Sex Styles, Flirting for Miles + Onanism All the Time

Sex Styles, Flirting for Miles + Onanism All the Time

Why you should care

Because if things are not getting better in the bedroom, in all likelihood they’re getting worse.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Flirty Gertie

EUGENE, SIR: Does a woman HAVE to flirt like a woman? If she is a confident woman, is that a turnoff for men? Because if I act like a shy, immature teenage cheerleader, I definitely get more response. It’s just irritating that I feel like I turn men off because I don’t giggle or twirl my hair. I’m not abrasive, or loud. I make eye contact, and I sit up straight. Maybe men in Idaho are dense. Yes. I know they are. They are intimidated by an independent woman. Sucks to be me. Maybe I should move to … ? —Nikki Riley

Dear Ms. Life Of: Flirting, it seems, need not be supersophisticated since you’re just informing those who interest you that your vagina is presently unoccupied so that if they are interested, well, now would be the time to make a move. And this move doesn’t need to be very fancy at all and he should get it … UNLESS the guy is stupid. In which case why would you want to screw him? And if he is smart and not picking up on this? He’s not interested. See? Simple. And useful, whether you stay in Idaho, where according to U.S. Census Bureau data there are 1.23 percent more women than men (translation: odds are against you), or move to one of the 10 states where men outnumber women — Alaska, North Dakota, South Dakota, Colorado, Utah, Montana, Wyoming, Hawaii, Idaho and Nevada — and the odds are in your favor.

But in your favor or not, flirting is a science of subtlety, and the relationships you’ll get from trawling with hair twirling and giggling are likely to be with men that you want to toss back sooner rather than later. So keep your game high and hope for the best, and if that fails: Yes, move.

Sex Fingerprints

EUGENE, SIR: After three years, yes, our relationship has developed a rhythm — I didn’t say “rut”; I said “rhythm” — and suddenly this rhythm is interrupted. He came home one night, and I don’t know whether it was how he was kissing me or some small change in how we had sex, but being given probable cause I started asking questions. Questions that ended up revealing that he had slept with someone else. I am heartbroken, but more than that I am upset at how stupid I was, but even more upset at how stupid he was. So while I don’t have any questions for you really, I just wanted to say for all the cheaters reading this that it’s the small things that catch you out, and if you don’t want to be caught, realize that to have an affair and not be discovered you really have to be careful. —Eliza

PS: Yes, I dumped him.

Dear No Shite Sherlock: I read somewhere once, and this could be totally apocryphal, that humans have senses of smell competitive with that of their canine companions. But largely on account of an unwillingness to do the dignity-free kneeling and sniffing requisite for making use of this skill, we tend not to. Which is to say we’re much more creatures of sensitive measures than we give ourselves credit for and a small change like a casually delivered kiss could be all it takes to bring the house down. Now, I know you didn’t ask any questions, but I’m also adept at answering the unasked and that’s this: Is there a causal connection between ruts and rhythms and infidelity?

The short answer? No. Those who want to cheat will use everything from stock market fluctuations to cloudy days to justify doing so. IF they’re jerks. If they’re not jerks, they’ll give no excuse at all other than that “this is just the way I am.”

A slightly longer answer is that relationship laziness is a dangerous thing and no affair develops in a vacuum, and while your discovery feels like it was early stage I would make the claim that it was actually late stage. Way-too-late stage. So as sensitive as you were to his kissing? Well, it pays to be that way about everything. That’s not paranoia; that’s just good relationship business. Not “victim blaming” since I don’t see you so much as a victim but more a primer on how to keep your healthy relationship happy. Yep: ETERNAL VIGILANCE. Now batten down the hatches and be safe out there.

Masturbation Consternation

EUGENE, SIR: I happen to masturbate a lot. Is this natural? —Jah Mokwena

Dear Ms. Life Of: No idea what you think a lot is. Indiana University’s National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior in 2009 studied 5,865 Americans and found that 13.5 percent of the men surveyed masturbate four or more times a week. And unless you’re confused, there are seven days in a week. Women in their 30s? A “whopping” 1.5 percent masturbated that often. Don’t know if this fits your definition of “a lot,” but by now you should have guessed that unless it’s costing you in ways that are either social or professional/financial, who cares? I, myself, masturbate about 37,000 times a week, and sometimes I even touch myself too.

Ba-da-bump! Is this thing on?

Every damned day, buddy!

Comment

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.