Marriage Minus Sex, Masturbation Minus Marriage + FaceTime!

Marriage Minus Sex, Masturbation Minus Marriage + FaceTime!

Why you should care

Because while good sex might be accidental, better sex is definitely not.

Facing Facts

EUGENE, SIR: My man wants to ejaculate on my face. Fine. When I ask him why, I get no answer. When I’m asking, I’m not angry or upset, just curious. His inability to answer has made me suspicious, so I’m asking you since you seem to know so much. Is there a reason to engage in this behavior that doesn’t give him or me direct pleasure other than some sort of porn standard that everyone knows about but is not going to admit to? — Sara

Dear Secretly Sara: It seems you probably mean direct physical pleasure. In which case, you’d be wrong. On the occasions that he tells you you’re hot, I’m sure your body registers this as physical pleasure. Provided you like hearing such things from him. But I don’t want to get lost in the semantic seaweed here since I’m quite sure what you mean is how is this justified when the payoff is not as notable as oral, digital, vaginal or anal sex.

Beyond this, I guess you’re asking before porn was so popular, were there boyfriends stuttering and muttering while trying to explain to their girlfriends why they wanted to ejaculate on their faces? Probably not. Rare in old-timey stag films, facials hit in the age of modern porn, where they serve as some sort of proof that real sex is being had. Some have since said it’s a product of a desire to degrade. Which has given way to alternate theories that it has more to do with men wanting to celebrate their penises with like-minded partners and what their penises can do.

Yeah, lots of talk about loads. Which sort of obscures the fact that people and places without commercially produced pornography probably don’t do this. That being said, there may be many reasons other than porn for doing this, for example, him desiring to ejaculate in your mouth and not being able to make it there in time, or you eroticizing his orgasm and wanting to see it, a consequence of that being it lands on your face. And probably half a dozen other reasons.

But the point is, politicizing the sexual might make for good parlor-game chatter, but it doesn’t wash in the bedroom, as we like what we like sans analysis, and maybe by analyzing it we squeeze the last bit of joy out it. Which is not to say you should do it if it creeps you out. Just saying maybe there are reasons to not be creeped out by it.

How Sexy Is Sex-Free Living?

EUGENE, SIR: Me and my wife haven’t had sex for three years, and we met each other three and half years ago. This is not the problem, because I sort of got used to that. The problem is that I literally fall in love with every woman I see, and begin to imagine how good life and sex will be with her. I had three unsuccessful affairs (scandalous), because each time I couldn’t cheat when it came to sex. But the last woman is using me and asking for a huge amount of money, and I can’t refuse, because I feel that it’s my responsibility to take care of every woman. I know that you are confused now, but the question is, am I idiot? — Angy Suess

Dear Dr. Suess: Yes, you are an idiot. Through largely no fault of your own. You’ve been given a hammer and nails and asked to write a song with them, you see? Your partner is choosing to not have sex with you, meaning she is dissatisfied with the sex you had been having. I base this on the general belief that people don’t stop having good sex, only bad sex. So total elapsed time, dating and married, 3.5 years and only .5 of them involved sexual contact? To paraphrase Led Zeppelin, you’re in the grips of a major communication breakdown since if there’s something wrong with how you’re performing you need to hear about it. Though I suspect she may have come to the conclusion that you’ll not be helped even if you do hear about it, hence: the hell of nothing you’re presently enduring.

Your solution? Also broken. If seeing other women were going to be a solution for you, your problems would have been solved. And they haven’t, so it’s not.

But here’s a solution: Don’t pay for no-sex when you’re getting plenty of no-sex for free. Try fixing your house before burning your house down. I predict it won’t work, but no harm in trying. Good luck.

Polishing the Bishop

EUGENE, SIR: What is the consciousness of masturbating? — Vic

Dear Trader Vic: With a few more lines, this could have been a perfect hand-job haiku. But with a few more millions I could also be rich. Which is to say your question is woefully absent details, so I’ll answer accordingly and to the best of my abilities: the consciousness of masturbating has everything to do with the equilibrium established by spending a little time, or a lot if you’re a politician or in U2, getting in touch, firmly in touch, with your innermost desires in a way that will make you not so much of an ass.

Salut!

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.