Revenge, Motion Sickness + Lies

Revenge, Motion Sickness + Lies

Why you should care

Because if we can’t help you with sex, no one else will help you. With sex. Or anything else, for that matter.

Dishes Served Cold

EUGENE, SIR: I had an affair. Our kids go to the same school, and for eight months it was as hot as hot could be. And as hot as it was, the ending was shitty and so was he. I hate the idea of him being equally shitty with another unsuspecting mom and have been about to send his wife some photos of the two of us that would cause her to be a little less unsuspecting and maybe slow him down a bit. But I wonder if this would help or hurt. —Scorned

Dear Oh Yeah?

I got it. Totally. And I’m going to have to disappoint you in my complete refusal to sign on to giving you a pass to exercise good ol’ fashioned biblical revenge. I mean, how do we go from two consenting adults consenting to various infidelities on, in or around PTA meetings to you being the protector of “unsuspecting” mothers everywhere? I mean, I am very certain you were not close at all to not suspecting your pants were coming off as they were coming off, am I wrong? Or are you one of those “next thing I know” folks whose babe-in-the-woods routines find them stumbling into all manner of sexual misadventures … on “accident”?

Please don’t be. The reality of it is, you two were consenting adults, and unless you had both agreed to leave your respective spouses and settle down into a whore bed somewhere together (apologies to Lars von Trier), someone had to leave first. I know, I know, maybe too rational but consider this golden-rule ruling: How cool is it going to be when he goes all Mutual Assured Destruction on you and sends those pics to your husband?

Nope, nope, nope. Let’s not add insult to pantsless injury. In life sometimes you are the doer and sometimes the done to, and while it’s not going to be especially comfortable seeing him exchanging those not-so-secret secret looks across the room with his new assignation, you should have known when you got into this car that it was going to crash. And if you didn’t then, you do now. Be happy that you, and your marriage, can walk away in one piece and leave it be. You’ll thank me that you did.

Bumpy Rides

EUGENE, SIR: Are men picking up this hyper-speed thing from porn? What’s the deal? I like some variety, but 10 positions in fewer than 30 seconds seems excessive. I’ve tried to get them to slow down, but I think they think I mean their orgasm, which they delay, but the position thing keeps happening. Help! —Slow Mo Please

Dear Express Trained:

Porn. The new big stupid brother. “You know what chicks really dig? Sandwich foods!” I can’t tell for sure that porn is about insanely rapid positional variation. I’d be faster to point the finger at Hollywood, but I suspect that’s less the problem here than the guys trying to delay orgasm by resetting the clock, and while this might work for them, you having your clock reset is probably a lot less fun than it might sound. Especially if you are to be believed.

So here’s a medically useful trick to help him delay orgasm, which might slow the position gymnastics: Pull on his scrotum. Not hard enough to make him scream and stop completely, but slowly and firmly. Immediately prior to orgasm, a man’s testicles get drawn up close to the body. By pulling on the scrotum, you slow down the orgasmic response. Which, if he backs up off of this, might be all that needs to happen for the position deltas to drop by at least 50 percent. Exactly what we call a start.

Now go forth and YANK!

Liar Liar

EUGENE, SIR: How many times would your girlfriend have to lie to you before you said, “Enough, no more!”? I caught my girlfriend in a lie. Not so big of a deal, but it’s bothered me. On the one hand, I think I should just get over it. On the other, it seems like a warning sign if there ever was one. But I don’t want to be a “shut it down after one f*ck-up” type of guy. Unless that’s the smart move. —Lie Detector

Dear Diogenes:

Well, people lie to avoid punishment, make themselves look better, gain something they’d ordinarily not get any other way and probably a handful of other reasons. The most significant of which should be, for your purposes, the lies that are told by people who have a pathological attraction to altering reality for their amusement. If you have the latter kind, you should leave or resign yourself to an Alice in Wonderland future of nothing being what it seems like it means or meaning what it seems.

The other kinds? Workable for people good at handling something other than pathology. It also has to do with world views. Because if you believe that people are fundamentally good, you will believe that their lies are just the products of fear and confusion. If you believe that people suck, then you think their lives are products of that suckitude.

I tend to take a third way and acknowledge that what I believe shouldn’t be that easily affected by any word-thought structures that might come pouring out of someone’s mouth. If I like you, I like you, and your lies make little difference to me, since they won’t shake my conviction that you are who you are. Thusly, removing the incentive to lie.

“You’re Napoleon? OK.” See how easy that was?

Photography by Shutterstock

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OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.