Sexy, Drug, Food Addicts!

Sexy, Drug, Food Addicts!

Why you should care

Because we’ve got absolutely no reason at all to lie to you about how good you are in bed. 

Sex Sirocco

EUGENE, SIR: My asshole friends have now intervened on account of what they believe is my “sex addiction”. In general, unless I am having sex at least every other day with someone new, I feel I am being underserved. I’m in good shape, smart, funny and almost 40. I meet women on Craigslist, Tinder, Match.com, the supermarket, the gym and at work and the only place I feel weird and bad about is work, since if things go bad there, I lose my job. But an intervention?!? I am angry. Since when did it become popular to punish people for being successful? I suspect it is because I sleep with married women. Not a crime last time I checked. But are my friends creeps or is it me? To put a number to it, I slept with 63 women last year. Some were at sex parties where I might have had sex with three women a night, so it’s not as much as it sounds like. – Paul

Dear Wilt Chamberlain:

You will never make any headway trying to get people with lesser appetites to understand that while one is good enough for them, 1000’s not nearly enough for you and if you’re going to spend your time trying you will be sore vexed. And have not nearly the kind of energy you clearly need to put away the kind of numbers you have. That being said, whether they are motivated by jealousy, envy or concern that your loose moral code may touch them in the most unpleasant of ways when they’re off at work, their question remains well-put and you’d not be writing if you thought, on some level, that they were wrong. It seems like you’d just like the question framed a little differently so I’ll do that for you here: how do you know if you’re a sex addict?

Not the aggregate numbers. Because when you look at the statistics, most heterosexual men report having a lifetime average of seven sex partners, while women have four, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. Of course, it took a psychologist at the University of Michigan, Norman R. Brown, to call bullshit on those numbers which he adjusted to men having 31.9 partners and women having 8.6. Right before he revealed that 10 percent were lying and 5 percent were REALLY lying. So who knows what sexy evil lurks in the pants of men, and women? But numbers don’t a sex addict make.

My take then? You’re a sex addict if you’ve ceased enjoying it and it’s screwing up your life. That’s it. Absent all of that? Maybe brag less, share even less, and don’t screw their women. Happy hunting with all of the tools the available technology is extending your way!

Sex, Drugs + Rock & Roll Minus the Rock & Roll

EUGENE, SIR: I want to take some MDMA for a weekend of fun. My man is concerned since he’s had erection problems with Ecstasy. I told him they were different but I’m not so sure. Will they make it hard for him to get an erection? – Ana B.

Dear Gift of the Magi:

First of all, most agree that you’re talking about essentially the same drug. Molly being the powder form that when pressed into pill shape is called Ecstasy. Now, I’M NO DOCTOR but, in general and true or not, the powder is felt to be more pure, the pill more jampacked with possibly erection-destroying chemicals that while increasing your sense of lovey-ness and close connectedness might make it completely impossible to capitalize on any of that LOVE.

And this has been reported to affect both men and women. Inability to get or maintain an erection and sometime inability to ejaculate if you’re a man or reach orgasm if you’re a woman. Probably because the drug destroys neurons that produce serotonin, a drug that helps you relax, concentrate and regulates sex, aggression, sleep and moods.

Is there a cure? Well, I’M NO DOCTOR, but we’ve heard tell that erectile dysfunction drugs work well, even if the mix of Viagra and MDMA might not be the healthiest, in getting it up for a weekend of fun. Sorry to not have better news for you, but forewarned is forearmed.

Filthy Food Fun

EUGENE, SIR: We’ve gotten into food fun recently. But during a dinner party we had I had some friends helping in the kitchen and before I could say anything one of them had used one of our “play” cucumbers for the salad. I didn’t want to say anything and didn’t. But I started drinking and after it had been eaten told everybody what had happened. To my surprise they were upset. Some demanding apologies. It’s not like she didn’t wash if before she used it in the salad and no one would have known if I didn’t tell them, so what’s the big deal? – name withheld

Dear Vegemagician:

Your friends have a point, and I think you know it. They might love you but there’s a big difference between loving you and eating foodstuff that have been seasoned by your private parts. Cucumbers are cheap. Either eat them yourselves and buy new UN-dildo’d ones for your guests or don’t but under no circumstances should you feed your guests food that’s been inside your body!

Things I Thought I Would Never Have to Say #307.

Comment

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.

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