Shame Game, Backfield Motions and Spit Takes

Shame Game, Backfield Motions and Spit Takes

Why you should care

Because telling you about ways to improve your sex life is probably a damned sight better than us showing you. 

VA-VA-Voom

EUGENE, SIR: Something weird. I’m not a heavy consumer of porn. Not even an occasional one. I’m going to say maybe once a month I find myself looking at something or another online. Like eating candy, if I am bored, well, there I am. Just recently though I stumbled into something that got my attention. A video with not so much sex but lots of VA [verbal abuse] and it turned me on. Who knew? Is there a way to work this into my repertoire without my wife thinking I have lost my mind? We are in our late 30s. — Walt

Dear Kissing Your Lover With That Mouth: One of the most clear-cut benefits of having a new partner is that it lets you leapfrog your way into an evolution that better accords with interests that change and shift over time. If you’re having the same sex you had when you were 18 years old and you’re now 36, then something is very very wrong. OR, you’re very, very good. In any case, if it’s a first date with someone new, before the stakes get very high, you can say quite comfortably over canapés, “You know what I think is hot? Me calling you a ‘filthy whore’ …” — and just let it hang there.

If the shock and umbrage is too high, you can try retreating, if you want to, behind the ol’ “just joking” routine; otherwise stand your ground until you find someone who says, “What?!?! You TOO?!?”

Of course this does not apply to you since you are married, making the heavy lifting involved a little, well, heavier. Since one of the earmarks of marriage eternal is supposed to be, but rarely is, the notion that two people become one and evolve together, the likelihood that your wife has arrived at an interest in being called a “filthy whore” right around now? Possibly not high. But the fact that you’re there now speaks volumes since good long-term relationship sex has to do with surprises, and I’d guess your surprise in discovering a later-in-life interest in sexy name-calling is a loud hint that it’s time for a change. Pussyfooting your way to here won’t work, so swing it like with the aforementioned first date: “You know what I think is hot? …”

This may work. Or may not. But you’ll get credit for trying. And the surprise factor that’s so necessary to keeping things, well, surprising? Ratcheted up to 11. So good luck, Potty Mouth! You’re going to need it.

Backasswards

EUGENE, SIR: I read an article recently about the rise in reconstructive surgery in teen girls in the U.K. because of the “popularity” of anal sex. It was an article talking about how teens’ views of normal sex are really skewed because of the inevitability that kids are running across porn at a younger and younger age and thinking porn is reality. It is also being used as a form of birth control, meaning no protection is being worn to stop the spread of disease. And, of course, causing horrible injury requiring surgery. What the hell is going on? Is this as prevalent in the U.S.? I can’t believe there is a high percentage of adults who have anal sex, let alone teens. Excuse my pun, but this seems a shitty mess. What is the percentage of people who have anal sex? Is it more common than I think? Women just don’t talk about these things, I guess. But I don’t know ANYONE who has anal sex. 1. Disgusting 2. Ow 3. Disgusting. 4. Why? It seems men are happy and willing to put their penis in anything. — Sulie

Dear Ass Averse: Invites to parties where this does constitute polite conversation are probably parties we all need to go to because despite your fecal horror, anal sex has now officially become a thing. A national sex survey in 1992 out of Indiana University, called the the National Health and Social Life Survey, found that 16 percent of women ages 18 to 24 had tried anal sex. The same study in 2010 showed that 20 percent of women ages 18 to 19 had tried it. Forty percent of women ages 20 to 24 had done so. And they’re doing so up to their late 40s. And they’re doing it more frequently.

This doesn’t mean there are no clouds to the silver linings. In the U.K., certain aspects of it have sparked concern, but people — people who are not you — are having a grand ol’ time with it. Because 1. Sex is sometimes dirty; 2. If care is taken, it’s not as painful as you’re guessing; 3. Any kind of sex when looked at too closely might elicit the same response in those with certain sensitivities; and 4. Because it feels good. Like green eggs and ham, until you try it with a sensitive, careful, smooth-handed partner of your choosing, you’ll never know what transgressive delight you’re missing out on. Or not.

Loogie Love

EUGENE, SIR: I want to spit in my boyfriend’s face. Not because I hate him but for the exact opposite reason. Should I just do it (part of my fantasy), or should I tell him I want to do it first? — name withheld by request

Dear Spraying It Not Saying It: Unless there are balloons and party hats involved, you might steer clear of sexual surprises of this kind. Besides which, the look on his face when you bust loose with “You know what I think is hot …?” all eager anticipation, will be priceless when you complete the sentence. But start slow. Spitting in his open mouth is probably less symbolically upsetting than spraying one across his face. Just an idea.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.