Sex Crazed, End Times + How to Prognosticate a Penis

Sex Crazed, End Times + How to Prognosticate a Penis

Why you should care

Because thousands of years of evolution is calling and wants its future back.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Crazy Sexy

EUGENE, SIR: Is it lawful and ethical for me to have sex with someone who is bipolar or crazy? A friend suggested it was neither, but the woman in question is over 21 and consenting. She is a handful, but I like her and her quirks. Am I doing the wrong thing here? — Elliot H.

Dear EH: First of all, bipolar is not the same as crazy. And while I know what you mean, “crazy” is medically inexact. I mean, you might think someone is crazy for wanting to have sex twice a night when in fact that’s not so crazy at all. Unless they’re making you dress like a pirate when doing so, and maybe not even then. In any case, “crazy” is not that helpful, and maybe not even what you mean, so I’m going to just go with bipolar and let you put the pieces together yourself.

If she is maintaining a high-functioning existence that includes, um, stuff like a car, a refrigerator, and groceries? I think you’re in the clear, legally speaking. Ethically? Providing you’re not doing anything weirdly coercive, I’m going to say sure, go ahead. But now that we no longer stigmatize bipolarism and have spent some serious scientific time studying it, it seems there might be other cautions that could go along with letting you off the hook. Part of the mania and depression that might be part of an unregulated bipolar cycle goes with a sexuality to match, which is what I guess you mean when you reference “quirks.”

So, yeah, while the three-month crying jags are a drag, they aren’t any more so than the three months of crazy-great sex you might have either pre- or post-depressive episodes. Of course, these swings can be modulated with medication. That’s the good news. The bad news: While cutting off the low lows, the medication also cuts off the high highs. Which, as might interest you, involves sex and interest in sex. None of which should really be a factor for you if you’re just looking for temporary amusement. But if you’re thinking life partner, take it much more seriously, since getting the medication right can be the difference between a life in hell or a hell of a life.

My Nutty Butty

EUGENE, SIR: I like anal sex, but my ability to enjoy it is sometimes hampered by pain that doesn’t seem to be connected to penis size. Sometimes I start out enjoying it and then it suddenly begins to hurt. I don’t always need to have anal sex, but it would be nice if I knew what to expect when having it. I’m 32 and have had 11 lovers so far, if that info helps. — BW

Dear Butt Wait: It’s my belief that anyone who has not been the receiving partner during the act of anal sex should recuse themselves from offering any kind of advice on anal sex, as it’s probably very much akin to describing interplanetary space travel when you’ve never left Pittsburgh. So I’ll say this: Based on reports, the anus can be a wild and wonderful place, but one not without cautions and irregularities of the kind you reference. And all penises are not the same, so it’s a delicate calculus no matter how you stuff it.

Sometimes small penises hurt and sometimes big penises don’t. Actually, I just made that up — small penises seems to have the decided edge in terms of preference for people who like anal sex but don’t want to work for it, but they’re not hurting anyone. Big penises might require proper lubrication; and the pain you describe is probably varied as well, from mildly irksome to wildly uncomfortable. It seems there are too many variables here for me to be able to advise you with any degree of skill. But what I can offer is this: Spend a little more time experimenting, and what you like and don’t like should make itself better known, not less, over time. Advice probably worth exactly what you paid for it, ha ha ha.…

Meat Measures

EUGENE, SIR: I know you said no more penis size questions, but this is not a “How do I get my penis bigger?” question. It’s more of a wondering what’s up with my penis being different sizes at different times. I ask because my girlfriend is taking size as a sign of what I like and don’t like, and I don’t think there’s a connection. — Name withheld by request

Dear CryptoCock Query: Most of the extant source material on this focuses on morning erections, but I sense you’re talking about erections and their variability not by time of day but from partner to partner and maybe even during a sex act? In any case, if that’s not what you asked, that’s what I’m going to assume you’ve asked. Especially as this seems to be another “stump the big brains” question, as the closest some can get to answering it is a variation of “we think it has something to do with testosterone.”

But I don’t want to minimize the significance of this issue. Your testosterone levels are highly susceptible to all of the things that also accompany good erections, the owners of which are usually well-rested, well-fed and in general good health. The penis does, however, have a certain mystery attached to it as evidenced by how difficult it is to re-create one for men who have had theirs damaged or create one for a female transitioning to male. So, lots of variables and lots of differing degrees of hardness add up to? The fact that your erection’s hardness is only partially connected to what your girlfriend might be doing at any given time. The rest? A total friggin’ mystery.

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