Masturbation Mania + Sex-Tape Refusal

Masturbation Mania + Sex-Tape Refusal

Why you should care

Because sexy and ugly gets you a lot further than just ugly alone.

Sausage Selfies

EUGENE, SIR: I forgot something after I had left for work and came back about 15 minutes later to find my boyfriend masturbating. I don’t care if he masturbates, but if he masturbates and then later I have to hear from him that he’s “too tired” for sex, it seems to me to be a problem, and maybe a problem that’s not just about sex. I don’t want to set up some unenforceable rules about masturbating, but how does this factor into “too tired,” and doesn’t he have some kind of obligation to try to not be too tired? — Jerky Boys

Dear Salted Peter: Oy-yoy-yoy. While all of your questions are valid and well put, sometimes situations like these are stark reminders that relationships can be rough, tough, tightrope walks between wants, needs and the controlling space between them. The first thing I’ll say is for anyone who has a partner who is feeling in any way under-fucked, you’re asking for trouble. Underappreciated people do it all: They have sex with your boss, your brother, your ex-girlfriend, your worst enemy. And all they need to justify it is the fact that you didn’t deliver the goods when it came time for the goods to be delivered. So, while it’s understandable that a man might want some alone time, and masturbation offers some tension-free (in most circumstances) time to get things in hand, he absolutely is not allowed to plead fatigue when it comes to sex later in the day. Which is maybe what was going on: Start the day off right with a quick jerk, and ease out of the day with a screw. That seems manageable.

If your question is more to how you might manage your man’s masturbation, forget it. This is controlling and creepy and a quick road to eventual exit of boyfriend, whom, I’m presuming, you want to keep. Besides which, it’s called “alone time” for a reason.

Sexy Stars of Stage + Screen

EUGENE, SIR: I’m being asked to delete a sex video me and an ex made while we were together. Don’t know if you’ve answered this already, but what’s the legal statutes controlling who can do what with what, and am I within my rights to refuse? — I See

Dear Mr. DeMille: First of all, let’s all agree that what’s “legal” is not what we’re talking about here, even if that’s what YOU are talking about. No one wants to be in court looking at Exhibits A through Z of your badly lit, poorly paced, sucky audio sex video in some sort of tabloid TV bit of 15-minute weirdness while trying to make a determination about whether or not you can be compelled to delete one of the multiple copies you’ve hidden on various hard drives. So let’s forget about legal for a second and swivel to ethical.

These were videos presumably made in happier times, when it wasn’t so much about generating keepsakes but more about kink exploration and the meta possibilities of watching yourselves having sex while you’re having sex. Made by the two of you, not under duress, for future enjoyment. Like keepsakes from dinners or theaters or shows. Or the older traditional love letter, yes? And in older times, methinks, it’s only the hardest of asses who would have demanded pictures, letters, tickets and fortune-cookie fortunes back, so why should this be any different?

Besides which, unless they’re sporting clocks at home that run backward, having their younger selves frozen in time might be nice, which is what I imagine covers them saving said videos while demanding that you delete yours. In any case I’m going to have to chalk this up to post-relationship blues OR someone who wants to run for political office and is concerned about future exposure. Both of which I would ignore. Ethically. I mean we’d like the world to conform to our interests, but this is no guarantee.

But the best way to not have to have this conversation in the future? Don’t make sex videos. Which is probably exactly what your mother would say.

Love to Love to Hate You

EUGENE, SIR: Looking back on my recent five-year relationship history, I am seeing trend lines, and they all seem to show that the more my partners have given me a reason to dislike them, the more, in retrospect, I have loved them. This doesn’t seem like it will lead to success, but isn’t half the battle realizing what works for me? — BK

Dear Donna Summer: It is. And I could probably end my answer there, but I’ll say this now because I don’t know that anyone else will, but good for you. Some low-grade S&M instinct probably comes to play in our relationships more often than we’d like to admit, and just because we don’t have a pronounced penchant for whips and chains doesn’t mean that anger, humiliations, degradations and love of disregard and contempt can’t be a total relationship good. Especially if you have a partner whose trend lines have them working/walking in lockstep with you.

In fact I have discovered, anecdotally, that people into BDSM who try to turn their backs on what they’ve decided was either an affectation or an affliction frequently find they are in places where nothing sufficiently replaces the burn they once got from degrading a willing partner. So where they might find themselves at odds, you’ve successfully found an end that works for you. Which is to say: You’re beautiful, never change.

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OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.