Spice Up Your Sex Life (and Your Marriage)

Spice Up Your Sex Life (and Your Marriage)

Why you should care

Because they don’t sell YOU sexy. You sell THEM sexy.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Sex Discrepancy

EUGENE, SIR: My husband claims he can’t keep up with my “constant and continual” sexual demands. He says that twice a week should be enough. I’m 40 and he is 45 and we’ve been married since I was 23. He has officially given up on “trying” to satisfy me. The thing is, what he calls “twice” a week is really “once a month”. I know because I’ve been keeping count and I don’t know what the statistics show but that feels low to me. He doesn’t have a problem getting it up though, he just has a problem wanting to get it up, so something like Viagra would not help him at all. Any natural or chemical remedies that help with desire? —name withheld by request

Dear Sex Fiend: You mean outside of divorce? Of course, though you’d be surprised how the threat of zero times a month might juice up someone’s appreciation for sexual congress betwixt long term marrieds. But I’m not a fan of threats nor divorce as tools for successful relationships and instead give you a socially responsible answer. AND a socially irresponsible one as well.

The socially responsible one has you all trundling off to a sex therapist who will in all likelihood recommend specialists, endocrinologists, and so on who will as an adjunct to therapy poke and prod and try to treat the micro-issues in the hopes that the macro-issues will follow. Micro-issue treatment might see them administering testosterone, which even in low doses will cause some sort of uptick. That’s the good news. The bad news is that according to The Journal of Sexual Medicine one in five men would rather do anything other than have sex and about 30 percent of women out there are in the same boat you are, largely underserved.

Which brings us to the socially irresponsible answer. If affairs are not your thing, and these and the guilt will go a long way toward helping you appreciate Mr. Not Tonight Dear, there’s always The Whole 9 Yards. Which includes acting out every filthy fantasy he’d ever given voice to, like ever, and being willing to chase that wherever it goes: threesomes, foursomes, swapping, whatever. Socially irresponsible since that road could end up just about any old chaotic place but at least it’ll help you chart a future course since if he shuts this down like I suspect he might well you’re back to my original suggestion, divorce. Not an option to be taken lightly at all.

Now get out there and get AFTER IT!

Not-So-Groovy Lubey

EUGENE, SIR: Do many people use lube for a blow job like you all just said in that article about sex lube? I never have. Eww, I’m gagging a little … —Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen

Dear Dinah: You ever read the small print on some packages of pasta? Let’s assume for a second that you have not. I’m hear to tell you that what the small print on pasta packages sometimes says is “No pasta should be placed in the ear canal. Severe damage to the ear drum may occur.” Do you know what had to happen for them to print that on a package of pasta? Someone had to have sued because they jammed uncooked pasta into their ear, damaged their eardrum and had a lawyer say, “We could make this work!” Now, why they stuck the offending pasta in the ear? Still a mystery to me.

But the point here is this: People will try anything and everything. I know people who have masturbated with Bengay. Or had sex with vacuum cleaners. Or converted flashlights. In full light and consideration of the aforementioned, does it seem that outlandish to think that some would want to add a little lubrication to the existing in-mouth, saliva-based lubricant while orally pleasuring their partners? Even given that the reason sex works even a little bit at all is because of friction? It shouldn’t.

You see, there are more things in heaven and on earth than you’ll find in your books of science, Dinah. Like being fellated by someone with a mouthful of nonsemen-based goo. That they had to pay for.

Comment

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.

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