Erection Elections + Politico Porn? Believe It!

Erection Elections + Politico Porn? Believe It!

Why you should care

Because practice, practice, practice — pause — practice, practice, practice makes perfect.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Boner No Mo’

EUGENE, SIR: My husband, who’s a decade older than I am, can no longer get an erection. I’m not ready to stop having sex. We take part in all the other pleasures, but penetration, and the intimacy that goes with it, is no longer part of our relationship. I take hormones, so I’m always ready to go … so to speak. I’ve started looking at other attractive men my age who might be amenable to having sex with me. But all the hang-ups and consequences associated with extramarital sex would or could interfere with my marriage. And what about STDs? Help, I really need some advice. — Goldie

Dear Goldilocks: You don’t say how old you are, but your commitment to honor the whole “in sickness and in health” part of whatever wedding vow you once read, well, it’s admirable to see it still carries some weight with you. Or rather it’s admirable to see you think somehow I’d be snowed by the idea that it would carry some weight with you. Look, whatever age you are, no age is old enough to really comfortably accept the idea that you will have to go without penis for the rest of it.

But with an eye toward being a semiresponsible advice columnist I’ll say this first: Get him to a doctor tout de suite. His erectile dysfunction could be a canary in a coal mine of a serious illness. If it’s determined that the issue is in his head? Get him to a head doctor. If both of these fail and everyone goes “Oh, well,” well, then maybe you should give some serious thought to what clearly is your first thought here: extracurricular penis. Which might most reliably be found online in any number of places.

If you’re looking specifically for something that won’t interfere with the love portion of your marriage, make that clear in your ad. HOWEVER, despite your best intentions, good penis will inevitably lead you to the idea that if some good penis is good, some more good penis would be great. Which is to say: Any penis worth your time will necessarily imperil what you’re interested in not having imperiled, to wit, your marriage. But that’s a risk run by those who choose to play this game you’re considering playing. And STDs? Careful condom use will take care of most of those.

So what’s left? Your answer to this question: Will candy before dinner ruin your dinner? Well, you tell ME.

And just to be clear, I’ve used the word “penis” more times in answering your question than any other journalist in America. Which is to say: penis. Thanks for coming. I’m here all week, folks!

The Erection Section

EUGENE, SIR: I would like to discuss a problem I’ve been fighting for a few years. About three and a half years ago I was making love to my wife, when, for no known reason, I lost my erection. My problem became more and more frequent, causing major shock to my ego and diminishing my self-esteem, which has resulted in ongoing depression and a major strain on my marriage. I am devastated and cannot find a cause for such issues. I’m 32 and very attracted to my wife; I want to express desire and confidence in the bedroom like I used to. Please help. — CW

Dear Country Western: This is super-akin to someone in the grips of a particularly hairy acid trip, a phenomenon quite similar to this in that it exists primarily in the brainpan. You’re panicking and your panic induces greater panic. Anything you say to allay that panic — “This has never happened to me before,” or “Those are not spiders,” for example — sounds like the lie it is and magnifies your panic until a total and inevitable collapse has you looking at your wreck of a penis and wondering where it all went wrong.

So, let’s start here: You’re OK. The likelihood that you’ll NEVER have another erection EVER again is very low, unless you cease existing. The deal is to get in a headspace where you can reliably rely on it happening. Part of that is realizing your wife will love you no matter what (not really true, but you gotta start somewhere), and if you can get an erection when you’re alone, you sure as hell can get one when she’s present.

Everything from there on out is timing. This is, of course, after the customary visit to a doctor to make sure there are no underlying health issues happening. Also, remember, sex is about play. Utilize toys, your mouth, other people if you have to, designify your penis and what it does, and take a deep breath. Actually, before you do ANY of that, show her this column. Then — and here’s the timing thing — now that she’s reading what you’re reading, drop to your knees and since there’s lots of room for advancement around here for a young man who knows how to use his head, start using it. Y’all can thank me later.

Political Porn

EUGENE, SIR: I’m sure you’ve heard about the Republican Party Platform and how they plan to make it a big goal of theirs to “obliterate porn.” From all the porn-related articles on OZY, I’ve learned how important porn has been in shaping modern-day America, specifically the tech industry. Any opinion on what will happen to the porn industry if the Republican Party is elected (note: I’m not looking for your political opinions, just your opinion of this wonderful thing we ALL masturbate to called porn)? — PVV

Dear Geert Wilders: Porn star Samantha 38G once told me, to my great surprise, that she was a Republican. When I expressed said surprise, she said that Republicans were better for business. Something about repression. I mean, if a lefty wants to do something weird, they just do it. Republicans sometimes have such a rigid approach to reality that when they break from the program, they really BREAK from the program. So porn is safe, despite what’s said, I think. But one small correction: Masturbating to porn is sort of like making vroom-vroom noises while watching movie car-chase scenes. If it does something for you, do it, but I, myself, am much more a doer than a watcher.

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