How to Make It Through a Threesome

How to Make It Through a Threesome

Why you should care

Because life’s too short to spend it being mocked for screwing badly.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Threesome, Wrongsome

EUGENE, SIR: Like some people have flings, my boyfriend and I have a friend that we sometimes enjoy having join us. I’m not confused at all about liking two penises at once. But I really want them to doubly penetrate me when we play but it’s only happened once. Is there a position for this that works better than others? —Twice the Fun

Dear Pro Level Playbook: OK. For YOU they are “just” two penises. One belonging to the man you appreciate enough to call him your boyfriend, one belonging to a friend who, you’re guessing, threatens neither of you and who you’re glad to have stand in as Penis #2. But, you see, that’s YOU. For most men, your men included, unless they are healthily bi-sexual, there is an unspoken fear of the possibility of homosexuality. Accidental or not. Two penises brushing together could spell a certain kind of doom for an erection unless you, as the male participant, can either distance yourself from it or are totally OK with this kind of man on man contact no matter how brief.

And no matter how brief it has to be dealt with. So this will affect your positioning. The porn world have given birth to the standing dude facing your back with you in the middle and the other standing dude on your front. But this means two men have to look each other in the face while having sex. Not ideal.

The best if you want to completely distance yourself from the fact that another man is around? Have one man on the bottom, your legs outside of his and the second guy kneeling behind you. No man leg touching man leg and if the bottom guy can deal with being the bottom guy and doesn’t get claustrophobic you have yourself a party. Of course, many panicked men will want to know so I’ll just say it here, will they feel the other penis through the membrane that separates them? The answer is no. Unless you’re trying REALLY hard to. In which guess I’d be guessing you don’t mind this at all.

Yes. You can thank me later.

Wrong Time, Wrong Place

EUGENE, SIR: We were planning on having a friend over for dinner. He showed up early. My husband “Michael” showed up later and was surprised/unhappy to find him there when he got in. Things were tense and then we started drinking and he got more and more hostile. He started on ”you two make me sick” and accused us of having an affair. We denied it because we weren’t but he kept pushing and eventually threw our guest out. Then he threw me out. I went to take a walk around the block to wait for him to cool off and met up with our friend. He had been drinking too and grabbed me and kissed me. I pushed him away and went back home. Michael was apologetic but now I feel guilty and don’t want to say anything about what happened after because I know he won’t believe me but I don’t want our friend to think I am OK with this because I have not said anything. So do I say something or not? —name withheld by request

Dear Ms. Rock + Hard Place: You do know this is a SEX column right? So unless you actually had sex with your friend outside, had bad sex with “Michael” when you got back, had sex alone while you walked around the block, or did something involving penises, vaginas, mouths and orgasms, I’m really out of my depth. Besides which you have a philosophical quandary having everything to do with the difference between truth and honesty and while I’d advise to say nothing and see much, much less of this “friend” I have no idea if this is useful or good advice. But please write me back when you have a question having to do with penises, vaginas, mouths and orgasms!

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Square pegs. Round holes.

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