How to Stop Sucking, Badly, in Bed

How to Stop Sucking, Badly, in Bed

Why you should care

Because everyone will know if you don’t.

ABC’s of Filthy Talk

EUGENE, SIR: Is it just me or are more women asking for rougher sex, especially the kind that involves dirty talk? And how do I start this without getting it wrong? Advice, please. — Walter S.

Dear Wally, My Man: This is probably pro playbook stuff, stuff that’s not likely going to be comfortable, easy or successful in unfamiliar hands because, simply put, done well? It can be a worthwhile adjunct to sex play. Done poorly? It can be a relationship destroyer for any number of reasons. When done well, BDSM (bondage and discipline, sadism and masochism) — the general umbrella under which this would fall — is not so much a tourist activity. You have to nurture a real interest for a while, reading up on it, trawling the sites, talking to people and easing into the scene with like-minded people.

If you’re into ropes? You’re really into ropes. You can have sloppy and uninspired sex, but if you’re in the BDSM arena, paying attention to every detail is part of your mania. So while it might seem to you that “everyone” is into rougher sex — and I do get a letter every few weeks about this — my sense is more that a lot of people are OK with rougher sex, but the real appeal is the attention to detail and the investment of time into actualizing the rest of whatever constitutes your “thing.”

Just calling a woman you’re having sex with a “whore” is not really what this is about. That might successfully push a few buttons the first time – either up or down – but you’re going to need a strategy that’s better than directed cursing. You can go a couple of ways with this: Preannounce to any possible sexual partners that this is your thing so they can choose to stay, or go, before the real business begins. Or find someone in the lifestyle whose kink matches up with yours, significantly cutting down on the development phase.

A step in the direction of getting it right? Immerse yourself and avoid any temptation to pay attention to its fundamental ridiculousness because, after all, one person’s Jerry Lewis is another person’s genius.

Sleep-Inducing Sex

EUGENE, SIR: I’m bored with sex. My husband of 12 years is not really bored, and when I try to think of things to do in bed that interest me, I can’t think of anything. I don’t have any health issues and I still find men attractive in a general way, but I’d really rather have a cup of tea than have sex most of the time. I know thinking like this won’t keep me married, so I need a solution. — Name withheld by request

Dear Sleepy Time Down South: The funny thing is, if you eat at a bad restaurant long enough, after a while you might start to think that food, in general, is horrible. A waste of time. You might even say that you’d prefer to drink tea than to eat another bite of the slop they serve in the aforementioned restaurant. But the almost certain reality is this: You’re just eating at a lousy restaurant. Now, I’m not saying to change restaurants. That’s between you and your parish priest. But I am saying sometimes the problem is you, sometimes the problem is them and sometimes the problem is the both of you — and a lack of imagination might make what had once been an exciting meal totally excruciating.

Solution? Outside of leaving, no tip, to never return? I’d say thinking small, but deep and hard, about very specifically what pleases you. Sex, as hard as it might be for a sex columnist to hear, is not everyone’s thing. Maybe it’s not yours. The reality, though, is that people who have no problems tend to not write me. So your recognition that maybe things are not quite right or sustainable? Could be a step in the right direction for which you might be applauded. Right after you finish your tea.

Small-Penis Problems

EUGENE, SIR: I just won’t or can’t have sex with men with small penises. I am sorry about this, but it creeps me out and makes me think of little boys and I just can’t. Is there a way that’s not too bold to find out how big a man is before it’s too late? — Michelle

Dear Michelle, My Belle: Short answer, pun intended: no. The finger test, shoe factor, nose size or any and all folk measure for guessing measurements are unreliable enough that you’d not want to gamble a Friday night on one. Even the method I usually support — the direct one — of asking is unreliable since not many men are truthful enough to bust out with “Me? TINY, baby.” And then there’s a problem of you having had, for example, a 10-incher and then encountering an 8-incher. You might be disappointed even if both are statistically considered large. And if you’re talking to someone who has only had a 5? They might want to kill you for complaining.

So, solution? Talk about it constantly and those who measure up will find you. I can think of nothing else.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.