Why you should care
Because being crappy at coitus is completely not the point of any of this.
Not for Nuttin’
EUGENE, SIR: I think my woman must have read some column like yours and now seems to think that the height of erotic play has to do with my balls. She confuses me trying to get away from her mouth and tongue on them as me not wanting to come too soon. So it continues with me trying to get away and her trying to get to them. I’ve tried to bring it up and she laughs because she thinks it’s like a secret weapon and that I don’t want her to do it because I am trying to delay orgasm. I don’t want her to do it because my testicles are not wired like that. Is it only me? Or are there other men like me? – Ball Boy
Dear Grow a Pair:
Does it really make a difference? I mean does it really make a difference if there are 20 million men out there who like their balls played with if you don’t? I mean on a certain level it does since if this gives her great pleasure and she desires to give pleasure this way and you deny this it might cloak an inevitable search on her part for my temperate scrotal climes, on the other hand this might not be one of those things you can relax into. And, I think I can say with some kind of confidence, that without direct penile stimulation there are very few men reaching orgasm on ball play alone. BUT I could be wrong. Just not in your case.
You don’t say how old you are but in the fullness of your time on this planet you’ll figure out that one person likes snails, one likes oysters and some have balls that are fragile like eggs and yes, thank you, leave them the hell alone. You don’t actually ask how to tell her to back off so I am guessing you have got this handled but on the outside chance you don’t you’re going to have to muster the courage to say what most needs to be said, ”that hurts.”
Simple, declarative and if she ignores this then it’s probably her desire TO cause you pain. Which is a whole other letter in total.
EUGENE, SIR: How is that men don’t understand that anal is only a sometimes thing? It’s not the same as vaginal sex so it’s unreasonable to expect to have it as often. – Name withheld by request
Dear Lana Del Anal:
Because, before you? Maybe they were with someone for whom it was not an occasional thing. In other words for everything someone else is sick of there are other someone elses who this is their thing. Human sexuality is like that. And yes, you’re the owner of the real estate on which the party is being held but it doesn’t seem especially helpful to assume that his not understanding what the party politics are is a product of stupidity, cloddishness or a lack of sensitivity. Unless it is. I mean what I do know. YOU are the one there getting reared.
My suggestion is redirect him to a more satisfying conclusion elsewhere. If this redirection is falling on deaf ears then you have yourself a dumbass and need to search elsewhere for your occasional anal.
EUGENE, SIR: I have a rape fantasy. I have not analyzed it but I noticed this first when watching a movie and later started thinking about it again, and when I was having sex. At first, sometimes. Now all the time. Getting my man to play along is absolutely out of the question. But the lure is strong enough that I worry that I might do something that puts me in danger. No one advertises for a rapist either it seems. I don’t need judgement now. I need advice. Any idea how to make this work and stay safe? – Sarah
Dear Sarah Lee:
This is a minefield of problematical. Because part of the rape fantasy is the relinquishing of control but to really relinquish control there has to be a base level of trust that that trust will get you right to the line where control starts to lose its grip and this other thing starts. And the other person there when that thing starts to happen has a full understanding that your fantasy needs, to a certain degree, to be very different from the reality of rape.
It’s been said before that real rape is much less about sex and much more about power. In this instance, what we can call “stage” rape, or “staged” rape is much more about sex and the appearance of power. For example, while most rape fantasies include some element of force, only a rare few also involve punches in the face.
In standard practitioner terms things like safe words are used and are typically used when brakes need to be applied. But it also seems to be the case that in standard practice if you all get to safe words one of you is not paying attention and this is the issue that should inform what I suggest next: whoever your fantasy play partner is they should be someone who is intimately tied into exactly what’s happening with you at all times. Which means this kind of control is going to have to be his thing.
Paradoxically “control” is really the last thing you think about when you think about hot sex, I would guess. But here it works. So commence with the job interview. Doing this stuff online makes it so much easier. Email back and forth, figure out the lay of the land, meet in public and if the vibe is right maybe advance to a hotel after letting someone close to you know where you are. This might work. But it also might not. Proceed with serious amounts of caution.
You got questions. That’s not a question, that’s a statement of fact. So send them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. None too small, none too big, and definitely none too stupid. I got answers.