Shameless Rivals, Gay Ways + Race Wars

Shameless Rivals, Gay Ways + Race Wars

Why you should care

Because bad sex is sometimes worse than no sex at all.

Is It Cheating If … ?


EUGENE, SIR: A friend of mine hit on my partner right in front of me. I gave him a “what the hell are you doing?” look and he just shrugged and smiled. He has even on one drunken occasion told me he wants to hook up with her. I laughed it off until I noticed no one else was laughing. Is there a handy strategy that does not involve fistfighting that I can or should use to back him off? —Keeping the Party Polite

Dear Danger, Danger, Will Robinson: Is there?!?! Haha, you mean you NEED to ask? OK. I get it. You want some sort of impartial sanction for fistfighting and you must imagine if anyone is going to give it to you, it’s going to be me. Well, you might be wrong here, because I have never, ever, never seen anyone punch their relationship back to health. No matter what Ray Rice says. (Sorry.)

And of course, you left out the most salient, significant part of the puzzle: What does your partner think? I, of course, think of Hamlet and his great idea to have the players act out a play in front of his mother and uncle, and “if they but blanch I know my course.”

Don’t know if your partner is prone to such blanching, but my strong suggestion is that you shed some light on what I personally find to be a refreshingly and sociopathically honest take on stealing your woman: ASK the woman in question if YOU have anything to worry about. Because I am sure she gets offered penis quite often and probably turns it down just as often. But guys like your friend are really quite good for the relationship ecosystem, since they keep you vigilant and are more than happy and able to consume sick and ailing relationships in one fell swoop.

While this may not make you feel much better if it happens to you, you should largely be thankful such predators exist. Since if your game is tight … you’ve got nothing to worry about. And if it isn’t? Well, that’s what he’s there for: helping you see that which you had not seen.

Hammerhead Homosexuality


EUGENE, SIR: Gay dudes keep hitting on me. I’m enlightened and don’t care so much about this. But it’s the ones that don’t get the hint that kind of frost me. Asking me three or four times when I have said “no” three or four times to sext you a penis pic is lame. Don’t mean to be a dick, but is there a nice way to stop this? —Man Magnet

Dear Woe Is Me: See my answer above regarding the frequency faced by the average heterosexual woman of penis offerings, maybe even survey a few yourself, or just disguise yourself and play around a bit online as a woman, and then pull a number and get in the sexual harassment line and someone will get back to you.

But seriously, first off: “Gay dudes keep hitting on me”? You mean every time you go to a gay bar gay dudes are hitting you? Every time you’re innocently cruising around online at Grindr? Or is your men’s room stance a skosh wide? Look, most hetero dudes don’t have this “problem” occurring overly much unless they are part and parcel to the silent sending of signals commonly picked up by gaydar.

So methinks the lady protests too much here. But you asked for advice and I’ll give it to you and it’s this: delete emails from gay dudes asking you for penis pics while you’re chatting online with gay dudes because you’re not gay. Oy yoi yoi.

Having Gone Black


EUGENE, SIR: In that special time in a relationship where you give a somewhat Reader’s Digest-y version of your sexual history, I told my new man about an ex who happened to be black. His reaction was surprisingly not positive and it’s continued. Usually in the form of “jokes,” but it’s clear that he is obsessed with this particular part of my past. Can we get past this? —Gone With the Wind?

Dear Polly: Probably not.

Motivated as it is by possible facts, possible fictions concerning penile length, girth and rhythmic advantages that might make sex play better, there is nothing that will soothe a paranoiac focus on the supposed sexual superiority of the black male offering. Especially as so many will spend their time telling him it doesn’t matter so he will never not believe that it really doesn’t matter.

So let’s do something else. Maybe tell him YES, your ex’s penis was longer and thicker, and your ex could actually make love like making love was magic and … well, actually, just end it there. For no other reason than if you’re not going to be able to convince him EVER that your ex is an ex for a reason and that you’re certainly not still with Worried White Guy because he himself is bad at these things or does them poorly … well, you might as well have some fun with it. Especially if by “it” you mean the soon-ending of your present relationship.

But for the future? Most don’t need or want details that are any more specific than name, rank and serial number no matter what they say.

Photography by Shutterstock.

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OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.