Gay Old Times, Sexy Seniors + MILF Mania

Gay Old Times, Sexy Seniors + MILF Mania

Why you should care

Because great sex upgrades are well worth the price of admission.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Old, Gifted + Gay

EUGENE, SIR: I need me a fine masculine dude — who just happens to need the same! Maybe you’ll be able to give a 73-year-young new retiree some pointers on how I do that. It’s getting lonely, and frustrating, and I don’t have a lot of time to waste. Thank you, my new friend! —Edward A. Solow

Dear Edgar Allan Solo: First thing? Stop using phrases like “I don’t have a lot of time.” Aggressively highlighting the fact that your time on this graying granite planet is limited is a pro-level path to seduction that should be taken only by, well, pros. I don’t even know exactly how it’d work outside of a sense of urgency. Correctly applied? Could be a closing tactic, but in the hands of anyone other than a super-seasoned pro, it could just strike the wrong tone. Specifically: underscoring how old you are and the looming specter of you no longer BEING. So steer clear of that.

What you should steer close to? Here’s a controversial pick: Grindr. Though there’ve been assorted tech and social problems with the app, mostly in nongay-friendly countries where proximity sensors could create situations in which the app is used to hunt gay men, the reality of it is, with over 10 million user downloads and more than 5 million active users in about 192 countries, it does something very special for you. It lets people SEE exactly who you are and what you look like. Saving you lots of time. Use a current pic, no cheating, and from that point on, any ageist worries you might have should just drift away, because anybody choosing to deal with you, unless they’re blind, will know what the job is before they take it, so to speak. And if they’re blind? Well, there’s People Finder, a dating app for blind folks.

Anyway, after considering all the alternatives as well as the time issue? I’m going to bank on this being your best bet. Good luck.

Just Old

EUGENE, SIR: I’ve read several of your Q and A’s on OZY. Great stuff! Very astute. I would like to subscribe to a weekly digest if you have such a thing. (More frequent than that is too much for my overstuffed mailbox.) I am past retirement age, still very interested in sex, attracted to and hoping to get with a young woman of childbearing years. Yes, I am single. I am also old-looking and I get it, my sex appeal is not what it was. I would like to know more about protocol. My dad told me young women and old men can get together and it’s fine, but you have to let the woman initiate. I, of course, went the other way more than once and got pretty severely rebuffed. On the other hand, I do know what I like and would like to at least let someone know my hat is in the ring. So I am much more toned-down and on my toes and am wondering if there is any way I can make a first move without insulting her? Thanks! And keep up the good work. We need sanity :-) —TT

Dear TNT: Your question seemed pretty easy at first, but like Colombo, something kept sticking in my craw and I’m still sort of hung up on it: “a young woman of childbearing years.” You don’t say how old you are, but let’s look at some math based on guesswork. Most people retire at the age of 65 or thereabouts. You say that you are past retirement age, making you as young as 66 but probably not older than 76. Now assuming your interest in younger women is based on aesthetics, what does this have to do with childbearing? And if your interest is in her bearing your children and you’re closer to 70 than 65, how exactly is this going to work? Yes, you can generate offspring, but a large part of dealing with that offspring is raising said offspring, something you can’t do if you’re dead. The average life expectancy in America is 78 years old, which means if you’re 70 now, add nine months for pregnancy and you’re dying when your kid is 7 years old. Not ideal.

But maybe you just meant women under 50.

In which case I advise something similar to the advice I’ve just given Edgar Allan Solo, with a minor variation: Tinder. Why Tinder? It saves you time and fuss and muss and, if you and others use an honest and accurate photo, guesswork. Any women interested in the cut of your jib will let themselves be known. That will free you up from potentially embarrassing missteps. So let your fingers do the walking, get the app and, despite how inorganic it feels, remember you still have to make it through the date if you get one, so you’ll not be robbed of the joy of achievement. Of course, there’s a downside and that’s, simply, if you get no bites here, you have effectively been rejected by millions. Hope you find this cheering. I don’t. But it greatly improves the possibility of success insofar as first moves are concerned. Good luck.

No Country for Old Women

EUGENE, SIR: I go on Match.com. I’m looking for a man my age, 57. Men my age are lying about their age or are without shame trying to date women two decades younger. Does this seem stupid to anybody but me? —Name withheld by request

Dear Nifty 57: It’s a weird math problem. But I suck at math. In any case, here it is: Is it statistically possible for people who are 57 years old to find other 57 year olds? That they find attractive? I mean, men die sooner, but they’re not dying at 57 from natural causes. So while you have to factor in married men and men who are gay, you also have divorced or never-married men and men just not interested in anything. Still seems like there should be enough one-plus-ones to equal twos. I suspect the real problem, though, is this: inflated self-worth. Men who are 57 need validation that they are better than men who are 37, so they look past 57-year-old women. And 57-year-old women are looking past 57-year-old men because 57-year-old men didn’t just get divorced; they got kicked out and may be damaged goods. So you have peer convoys just circling each other warily.

Can I help? Probably not. Can you? Probably yes.

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