Sexcorting + Humpaphobia

Sexcorting + Humpaphobia

Why you should care

Because you can’t spell ”sex” without “success!” Well, yes, you can, but, well, oh, never mind.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Pretty Woman: A Primer?

EUGENE, SIR: After a greater than 15-year marriage and a five-year-and-ongoing divorce (the latter with concurrent abstinence), I would like to have sex again but have no interest in developing a relationship with a woman (friends, yes; benefits, way too complicated). There are still minor kids involved, so I’ll be in contact with the ex love of my life for years, which is certainly part of the issue. The disinterest in a relationship appears mostly mutual, but on those occasions when I’m interested in someone else, my urge to flee is overwhelming. I’ve heard that escorts who don’t look or smell excessively cranked out are available for such situations. What have you heard about arranging such a transaction? I’ve not taken this route before, previously preferring the finding of a non-charging and willing woman and see-what-happens approach. Also, my job is such that I might never work again with a misdemeanor conviction for solicitation and I’m no spring chicken. More of a winter rooster. Suggestions? —Celibate, Not Celebrating

Dear CNC Music Factory: It’s pretty clear to me and anyone else reading this who is using their eyes to read it that the fire for your ex-flame is far from extinguished. Hedging your bets on her possible return, you avoid emotional entanglements as being detrimental to your long-term prospects but hope to get some strange in under the wire. Yes? I don’t judge, and this seems fairly well reasoned to me, but for one small but powerful proviso: They NEVER come back. Oh, sure, she might return, but as anyone who has ever read W.W. Jacobs’ great short story The Monkey’s Paw knows: Gone is sometimes good. Or put another way, the same lover who leaves is often not the one you meet again.

But never mind that. You were asking specifically about professionals and yes, you heard correctly. There are still men and women who are not being sex trafficked who choose to make their non-drug-addled living having sex with the likes of you in return for cash. How to find them? Well, I’m no pimp, but if I were, I would recommend a site like the Eros Guide. Amusingly, there also used to be a site named FrugalJohn, “Where the Women Are Cheap,” but alas, those in search of cut-price pros have wandered off elsewhere, and the site is now dead.

But where motivated sellers meet motivated buyers, only magic can happen. In their hotel room or one you rent for the occasion (incall or outcall, respectively), you can have sex with as many women as your wallet, your local laws and your interest in having sex with someone who cares about you not at all can afford. Oh, and don’t haggle. Good luck.

Husband Hates Humping

EUGENE, SIR: My husband does not want sex much anymore. We have been together for 49 years total. We are 65. I’m very much in love with him and very turned on by him still. And I am still desired by many men and my husband knows it. But I’ve always wanted more sex than he, and he made it very difficult for me when we were younger. Also, my need for him to really want me made others very attractive to me if they showed lots of interest. So I did have trouble years ago with other men being really attracted to me, and I still do on occasion, but I can go so far and then I want my husband. I have spent many nights crying and feeling so deserted. We have played with other couples in the past and could very well now, but I get upset to see him with another woman when I don’t get enough of him myself. I adore him, he really turns me on, he is a wonderful person and many women are very attracted to him. I yearn for him. I so want to be wanted. Sad story, isn’t it? —Name Withheld by Request

Dear Gift of the Magi: Sad? A half-century of unrequited lust is not sad. There’s a word for it, but “sad” is not the first one that comes to mind. But just to be clear, I adore apple pie. Apple pie really turns me on. Apple pie is wonderful, and many people are attracted to apple pie. I yearn for apple pie. But I long ago gave up expecting much of anything from apple pie. In fact, 49 years after first tasting apple pie, I have found that my relationship with pie, apple specifically, has not changed overly much. While some who are reading might be laughing right now, I am most assuredly not joking and I feel your pain deeply and keenly because part of the dis-ease/disease is this desire to be desired by that which does not desire. I’d say, if I were trying to lie to you, that perhaps there’s a health issue (his), but I don’t know enough to know if this is the case and most certainly not for 49 years. Or perhaps he’s heavily repressed/closeted. Again: Not enough info to know.

But what I do know is this: He’s not going to change. So the issue for you remains, like The Clash said, do you stay or do you go? Going won’t help. Staying won’t really either, especially as it seems you’ve talked about this all already. You’re in a special type of hell for which there does not seem to be any cure, and it sounds like you’ve got plenty of good years left, so I’ll ask you what you’re asking me: What do you do? Since it’s almost impossible to actually CREATE desire in the absence of desire, I really have no idea. Sorry.

Sex Over 250

EUGENE, SIR: In my life I’ve had sex with over 250 women. I’m 53. I heard that men like me eventually have sexual problems because we’ve been around so much. Is that true? —Bill B.

Dear Bilbo: Sex PROBLEMS? Hahahaha… The only problem you have, partner, is whether you tell your future partners about past partners and the jury is out over which approach — telling or not telling — yields better results. But since I, in general, think lying is a product of fear, and I think you’ve got nothing to fear, I say, tell it all. On the mountaintop. And if all of your parts are working and you’re disease-free and not bored by what you’re doing, what could possibly be/go wrong? Also: You DO realize that the only reason you wrote me was as a setup for the whole “I’ve had sex with over 250 women,” right? Well played.

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