Reformed Porn Stars + Getting Sexy With Eugene

Reformed Porn Stars + Getting Sexy With Eugene

Why you should care

Because bad sex doesn’t get better on its own.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Extreme-Sex Secrets

EUGENE, SIR: I had an extreme sex life. A decade ago, I starred in adult videos and did threesomes and so on. I’ve been with a nice girl for three months now but have not divulged anything about my past. Every now and then, girls will send me random pictures, and I won’t take her to bars where girls I have been freaky with might be. I didn’t want to to lie, so I told her, “I wasn’t a virgin when we met.…” Anyway, a girl sent me a nude video recently, so I sent a message back to her, something like, “Hey, I know I was single when we last spoke, but I’m in a relationship now. Thanks for understanding!” A nice, honest, polite reply.

I dig this chick I’m with now, even though she’s already accused me of hiding her from the chicks in bars. Which I have been. So I showed her why and showed her some messages I’ve gotten, and now she says she doesn’t want to know. What I don’t know is this: Should I tell her about my past or not? I know other guys who, while they didn’t do professional adult stuff, have been around, and the ones that hide stuff always seem to go back to their extreme tastes.

I always thought girls lie about their numbers, but no one cared if guys didn’t. What’s the best way to talk about a past sex life, without jealousy or distrust, with someone you care about in the present? I thought I’d start by showing her my most recent medical clearances so she knows I’m STD-free, but do you have suggestions? — Dave D.

Dear Dungeons + Dragons: I have a friend in Los Angeles. His biggest claim to fame was having had sex with more than 100 women, and having said sex filmed. It took him three days, and he orgasmed 13 times. The video was a big hit, and he was inducted into the AVN Hall of Fame. But he’d lament about trying to have “normal” relationships given his past. His routine? Well, he’d start out telling a woman that he was a model. He was, in a way, and he was handsome enough to have been one. Then he’d tell her he was also an occasional “nude” model, and if she was OK with that, he’d eventually tell the truth. So this graduated truth scheme — lies, lies, truth — worked for him. While I don’t support lying as part of your process, what he did that was useful for the purposes of this discussion is: lay the groundwork.

In my experience, most people, given the choice between gently tendered truths and sloppily managed bullshit, prefer the truths. Which is sort of what your woman is saying. That is, you’re being too clever by half. And if that’s any indication of how badly you’ll handle the actual truth telling? Well, she wants none of it. However, if you’re ready to be serious and adult about this, one Sunday morning while lounging around in bed, tell her that you need to do this because you’d like her to be around for a while and don’t ever want her surprised by anything. Then, if she agrees, slowly and with great care, cover it all. It’s possible she may leave. But in the end, you did the best that anyone could have done and for the best reason. Lying is the province of the stupid, cowardly and/or insecure, and you’re none of the above. Good luck, sir.

Sweating to Sex With Eugene

EUGENE, SIR: Hey, I got your email address from OZY and they said if you have a sexy question, Eugene has a sexy answer. OK, so I would like to ask if you would send me pics of your feet, pics so that I can masturbate while looking at them, please. — Marc Johnson

Dear Mr. Masturbatin’ Marc: No.

Now, how sexy was THAT?

Not good enough. OK. How about this? Sit down. Take off your shoes. Now take off your socks. Now imagine that your feet are size 10.5 and attached to the world’s most handsome man. A man whose penchant for belittling mockery knows no bounds but who will help you just this once: Correlate fetishes before you bust loose with yours. Not saying it’ll help, just saying it probably won’t hurt. So, ah, good luck with all of that feet-masturbating, it-takes-all-types, take-on-sexy thing.

Tiny-ish Tools?

EUGENE, SIR: Hi. I’m Mahesh Namani, age 26. I think my cock is a little bit small. Any exercise to grow my cock? Please, tell me. — Mahesh Namani

Dear Mahesh Namani: Though I have covered penis-increasing multiple times and though I have preached from both sides of the penis on this penis issue, there have been very few penis size questions as of late. So few, in fact, that I was worried there was a total decrease in the numbers of you who are needlessly and fecklessly worried about the size of your penises.

And then your email came.

Leaving me simultaneously elated and deflated. Elated because it gives me the opportunity to tell you two things twice. I can tell you about the cancer patient who got a penis transplant that involved the use of a sheath that added length and girth to his penis. I can also tell you what the size distribution is and how most men exist in the average range so all that needs to happen is for you to find a woman who thinks you’re plenty large.

Deflated both because there are no exercises to increase the size of your penis and because I’ve been tricked into answering this question. Again.

If it’s any consolation, though, there will come a time in your life when your interest in being able to poop will outpace your concerns about penis size. Trust me.

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OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.