How to Get Out of an Unwanted Threesome

How to Get Out of an Unwanted Threesome

Why you should care

Because sex is the only sport in town where even the pros are amateurs.

3 Minus 1

EUGENE, SIR: Hello. I am a male. I could name myself as a vagina lover and for good reasons (I think). I am back with my first love, and she knows that I always have two women in bed. Well, almost always. But now she wants me to have two women at the same time. Only when she and I make love, I feel so comfortable with just the two of us. I feel a bit scared because I don’t want to lose my first love. Do you think that she will get away from me if I don’t listen to her? We both did the same when we were younger: threesomes, with two girls and me. — Tito

Dear Josef the Bro-sef: I’m guessing if it were just a curiosity scratch, you both could itch it one time and be done with it, but it’s clear that what you’re resisting is a return to the old days when this was a standard feature of what you two did in bed. Like a personal characteristic, but in this instance one that just happens to involve a second woman/third person, yes? You know, most are probably shaking their heads and waving their hands and calling bullshit on your query, but that has more to do with the movies they’ve seen than the lives they’ve lived. Your quandary is serious, as is your concern — if an old girlfriend had been expecting you to still be 6-foot-2 and you were not 6-foot-2, I think she would have justifiable grounds for some low-grade disappointment.

Likewise, when she was contemplating a return to your arms, I imagine this included the fact that sex with you was inextricably woven with sex with another. You have become “them,” and she desires that you all become “us.” And the reality of it is, it sounds like you’re done with that phase of your life, so what to do? Well, if the issue is performance related, and being great in bed for one woman doesn’t get easier when there are two, might you be comfortable with just watching? Or, if the issue is love based and connected to not wanting to share your beloved, well, you should probably say that.

You are right: This exposes you to possible loss. We like the people we like partially for what they represent, and if that representation changes — your hair used to be long and now it’s short, you used to be heavy and now you’re skinny — we open ourselves to the possibility that they’ll change their mind. But, you know, the solution there is not to do what you don’t want to do. The solution is to do what you want to do and to hope for the best. Good luck.

Not Looking at Life From Both Sides

EUGENE, SIR: Politically things have been tough since last November with me and my boyfriend of the past three years. Not for Trump-related reasons, but because I found out from discussions around the election that he’s anti-gay. He’s fine with gay men, but lesbianism sets him off. I don’t know why and we’re choosing to not argue about it anymore, but I think he thinks lesbians are going to steal me away. I’m not bi, so I don’t know why he’d think this, but it seems stupid and it’s so politically charged that I think it could ruin things. Any idea what’s going on? — Baffled

Dear Gaffled: When I’m confused about what I’m seeing, I immediately look for what I can’t see. No idea how old your boyfriend is, but I’m guessing he came to you with a life of experiences that preceded you. Who the hell knows what happened there? Not me. But you? Well, this is part of good relationship hygiene and should have come up during those lazy postcoital discussions, which should be attended to with the same kind of attention you’d give to a congressional oversight committee, because stuff that’s said then and there? Will almost always never be forgotten. So watch your mouth.

But I suspect it’s not homosexuality that sets him off. I suspect someone probably once told him something that scared him. Figure out what it is and see if you can un-scare him. If not? Well, life’s too short to spend even one minute of it talking about stupid stuff. I mean, could I entice you into an argument about the merits of arugula? Didn’t think so.

Broken Bones

EUGENE, SIR: My wife likes to be on top, and I like having her on top. But in the heat of passion, I worry about her losing control, coming off too high, and then coming back down and breaking my penis. I’ve heard of this happening. Urban myth? And if not, anti-break solutions? — Sam

Dear Sammy the Bull: Listen, I’m gonna help you here: Whatever you do, do not go to Google Images and type in “penile shaft fractures.” It’s no urban myth, and unless you’re a urologist, you’ve got no business being in the business of trying to unsee stuff like that. That being said, and since we’ve moved beyond the mythology thing, your technique should be one born of TOTAL AWARENESS. Hands on her hips, and best if her legs are tucked under yours so her upstroke is limited. And remember that a moment of inattention will result in a trip to the hospital. And while it happens most often with the woman on top, it can happen in any position.

Oh, and more fun facts? Men with larger penises are more prone to having this happen, and younger men are more prone than older ones. It’s really painful, and weirdly enough, a significant portion of penile shaft ruptures happen to men who are having affairs.

So, um, well … you know … watch your step. Or something.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.