Porn Pathos, Back to Black + Doing the Shifty

Porn Pathos, Back to Black + Doing the Shifty

Why you should care

Because you’re being graded on a curve.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Past Porn Participle

EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend used to make porn. It’s part of her past, and I’m not weirded out by it. While shooting a movie, she got nervous and asked the director for some water because her mouth was dry. He put something in the water and the sex scene they were going to shoot went far beyond what was planned. That was all ironed out and isn’t the problem as much as the fact that the things done to her in the movie she is now suggesting we make part of our thing. We’ve been together two years and I’m not a pussy, but I just don’t want to do it. She tells me that makes her feel worse, like she’s damaged goods. So I’m trapped. Please advise. (Just to be clear, she was peed on in the movie.) — MK

Dear MK Ultra: Oh, man. Well, first off, let’s step out of the realm of symbology and symbolism. OK, out? Now, stop thinking about the porn that doesn’t bother you and the porn director that doesn’t bother you and the urine play that the mere suggestion of which makes you feel like you’re reliving a tragedy that has you in the unenviable position of playing Pee-Pee the bad sailorman. With all of that luggage tucked away where lost luggage goes, you can survey what’s left, and that’s just two people trying to negotiate whatever might constitute a good time in their household.

Since I’m guessing that the plan isn’t you walking through the front door and in advance of “Honey, how was your day?” pulling an R. Kelly on her belly, I think what she’s talking about and suggesting is that the two of you reclaim that which on a certain level gives her pleasure from a memory that gives her no pleasure. Like getting a tattoo over a scar. While I’m sure you’re getting sensitivity points for having this even be an issue in the first place, it’s pretty clear that your refusal is starting to feel like condemnation to her. So take strength from the fact that you are following her lead and being a good partner, and that after two years, she trusts you enough to make you part of the process of healing, which, curiously in this case, may begin and end with a golden splash of urine-y goodness.

Back to Black?

EUGENE, SIR: I might be suffering from STSD (sexual traumatic stress disorder). I had a girlfriend I really liked. She was a stripper, but loyal. I could never seem to make her happy, even though everything she asked of me, I did. If she didn’t like my behavior, I changed for her. She still never seemed satisfied. After too much frustration, I said fuck it and left. I could not make her happy!

Now? She only dates women! Friends joke that I turned her gay, but truth is, we laugh because now she and I both see why I couldn’t make her happy. I ain’t mad at her and I don’t hate lesbians. That’s past, fast-forward to now. I’m seeing a sweet girl. She’s been in a few relationships. She is Caucasian. I am too, although my mother is Hispanic. New girl used to date a Black guy. Once she told me I had Black features. I’m not prejudiced, but I’m afraid to get serious with her since she’s only dated Black guys. Is that her “type”? Or preference? Is she going to be dissatisfied with me in a few months, no matter what I do? Will she even be honest if I ask? Help! — D

Dear Dr. Doom: No matter what you do? Listen, I got news for you, brother, unless that “whatever” includes undoing your parentage, making a claim that we’re all really African or getting pilled and tanned up, your options are limited. And yeah, no one’s to blame. I mean, people like what they like for whatever reason they like it, but “fans” are, in general, to be avoided, unless all you can swing is a fan club. Why? Well, probably because of all of that sensitive flower, snowflake bullshit and us all wanting to feel like we’re special, but the reality of it is, how tall we are, how much we weigh, muscle tone, intelligence, eye color, sense of rhythm, etc., are all characteristics on someone’s checklist. Characteristics that, not connected to you, still pull. In her instance, Black seems to be a recurring fave. How much of one? Only time will tell. However, half steps will get you only halfway there, and there’s no way to do it if you’re really going to do it other than to do it. So stay, seriously invest and damn the torpedoes. Or, bail. Caution is for cowards. Good luck.

Positional Panic

EUGENE, SIR: My boyfriend is great in every way, but at some point he got it in his head that lots of different sex positions equals good sex. I don’t know how to tell him that this is not the way it works. So, how do I tell him that this is not the way it works? — Diane

Dear Princess Di: Porn and the damage done. Has anyone NOT influenced by porn ever tried the pile driver? (Don’t ask.) Or the monkey in the pipe? (OK, I made that one up.) Probably not. Likewise with multiple positional panic, the idea being that something will stick, and if not something specific, then you’ll be dazzled by a flashy array of positional brilliance. I’m sure this works on some. I just haven’t met them. The single most subtle way of influencing things is to put on music that suggests the rhythms you prefer. The single most unsubtle way? Holding him tight, looking him dead in the eyes and saying like your sex life depends on it — and it does — “Just. Like. This.” Of course, if he’s a slow learner, then he’ll do NOTHING but THAT for the remainder of forever. But let’s hope not. Good luck.

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