Why you should care
Because someone’s going to be blamed if the sex is bad. Better it not be you.
Hard Roads to Ho
EUGENE, SIR: I was at a business dinner that went late and involved more alcohol than should have been consumed by me. During the loose talk that followed, some version of Truth or Dare caused me to let people know that I had once been to a prostitute. It was actually pretty cool, and I said so. The argument that followed involved talk about exploitation, because clearly I’m not bad looking and I didn’t need to do this to find a sex partner, they said. Now, even though everyone was drinking, the next day and since then at work this has bled over, from jokes to a coworker’s chilly disregard. If I actually get fired for some stupid shit like this, do I have some legal recourse? —Name Withheld by Request
Dear Knife Bringer to a Gun Fight: You’re writing to a sex columnist for legal advice? Do you go to your insurance guy for dental care? Under normal circumstances, I’d suggest going to an authority, but I think that’s a stretch here since, like with a suicide and there never being any ONE reason that people off themselves, there’s usually not just one reason folks get fired. Whether your company has a moral turpitude clause that lets them sanction you for behavior that brings shame on the company or you live in an at-will state where you can be fired for fun, firing is more complicated than your so-called “one” trip to a prostitute.
So yeah, IF you get fired for this, write me back and we can huddle with some lawyers. I suspect what’s more of an issue for you is what feels to you like some kind of unjustifiable whoremonger-shaming, since what kind of world do we live in where you can’t get drunk at work and regale your coworkers with scintillating stories of your swordsmanship?! Those haters can’t appreciate that every now and then you need to cut loose and have some consensual sex with a woman for cash? Screw THEM.
And yes, that was sarcasm, and I’ll say it to you like I’ve been saying it since I was smart enough to say it: Unlike prostitutes, no one at your job is paying you for screwing around, and unless your business plan is based around Harry’s Tales of Ho’age, you’d do well to remember that it’s called your private life for a reason.
Now, to the deeper point of the moral ramification of going to prostitutes? Well, that’s between you, her or him, your conscience, the hotel, the vice cop in the room next door and the newspaper announcement of your arrest that will impress your friends and family. I’m not saying this is the way it should be, necessarily. But I am saying this is the way it sometimes is.
EUGENE, SIR: Young men only want 10 minutes of sex. Older men have health issues that preclude more than 10 minutes of sex. I’m a healthy 55-year-old woman — is there a solution that involves, um, professionals? One that’s discreet, reliable and not costly? —Just Curious
Dear “Just” “Curious”: You’re asking me if male whores are a thing. Sure, they’re a thing. But I understand you from the whole Charlie Sheen, I-don’t-pay-them-to-come-over, I-pay-them-to-leave thing that seems to suggest while many men are more than glad to give away penis for free, you believe you’re more likely to get what you want and how you want it if you PAY, am I right? Sure. And you ever notice how restaurants with pictures on the menus always manage to serve food that doesn’t taste as good as it looks on those picture menus?
No? OK, listen, my point is that just because something seems good doesn’t mean it is, and you probably have an equal chance rolling the dice with dick as you do planning a professional party because, in the end, most prostitutes, male or female, come from planet Earth and are no better or worse than anything else on this graying globe. Especially since good sex is not just mechanical. If you just want to go to a male prostitute? Who’s to say that’s a bad idea? That’s between you, him, your conscience, the hotel, the vice cop in the room next door and the newspaper announcement of your arrest that will impress your friends and family [patent pending].
But if you’re looking for an improved sex life? Try advertising for just that. It just might work. Good luck.
EUGENE, SIR: We’re swingers and met another couple recently. I love sharing my man, and he and the wife of the other couple started to play almost right away. I started to play with her too. I realized, though, that her husband wasn’t playing with me. Each time I tried, he went passive. I look a lot like his wife, but maybe he was not attracted to me? I started to sulk, but the night ended without problems. We haven’t hooked up with them again, but I feel I’m being blamed for this. Am I out of line for wanting in? —Joyce
Dear Dr. Joyce: Were you out of line for wanting to have your group sex include group sex? No. Were they crazed for wanting a foursome to really be a threesome? Unknown. But the breach here was theirs, not yours. Would it have been strange if you all had chosen to play poker instead and no one dealt you any cards? Yup. Moreover, the idea that your being discontented at just watching the card game would not hold any water is preposterous. Lots of other swinging fish in the sea. Go find them.