Sexy Plastic Surrogates: Yay or Hell Nay?

Sexy Plastic Surrogates: Yay or Hell Nay?

Why you should care

Because sex doesn’t come with an owner’s manual, though this is damned close.

Toy Story

EUGENE, SIR: I hate sex toys, mostly because I think they’re boring. My girlfriend loves them. My refusal to use them is turning into something of a problem. Is there a midway point here? And what’s the deal with sex toys anyway? — Spencer

Dear Mr. For Hire: Colors? Meet palette. The reality of it is that lights, incense and “mood” music are all designed to burnish experience. Which is why they’re present in religious ceremonies — lights, incense and music, not dildos. Unless, that is, your house of worship is on some next-level stuff. But these things are being pulled in because they add coloration to what you’re saying is already a pretty colorful event. Yeah, sure, what’s colorful to you might be monochromatic to your girlfriend. And having heard this complaint from men way more than once, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is very possibly about competitive pressures more than anything else.

But you know what? A dildo can’t fix a kitchen sink either. Actually, neither can I, but you know what I mean. Toys are toys: colorful adjuncts to what’s happening on the main field of play. And I can understand you not digging it, but to a certain degree sex is sometimes about finding pleasure in what your partner finds pleasurable, right? So while it might seem that what I’m saying is to play along, and I sort of am, what I’m really saying is that if you can’t spend five minutes playing with plastic during the part of the play that involves what she wants, then don’t expect any/many to give a damn about what you want when you want it.

Also, depending on your preferences and peccadilloes, in the end you might prefer to have plastic filling those spaces you can’t get to with your rather singular penis than to have other penises filling those places.

Table Tennis

EUGENE, SIR: At dinner recently, my boss’ wife grabbed me under the table. I did nothing since I didn’t know what to do. Now I feel trapped and pressured. I’m happily married, but I also need my job, and it seems like saying no to my boss’ wife threatens my job while telling my boss about his wife does the same. I’ve been hoping this goes away, but the invites to socialize are increasing and I cannot duck them all. Help me please. — Name withheld by request

Dear Driving Ms. Daisy: You are screwed, my friend. Your only hope, and it’s not even really a hope, is that they’re swingers, and this is being done with the full faith and confidence of the guy you’re so desperately trying to impress that you didn’t call his wife out immediately for this crap.

What?!? Eugene?!? What?!?

Look, if someone grabbed you on the subway, you’d know what to do, right? But those are strangers, and these are “friends” — or, at the very least, friends with benefits — so what to do gets kind of fuzzy. Standing up and blasting her onto Front Street? Probably not going to fly.

However, if you are indeed happily married, these kinds of drawing room games are just not the kind of thing to have in your headspace, so you must do exactly what you’d do if the circumstances were such that it was your wife who was grabbed: Nip this in the bud, toot sweet.

At the time? “I’m sorry. Did you drop something?” Said while looking at the errant hand. Only she and you can see that she’s just about to get busted big time. And you’ve comfortably established yourself as someone who will SAY something.

A second time? Accept the invite, and if the wandering hand strikes again, note it in a public way that leaves room for doubt but still serves notice. Of? Your happily married status not being something to be trifled with.

Got it? Good.

Fighting the Fantasy

EUGENE, SIR: I keep thinking of this thing, but it seems almost impossible to make happen. I also know some things are better left undone, but is there a safe way to indulge my interest in sex with multiple men simultaneously? I’m 40 and new to being single and this is on my bucket list. Safe suggestions welcome. — KD

Dear Katie: This gets tricky. Semantically speaking. I mean. Because if you’re having a fantasy, it could be said that you’re indulging that fantasy. So I think what you mean is actualizing that fantasy, and that’s a totally different thing. I’m also unsure if you mean in the same space and time frame, which is to say, in the same bed at the same time or just a generalized non-monogamy, so I will answer all and everything you could have been asking and hope for the best.

As you have no doubt figured out, penis is aplenty. So scarcity is scarcely the issue here.

The right kind of penis and, even better, the right-minded owner of said penis is what you’re looking for. And presuming you’re talking about group-sex scenarios, there are lifestyle groupings in or near most major cities in America that cater to MMMMM4W. Your best and safest practice is to always employ a spotter to keep the party polite, lay out ground rules prior to the party, and book a hotel since they have built-in safety parameters (yes, hotel dicks, or detectives, really do exist and are not just a 1940s movie affectation).

You can also find accommodating members in swingers’ clubs, which exist in profusion if you have the eyes to see online.

However, if you want to date a bunch of men but not all at once and in the same bed? Any reasonable dating site can offer that, providing you spend the time coordinating names with faces and avoiding the emotional entanglements you might find at an eHarmony as readily as you avoid the casual disregard that might be part and parcel of jinking through CougarLife.

In any case, this you have correctly guessed: The world is your oyster. Or snail. Or whatever. Enjoy it. And good luck.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.