should also say I am happy with this relationship. — name withheld

Dear Weekend at Bernies: Despite an old professor of mine, Herant A. Katchadourian who’s virtually written the book on human sexuality titled not so surprisingly the Fundamentals of Human Sexuality, opining in class that those who could be called necrophiliacs were most assuredly in the grips of some mental imbalance, I heartily disagree. My reasons for disagreeing are several but mostly that after reading Krafft-Ebing’s Psychopathia Sexualis, getting off on things that at least used to be human really seems the least of it. And unless you’re going to tell me that your fantasy also includes making him dead, I’d have to say no harm-no foul.

Which is, I am guessing, why you wrote me. That is, to have me sanction your kink. And that I am more than glad to do. However …. what separates a fetish from a kink seems to me to be a monomaniacal focus on said fetish/kink. Something only you can judge as the intensity of your fantasy life is only guessed at by me while maybe known by you. So it could be something as mildly kinky as when he’s on his back you have greater control over your orgasm, and in one of those weird mind twists that happen when no one else is paying attention to make this make sense you imagine he’s dead.

OR the entry point is “I’m having sex with a corpse.” Which is a little more involved. While I’d not suggest getting a t-shirt made that said this or even sharing it with your boyfriend unless you want to, it really feels pretty harmless to me.

Now if you start imagining yourself murdering him first? Write me back. Soon.

Taking a Waive On the Shave

EUGENE, SIR: Will it ever be possible for me to have sex with a man with pubic hair again? Should I blame the fact that I have not for the last decade on porn? Can I lodge a complaint with you and have it heard somewhere in the modern world that pubic hair is OK? It makes grown men look like 12 year olds! — N.R.

Dear Dirty Hairy: For those of us who had sex back in the 1970s word should be carried into the future of now in regards to pubic hair: you’re not missing much. But I understand where you’re coming from and it probably feels a little bit like tribal tattoos: something that was at some point cool and now totally fails to be. Especially when guys who are totally uncool are trying to rock this kind of cool like all it takes to BE cool is a razor and five minutes in the shower.

However, there are upsides, even if they’re only aesthetic and from a man’s point of view the upsides are significant and here’s a secret that I am sharing with you well away from the baleful glare of my brethren: it’s not porn that’s driving the shaving ”epidemic”. It’s the functional fact that without pubic hair every penis looks larger.

Optical illusions aside I’m quite sure if you made it a condition of future sexual contact you’d have decades worth of partners willing to grow it in for you.

Gay, Not Indiscriminate

EUGENE, SIR: I am a man who likes to have sex with men. I am not shy or secretive about this and have lived my life in the open for the last 10 years. But what I am running into often enough that I now have to ask you for some insight is, heterosexual men who want to have sex with me. I refuse to have sex with heterosexual men mostly because I like having sex with men who know how to have sex with men but what is going on in hetero-males heads? — Michael

Dear Liking Mike: I guess they must have run out of quotation marks before you started writing your email so I’ll just recast your sentence for you: “heterosexual” men…blah blah blah…”hetero”-males…and, well, you get where I am going with this. These are free floating designations and if the Kinsey scale is believable and not just a justification for his own secret preferences it seems that there might be some preference fluidity. But I am still going to call bullshit on men who insist that they are “heterosexual” but seek out homosexual contacts.

Baby, you’re “bisexual”, embrace it. That was to them. To you? Sorry but we’re on the tail end of the both the stigma age and the jaundiced-and-overstimulated-beyond-reasonable-accomodation age. Which is to say men are not stigmatized so much for wanting this that they never try it but are stigmatized enough for it that they think they must lie about it. And with hetero porn pouring out of all of our pores men seeking sensations that are new and different might be seeking them between your legs.

To your credit, and possible annoyance. Look at this way: at least they’re not chasing you and beating you up like they used to do on the regular in the “old” days.

Photography by Shutterstock

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OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.