Sex Trap, Magic Johnsons + Most Favored Porn!

Sex Trap, Magic Johnsons + Most Favored Porn!

Why you should care

Because if we can’t help your genitalia, no one can help your genitalia.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Fatal Attractions

EUGENE, SIR: I had sex with my woman’s best friend. That was bad. Now she’s threatening to tell my woman that I assaulted her, unless I confess. She says keeping the secret is a burden, but that I should be the one to tell since it was me who broke an “agreement.” I don’t want to say anything, but being accused of a crime is not what I want to happen either. Ideas? — Name withheld by request

Dear Damned If You Do/Don’t: “I’m not going to be ignored.” That line still reverberates years after the movie Fatal Attraction left its mark on a collective male psyche. A latter-day derivation of the Death of a Salesman-esque “attention must be paid,” the demand made by Glenn Close’s character, Alex Forrest, was for a certain accounting, and generations of women who had waited to be called back the next day and weren’t, cheered. If you were an early MRA (male rights activist), you probably took away the wrong lesson, since the correct one, as it sticks with me, is that under the right circumstances and in the right place anybody can cause anyone incalculable difficulty if they are of the mind to. Regardless of age or gender. Probably something that you yourself already now know.

So your stark choice is to either admit or get thrust into the worst kind of legal briar patch. I’m not a lawyer, so I can’t advise on the legal ramifications of such a charge, be it true or false. I can, however, advise on the personal ramifications, and these, in my mind, will trump the legal, so my advice remains singular and simply: Do nothing. A threat is only as good as someone’s willingness to carry it out; there are those who do and those who threaten to do, and the former are scarier than the latter. Besides which, it’s not like her threat to out you for your “assault” has a shelf date. Which is to say, she could still accuse you of it later.

I hope you understand now how badly you screwed up. No one who is not categorically deeply damaged or in a friendship that is damaged is screwing their best friend’s lover, even if, given proximity and affinity, the temptation is there. But realistically speaking, all you can do is hope for the best; at the very least, the moments before it all comes crashing down may someday be looked on as “the good old days.” If you get out of this in one piece? Never, ever, ever, EVER do it again. Advice that, sadly, is often ignored.

The Big Units Have Arrived

EUGENE, SIR: How do I extend the dimension of my manhood? — SR

Dear Sugar Ray: l know I issued a public plea to stop with the penis enlargement pleas. I also know that some of you, based on my in-person conversations with some of you (hi, Marc!), believe the questions are fabricated. But sometimes I’m wrong and this might be one of those cases, because while I DON’T make the questions up, which means I’ll run just about ANYTHING I get, refusing to answer penis enlargement queries was a little, um, shortsighted and possibly premature. Mostly on account of a guy who claims to be able to pull it off, so the years of bad, mutilating attempts have finally given way to something that might actually work. It comes to us from Los Angeles, naturally, courtesy of Dr. James Elist.

What it is? A silicone sleeve inserted beneath the skin that can increase your penis up to 2 inches in length and Lord knows how many in girth.

I mention this not by way of encouragement, since it’s clear to me that with 17.8 percent of the questions I receive being ABOUT various forms of penis enlargement, this is a compelling issue for many of you, but because it’s now a “thing.” Moreover, I know that once it becomes a big thing, it will be a huge thing, and though Elist claims that the FDA has approved what he does on the basis of a five-year clinical trial, and notwithstanding his $13,000 charge or 95 percent success rate, I just don’t think this is something you should do. And yes, I feel the same about boob jobs.

Why? Ultimately, it won’t make a difference. Bad relationships crumble under their own weight, partners cheat, enlargement won’t change premature ejaculation or impotency issues. A bigger penis won’t do much other than look good in swim trunks, because if you don’t know how to use said penis, the fact that it’s now large won’t make you know how to use it better.

But you can fool some of the people some of the time, so have at it if that’s your wish. I’m just warning you to reconsider. But since when did you ever listen to ME?

Porn Stylistic Differences

EUGENE, SIR: I hate the kind of porn that my boyfriend likes. I don’t hate all porn, just what he likes. He likes that Red Shoe Diaries type of porn, while I like hard-core porn. At first I thought he was watching it for my benefit, but I’ve seen his laptop and know it’s what he really likes. So do I suffer through that Victoria’s Secret slop for the rest of my life, or try to get him to see that sex is sometimes best served dirty? — Amanda

Dear Manny: People like what they like. In fact, I’d make the claim that if you had been paying attention long enough, you’d have known exactly what kind of porn your boyfriend preferred. However, spilled milk. Can you get him to see porn things your way? Unknown. Porn sometimes seems to work like a healthy counterpoint or balance in relationships. If your actual dealings are more like the porn you prefer, his softer stuff might be compensatory, and you should probably shift a little his way. If your daily dealings in bed are more what he likes? He probably needs to come your way.

OR, you could just break up and find a partner whose porn style matches yours. Just an idea.

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