Firearm-Fueled Threesomes: Do Guns and Group Sex Mix?

Firearm-Fueled Threesomes: Do Guns and Group Sex Mix?

Why you should care

Because horrible sex doesn’t always happen just to horrible people.

Three? A Crowd?

EUGENE, SIR: There’s this couple I met at the gym that brought me over a week or two ago because the guy liked to watch. He was a pretty awkward guy to have watch you screw his wife — he wanted to tag-team her. I tried the excuse that I had already come and couldn’t get hard again. The guy then told his wife to get me hard with her mouth. And then he fetched me a glass of orange juice. About that time, I realized he was armed, and if he shot me, there was no way he would get convicted, so I obliged. I’ve started going to a different gym to avoid them. At what time is it safe to go back to my old gym? I mean, he didn’t threaten me, and he was a willing participant (a bit too willing), but he wanted to play rock-paper-scissors with me while I was screwing his wife and wanted to time his finish with the “shoot” part of the game. He also said he was trying to get his wife into porn. It was weird. Advice, please. — R-Man

Dear Ringolevio: I think you’re less in need of advice and much more in need of confirmation that men who want to play zero-sum hand games while having sex with their wives and encouraging you to do the same might not be there for the sex. The same goes for high-fiving, low-fiving, elbow and fist bumps, and periods of extended eye contact. With you. Now, if you’re secure enough in your heterosexual masculinity, something that might comfortably put you further away from some low-grade homosexual panic, none of this should be much of a problem outside of the whole you’re-having-SEX thing.

Which is to say, if SEX is the headliner and the people you’re having SEX with are thinking about everything but sex? Well, somehow, somewhere, a wire has shaken itself loose. Add in firearms, which I am guessing he had holstered to his Speedo, and you have what we’d call “nature’s warning signs.”

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have been in there enjoying a threesome with two other consenting adults. I am saying, maybe not these adults. How to avoid them? Seems like you’re doing a fine job of that by having switched gyms. How long before you can go back to your old gym? Well, how long does weird last? Exactly. Enjoy your new gym if you’d prefer to avoid the uncomfortable spectacle of him doing rock-paper-scissors in the gym while nodding and winking knowingly and following you around from squat rack to bench press appending, “If you know what I mean,” to all of his sentences.

Magical Meat Math!

EUGENE, SIR: Are there angles I can use during sex that will maximize the size of the penis I am using? — Just Asking

Dear Just Assuming: Unless you’re in the habit of using some other penis, I’ll answer yes, there are sex positions — at least five — you can use to make your 15 cents seem like a dollar. However, before we get into that, I’d like to establish that unless it’s your first time having sex with a person, the presumption is that whomever you’re having sex with already knows exactly how big your penis is and still they returned for more. Which is to say your concerns about size might be misguided. However, maybe you’re just a realist and want to guarantee the best possible outcome with what you’ve got coming out, in which case the missionary position, other face-to-face variants and doggy style would be your friends. Neurolinguistic programming ploys in which you repeat over and over, “Wow, I have such a BIG penis,” might also work. Yes. Just here to help.

Self-Pleasuring Politics

EUGENE, SIR: We’re stuck in a masturbation tit for tat. He and I are three years into a generally good relationship; a few months ago, I happened to mention that I had masturbated during lunch. I knew something was wrong at the time but had no idea that he would think this was some form of cheating. Well, long story shorter, he started to masturbate a lot, as in I’m catching him jerking off more than we’re having sex. So now I’m angry, and as far as I know our masturbation-to-sex ratio has shifted to 6-to-1. Which is crazy. Help. — Tina

Dear Talking Tina: This is fucked. Or rather, not fucked. And I strongly suspect in the future of your separate lives to come that you’ll both look back on this and congratulate yourselves for having made the worst possible choice the worst number of times for the least amount of gain. However, insofar as responsibility for this shit show goes, it seems to me that he’s carrying the lion’s share since you “admitted” to masturbating during lunch for the simple reason that you thought you had done nothing wrong. You wouldn’t have casually “admitted” to murdering someone during lunch, so I am going to call you innocent here and say that his attempts to regulate each and every aspect of your general genitalic goings-on stinks of serious trouble to come. I mean, you two are essentially grudge masturbating now. Also known as grudgerbating. This is no good for anyone but people like me who are congratulating themselves over the neologism “grudgerbating.” But good luck — you’re going to need it.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.