Sex Wars, Fluid Fun + Bad Vibes

Sex Wars, Fluid Fun + Bad Vibes

Why you should care

Because your genitalia would want it that way.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

My Happiness, Your Happenis

EUGENE, SIR: Great Q&A in “Totally Unsexy Death of Sex.” Men need more articles like this. More often than not, we get blamed for affairs, but never is it mentioned that women have given up on sex. Even after men sit down and talk to their partners, explaining their need for intimacy, women, especially those who are married, have no incentive to change. They have men painted in a corner and the cards stacked in their favor. If men leave, they are threatened with losing half or more of their net worth, with making huge child support payments and seeing little of their kids. It’s not totally the men’s fault, but we get the blame for being unfaithful. Most men would gladly remain faithful, but when you are told your partner isn’t interested, that it’s not worth her time to be intimate, you’re going to look elsewhere for intimacy. Never will a woman tell her friends, “I stopped being intimate with him, that drove him away.” Then women are angry that their man had an affair. I once told a woman if she didn’t want to have sex that was fine, but that I did need intimacy and if she couldn’t provide it, then I would look elsewhere. It made no impression on her. If a woman loses interest, it is her fault, not the man’s. Write more stories like this. — Ed

Dear Mr. Ed: Thanks for the love, Eddie, baby. But you know, the interesting thing about doing advice column stuff is the seeming futility of it all. Sort of like being a longtime U.N. employee. Job security? One hundred percent guaranteed. The sense that you’re having any impact at all given people’s propensity for doing the same damaging things again and again? Zero percent guaranteed. Letters come in from both sides of this spectrum, and the reality of it is, sex is sold short all the time, and so longtime couples find themselves in places just like you’re describing, both throwing in the towel and both not copping to the fact that realistically speaking, sex is sophisticated and complicated as all get-out.

After all, is it even possible to have FUN as often as sex requires us to have fun to have it and report enjoying having it?

Probably not. So what are we gunning for? Something so idiosyncratically unique that more often than not, it at least pleases us. What does this say about fidelity, monogamy, sex clubs, threesomes, role-playing, bondage or a half-dozen other philias unmentioned here? Everything. And if that doesn’t work, scoot, scoot on. In the end, the blame game helps no one. What helps everyone? Seduction, 360-degree-style. Because, realistically speaking, very few are sick of having sex. Many get sick of having it with those they’ve had it with again and again, though. Putting you at a disadvantage with, well, the mailman, for example. So make it all new again by believing that it actually can be made new again, since it clearly can. Or clear out. But sticking in limbo? Who is that helping?

Getting Near the Golden Showers Hour

EUGENE, SIR: Jessica — let’s call her Jessica — just let me know that she thinks it would be sexy if she peed in my mouth. I don’t find this sexy and said so. She said this was no different from me ejaculating in her mouth. I think there’s a big difference. She asked me what the difference was and then said I was a prude. I stormed out. There is a difference, right? — KS

Dear Kansas: Let us turn to our go-to Hippocratic oath–taker Steve Ballinger for an answer on this one: “Semen is a combination of secretions from the prostate that is like a cross between mucus and saliva, and spermatozoa, which are little living cells. So semen is like a protein drink. Urine is water, salt, bilirubin, urea and other waste products that are end products of metabolism, filtered out of the blood by the kidneys for disposal.

“A human could conceivably subsist on semen in terms of caloric and protein macros; urine might extend the time from dying of dehydration from five to 10 days. But along with the water, you would be taking in a bunch of waste material that your body doesn’t want, and eventually you would get renal failure and die. So: Semen is healthy; urine is disgusting.

“I’d say an equal exchange would be semen for vaginal secretion, which men have historically ingested plenty of, and to my knowledge no man has ever tried to get any credit or retribution for swallowing vaginal juice, hair, and plenty of other stuff.” Now storm back in there!

Bad Vibrations

EUGENE, SIR: I love using a vibrator when I have sex, but guys feel threatened by it. Stupid. — Steph

Dear Step H: If a guy was to pull out a porn mag when you were having sex, explaining it as something he did when he pleasured himself, would you feel threatened by it? I’m not saying you should, I’m just saying you might. Why might you? Well, it’s like if someone starts humming a song that’s different from the song playing on the radio. WE are listening to music, YOU’D be humming a tune. We’ve gone from something we’re doing together to something you’re doing alone. So in my mind? Not so stupid for guys to be put out by this. If you want to make it part of playtime, involve them. “I want you to grab what you find in that drawer and use it on me” is much cooler than “Gimme a minute.” Of course, if they use it badly/poorly, you have another problem on your hands, and if that’s the case, well, write back and we’ll handle it.

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OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.