Why you should care
Because life is short. Just like bad sex.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
Through a Ride Roughly
EUGENE, SIR: Met a guy online and was intrigued. He was cheeky, sexy, funny and smart. While I wanted to meet him in person, I was nervous. And a little excited. Nervous because he was very forthright about sex and seemed to be comfortable with it all, which seemed a little dangerous to me. Also, very hot. I would have liked more dates, but he told me that the next date we’d be having would be naked and, well, I like a man who takes charge, so I thought, “OK.” Anyway, he came over, we started to mess around, and the sex was everything he said it would be. I mean, it was rough. We used condoms, so he was not totally out of control, but after about 40 minutes of intercourse he went for anal, which seems like very much not a first-date thing. I didn’t object, so this is not about that. This is about the fact that after I had three orgasms he still had not orgasmed. And by the time he did, I was sore and not so much in the mood for more. I’m 27 and have a moderate amount of experience, but based on what I’ve told you is there a way for me to get him off faster if I see him again? I just got out of a long relationship. There might be new tricks. — J.W.
Dear Protesting Too Much: I’ve always been amazed at what seems to be a bona fide emotional human need, and that’s the need to confess. Most people make the mistake of confessing to someone who, in an effort to unburden themselves, will then confess what you’ve confessed to as many people as they need to, to satisfy that urge. And once satisfied, a brief pause until the cycle begins again. I’m not saying your writing to me is an effort to humblebrag your way to confession, but what I am saying is you two are in the great place and stage of a relationship called “finding a rhythm.” You don’t say he never orgasmed, you just say he orgasmed well after you. A problem more rare than not in these parts. So, presuming you keep seeing each other — and your start seems full of promise — rhythm will assert itself before too long.
But with men, what you’re asking for is dangerous: If he comes before you’ve come and is bad at oral sex, he might be an able assistant to your efforts to get yourself off, but his refractory period has him down for at least 10 minutes. Not a lot of time for him to be giving oral sex, and you’ll only want this if he’s good. But you know what? He just may be. But because it’s me and I must cloud your silver linings, ask yourself this question: How’d he get so good?
When the Mouth Magic’s Gone
EUGENE, SIR: I’m 32 years old, have a beautiful wife and the most cute daughter. However, I feel like I’ve started missing out on the fun part of life. To me, the greatest turn-on is a good blow job. But my wife is not fond of it. In fact, she does not encourage any form of foreplay. I talked to her, played her videos on YouTube, read newspaper articles, showed her things on the Internet on the benefits of foreplay, but alas, no good. Nowadays, sex has become a two-minute job, with no emotional involvement from either of us. As a result, the frequency of us having sex has been reduced quite a bit. I just don’t feel like it anymore. Tried going out on a dinner date, vacation, things we enjoyed together, but without sex. In the early days of our marriage, we used to enjoy it. How can we get those golden days back? — Name withheld by request
Dear Righteous Brother: In the great Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Tennessee Williams has one of his characters, Big Mama, opine that when there is a problem between a husband and a wife, most of the time the problem starts —she points to the bed — “RIGHT HERE.” But I don’t want to waste your time telling you what you already know. After the birth of a kid, desire and levels of desire change. Fatigue is a factor. Body image too. In other words: A host of things work against you. Your best bet? Remove any and all sex distraction from the table. Take the lion’s share of care for the kid, including getting up during the night, cleaning the house and, yes, working whatever job you have. If she is well-rested, then it’s only hormones, and if it’s only hormones, then this is just a matter of time. But there’s always the outside possibility of her being sick of you. No amount of devotion will fix this.
So what to do? Try to be as damned charming and hardworking as you were when you started dating and hope for a change in the weather, sir. Good luck.
EUGENE, SIR: There are people out there whom you love, care about and have respect for, but they don’t have time for you, yet you still want them. Why? — Gaurav Singh
Dear Mr. Singh: Like a song you can’t get out of your head, old relationships will replay themselves over and over again, especially if you didn’t do the leaving. You and your brain are trying to figure out what went wrong, but look at it this way: Knowing that something went wrong is a blessing that lets you put yourself in a place where something can go right. With someone else. I’m a sex columnist, not a love columnist, but having been where you are, I thought I could help: Best way to get over someone is by getting on someone else. Believe it.