How to Set the Rules for a Threesome

How to Set the Rules for a Threesome

Why you should care

Because you can’t spell “Sex With Eugene” without, um, sex. And, er, Eugene.

You got questions. That’s not a question, that’s a statement of fact. So send them to me, eugene@ozy.com. None too small, none too big, and definitely none too stupid. I got answers.

Sapphic Sleights of Hand. And Other Body Parts

EUGENE, SIR: My boyfriend and I have a friend I’ll call “Tania.” I used to think she was into women but one night while drinking, she told us she was bi. Since then, my boyfriend, who clearly likes her, has been trying to talk me into a threesome with her. Not that she knows this. It could be just his idea. I am unsure but more than anything I resent the constant “urging.” I’m not opposed, but what kind of terms should I set and how do I get more comfortable with this? —Cynthia

Dear Les Be Friends: First of all, no likes to be urged, never mind constantly “urged.” There’s a name we have for that where I’m from and that name is “nagging.” He wants to mack down with another woman. This is information that is useful for you to have and he should be praised for being forthright about this versus making a command decision and going solo on something that affects you both. Now that that’s done, what you should be dealing with is the instability elements this will introduce into your relationship, since if I have said it once I’ve said it a thousand times: You must think about this stuff CAREFULLY before embarking. Consider all the angles. No such thing as overthinking this one since there are probably about 1,000 ways it could go wrong.

Now once you’ve done that? He needs to back off and out and let YOU handle the arrangements. And the one ground rule that seems to work best in suchlike circumstances: you two now function as a unit. No dallying with the third wheel when one or the other of you is not around. Other than that? Relax and have fun. Which is what this is supposed to be.

Looky Here!

EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend is an exhibitionist. Which is cool. I am not, which is getting less cool since she wants to have sex in our living room with the curtains open. At night. This seems like totally the wrong kind of invitation to me since we live in the city. But I want to be game and not a grandmother. How do we both stay happy? —Discreet

Dear Shy Shy Too Shy Shy: At the risk of sounding like a broken record: sex clubs. You can have sex in front of people who want to be seen having sex while watching other people who want to be seen while having sex. It costs a little money, but this is money well spent since the law, as it stands, says generally if there is a reasonable expectation that you can be seen and you’re doing something like having sex, you’re disturbing the peace. And any other law that they want to hit you with since no one’s kids need to see you having sex. No one’s kids or parents or anyone else, really. Unless there’s a neighborhood petition requesting this? You’re going to have trouble. Trouble that costs more than sex clubs.

Got it? I hope so!

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Square pegs. Round holes.

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