Mouth Magic, Bang Bungles + Weighty Issues

Mouth Magic, Bang Bungles + Weighty Issues

Why you should care

Because bad sex is not better than no sex at all.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Mouth Sex Stall

EUGENE, SIR: So I have been with this person for two years and I fell in love immediately because he’s the only person in this shithole who likes John Cage but he has all these weird sex hang-ups and he said horrible things about giving oral sex to girls and it took me forever to get him to even try. But he wants blow jobs all the time. He’s 30. And we fight nonstop and I really can’t take it and he is very stressed out about work and I thought we broke up and I just wanted some head and I got it and he said I cheated on him and still thinks we might get together but I think it will end in disaster no matter what. What should I do? — Headless in Seattle

Dear Goosing the Gander: I think I can safely say that though I have seen more women put up with shit no man would put up with ever, I’m still shocked at the stuff I hear sometimes that passes for policy in many modern relationships. But, first of all, know this: He will never forgive you for getting the head you so lawfully deserved. Never, not him. I mean, many people who proclaim a dislike for something do so because no one really likes to do something that they’re not good at, and the relatively unschooled may not want to invest the time in a learning curve that has them looking not as good as they’d like to be. But so what? Maybe they should consider how bad it makes them look walking away from oral sex for any/many reasons other than maybe someone needs a shower first.

But let’s have some fun: Tell him you giving him head is disgusting and you’ll never do it again and see how long your relationship lasts. Did it last to the question mark that ends this sentence? I didn’t think so.

Moreover, since I have heard dozens of guys try to explain away infidelity with “it’s just a blow job,” I don’t know why it wouldn’t work here if you wanted to stay. But this is really just math, and the math seems to say that it will end in disaster. Why? Because how can you negotiate with a terrorist? And believe me, sex declarations that start with “I Will Not” rarely end up any place good. Sex is playful, fun, experimental, nasty and naughty and about a dozen other things, which in the interest of space I will not mention. What it’s not? Endless, nonreciprocal blow jobs forever and ever.

So my advice, though I hate to be the one to say this, but I think he brought it on himself: Dump him. If it’s a great love, then it’ll be great transitioning out via the “good friends who fool around occasionally” phase into a real friendship … and if it’s not, it’ll die like it’s meant to.

Sex Adventures for the Cautious

EUGENE, SIR: My husband and I took the advice you so often give and tried a sex club. We were both down for it, but when we tried it, he felt uncomfortable and then I felt uncomfortable and then we both felt uncomfortable and we went home less money that we could have spent on dinner. But we really wanted to do this, so I decided to do it without him with the understanding that he could do one without me. So we had a date night, just without each other. Mine was great. A threesome with two guys. His was not so great: a threesome with two women who liked each other more than they liked him. We were supposed to do this once, just to get it out of our systems before we started having kids. But he wants to go again. Which I think lets me go again. He says not. Your word is bond here. What do you say? — G.A.

Dear Georgia: When you play a game, you embrace an understanding that at the game’s conclusion, one of you will have “won” and one of you will have “lost.” Quote marks because unless it’s a Game of Thrones-type deal (note: having never seen the show, I’m just guessing here as to what this means), no one is actually dying, just losing a game. The assumed risk in you and your husband’s pas de deux had to have been understood as such. So it goes with walks on the wild side. If he wants to go again, you get to go again. Any kid could tell you that. Though don’t talk to kids about this as it will roast their brains.

There is a way out, though. Now that both of you have supped from the table of another and maybe lost the jitters, might you try it again together the next time? Just an idea pulled from the bank of Fair and Square!

Big Beautiful Wondering

EUGENE, SIR: I’m a heavy woman. I always have been, and no tears about this. I do fine with men, but the other night I was having sex with one and I saw his reflection in the mirror while we did it. He was making faces. What the hell? Why have sex with a big woman if you don’t like it, when the first thing you ever know about me is that I’m big? — It Is What It Is

Dear BBW: Because he’s an asshole? Do I win the sex columnist’s first prize now? Seriously, not being a shrink, I’m going to have to say because he’s an ass, not very smart or very honest. Choose better next time. You do have your fans.

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