Sexcess, Oral Fails + Penisizations!

Sexcess, Oral Fails + Penisizations!

Why you should care

Because coitus, if done badly, could kill you. Like, literally. We think.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Too Much / Not Enough

EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year now and are happy living together. I’m 21, she’s 19. But like in all relationships, we have our disagreements. One of them is that she thinks I’m too sexually active. If it were up to me, I would have sex with her once a day, maybe even more. She thinks that’s too much and says three to four times a week is enough. Masturbating doesn’t cut it for me anymore. So when she’s tired, just wants to hang out or is not in the mood, I ask her if she could just blow me or give me a hand job. But she says no, that I can wait till she wants to have sex. Am I too sexually active? — Miguel Herrera

Dear Getting Miggy With It: If she’s say no and you’re staying home? You are anything BUT sexually active. You are, in fact, sexually inactive, but I don’t want to go all semantic-y on you as your point remains: She doesn’t want to have sex nearly as much as you want to have sex. Now, there are two ways to answer this question: the nice, nonspecific way OR the not-so-nice paranoiac way.

I think you know which way I’m going to answer, but first this: If you made your girlfriend the BEST meal ever — I mean, just a really fantastic risotto with parsley and some lightly fried fish, drizzled with a little olive oil — do you think she would stop eating? Do you think she would want to stop eating? I am going to posit that she would eat and eat and eat, not stopping until the food (read: your penis) ran out or she was full. Right now, she is making the claim that she is full. This is a claim that makes more sense than not if the meal moves into its third hour. Then people might be full, but realistically speaking, it’s the rare meal that I am still full from on Thursday when I’ve eaten it on Monday.

Which means my suspicions are lining up with this idea that whether through a fault of yours (you don’t know what you’re doing) or a fault of hers (she doesn’t know what she’s doing), you two have fallen out of sync, leading you to feel frustrated and her to feel like she’s doing you some kind of favor. You’re right to feel frustrated. Moreover, anyone who looks at sex with a lover as a series of negotiated favors is either a creep or 19. So, solution? Find someone whose appetites better match yours. I don’t say you need to leave if that’s not in your wheelhouse to do so. I DO say it makes no sense for both of you to be miserable AND under 22. Run wild, run free. Good luck.

Bad Mouthing

EUGENE, SIR: Why are so many men bad at giving oral sex? — Ame

Dear African Methodist Episcopalian: Given that your name has a distinctive spelling, I might hazard a guess that you’re using “Sex With Eugene” to send a message to someone who reads “Sex With Eugene” about why HE is so poor at oral sex. But that would be a guess, and I’m not really in the guessing business. I’m in the … wait a minute, I guess I AM in the guessing business. In this instance, though, I’m going to take you at face value and blame YOU.

Do you wear shoes you don’t like? You might buy shoes you’re unsure of, but no matter how hard the shoe salesperson worked on you, it’s not something that happens often. Wearing them, that is. Likewise, you can keep dumping men who give bad oral sex, kicking that bad cunnilingus can down the road for someone else to deal with, or you can nip it in the bud and advise and consent! Because if a man is bad at oral sex — outside of the man who absolutely refuses to do it — everyone else has been abandoned by a woman who knew better and said nothing.

Remember! All that is necessary for evil to win out is for people of good conscience to say nothing. About bad oral sex, I mean. So, uh, if you see something? SAY something.

Penisizing Your Penis Size

EUGENE, SIR: I’ve seen the sleeve that a doctor is using to increase penis size. Do you think I could use it over my penis and under a condom if it was the same color as my penis or clear? That way, I don’t have to have surgery. — NoName

Dear Nona Me: When the news was aflutter with chatter about the cancer patient who got a penis transplant, I knew it was just a matter of time until I started receiving emails querying ways and means to double whatever it is that you’re sporting penis-wise. Good move to think along the lines of nonsurgical alternatives, since scalpels and penises still seems like a last-ditch effort to me. My answer to your question: Sure. If you were to get your hands on a polyurethane sheath the same color as your penis, could you slip it on during sex or while you were putting on your condom and create not the illusion that your penis was bigger but a sheathed penis that was actually larger? Again: Sure.

However, if you were going to try to do this and not be discovered doing it by, for example, your lover? Good luck.

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Square pegs. Round holes.