Porn-Star Prospect + Banging Your Co-Worker's Wife

Porn-Star Prospect + Banging Your Co-Worker's Wife

Why you should care

Because between sex and death? We’re going to choose the former.

Mutual Assured Tattle

EUGENE, SIR: I had an affair with an associate’s wife. As these things go sometimes, it was discovered and I am being held largely responsible for the end of their marriage. I don’t know why but in the aftermath of the discovery she’s been laying the blame on me. I am OK taking the blame. I mean I did initiate the affair even if it takes two to have an affair. I am even OK with friends taking sides. I mean it makes sense to me. But recently it seems to have crossed the line and has started to have a professional impact on me even if this had nothing to do with my job, the industry I work in is relatively close knit. I just found out though that she is driving a lot of this. To win the husband back, I don’t know. The thing is during our two years together she happened to tell me about the numerous other affairs she had. Including several with close friends of his. While I’m a gentleman it’s started to feel like taking all of the blame is an unfair burden for me to carry alone. My question is simple: will the truth set us free? Should I spread it? — Stefan

Dear Loose Lips: Front Street. That’s what you’re considering. You’ve had all you can stand and you can’t stands no more, is that right? And your remedy, interestingly enough, it seems you are suggesting will be to blow everybody’s game to bits, put all of your business on display and let the chips fall where they may? Well, that’s certainly a possible strategy to deal with being hung out to dry by a former lover who, in my paranoid mind, may or may not have actually engineered the discovery. Is it the one I would choose?

No. And here’s why: some people show up for the fun. Some people show up for the drama. And some are really just there for the stuff they make movies out of: love. But only a very few show up for the bullshit. The fun is done, the dramatic benefits of the illicit is long gone, and whatever love had been had is long gone it seems. The benefit of being the outside party when the party ends is that you are OUTSIDE.

The benefits are plenty for them to keep this going. If they didn’t they’d have to meditate on the wreck their lives have become. The benefits for you now? None. Everyone will still hate you. So, keep your mouth shut and save it. IF you really end up needing it the moment will announce itself in no uncertain way. But to choose to do this before circumstance has dictated you should? Stupid. Even more so than getting involved with a loudmouth in the first place.

Possibly Porn?

EUGENE, SIR: How do you get into porn? I think I’d be good at it. — Rod

Dear Hot Roddy: Porn, from all I’ve understood from covering it extensively in the past, is one of those jobs that most people who even think about it, think they can do well. They believe they can do it well, they believe they look good doing it and they think it will somehow elevate them in the eyes of their peers. Sort of like working in Silicon Valley. But whereas many enjoy watching people get screwed in Silcon Valley (it’s a regional pasttime), no one really likes watching people screw who don’t do it well. I’m not saying this is you but I am saying that people in the industry have a strong suspicion that it is you.

So getting IN? Purposefully made hard. In the old days men were herded into rooms with a bunch of other men and told to drop their pants and get it up. No preamble, nothing. If you could, you were in. If you couldn’t, you went home. But today given the industry’s changing fortunes, you’re given even less of a chance than this IF you’re a man. And if you’re talking about hetero porn. If you’re talking about gay porn? I suspect the bar is just as high because time is money and no one’s got the time to deal with your problems.

But to answer your question? Do like bands used to do in the old days: make a demo tape. Send it around to the companies that make the porn you like the best. Let the chips fall where they may. Good luck!

What’s the Frequency Kenneth?

EUGENE, SIR: Is there some sort of sweet spot for sexual frequency? My man complains I want to have it too often because I want to have it every night. I think he wants to have it too little since twice a week is his preferred number. But we brush our teeth twice a day. It’s not like I am asking him to move furniture. — More

Dear Eye of the Beholder: Oh. A humble brag in action. I call bullshit on you, my friend. Because while most of us do brush our teeth a few times a day, none of us looks forward to this with any sort of anticipation and the mere thought that our lovers would approach sex with us with a level of enthusiasm similar to that which we might find for dental care should chill you to the core. In my mind the answer to the question “how often?” is always “as often as you WANT.”

But a statistical take on want? Well, according to the American Sexual Behavior Study, married couples, on average, are having sex about once every two to three days if they’re between 18 and 29. If they’re 30 to 50? Twice a week. And if they’re older than that? Less than once a week.

So you are well above average. But if you’re going to tarry with mere mortals? Get a lover or negotiate a midpoint.

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OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.