Why you should care
Because if you’re settling for just good sex, let us introduce you to great sex.
Penis With a Lowercase “p”
EUGENE, SIR: I used to occasionally get it on with a roommate of one of my friends. We never really connected as people, we just had casual sex. That ended, and we both moved on with our lives. About a year ago, that girl was having dinner with two mutual friends. She got drunk and told them that I have a small penis. Afterward, these two friends told me what she’d said. Since hearing this story, I’ve been quite insecure. I’ve always known I wasn’t big, but I never considered it a problem. I’m in my mid-20s, good-looking, and girls have complimented me on my foreplay and oral skills. However, her comment has made me feel a lesser man and that’s affecting my dating game. I have no idea how to turn this around. — Name withheld by request
Dear Working With What You Got: First of all, according to a noted medical authority and friend of mine, no woman will even talk to you if she doesn’t like you — even if your car is on fire — never mind having SEX with you. So while according to her standard you were small, there were enough redeeming factors that she returned. Repeatedly. So there is that. Outside of that, you — and indeed all men — are left with nothing but reality.
This reality is called: your penis.
Not only is it what it is — penile extension surgery being horribly ineffective (do not Google it if you want to have a good day) — it is what it’s going to be. A friend of mine once complained, laughingly, about a sex partner because she was “too big” down there. It never dawned on him that, very possibly, it wasn’t her that was too big but him that was too small.
You see where I’m going with this, Goldilocks? The key is to find someone for whom your penis is just right. Of course this will require you braving multiple auditions wherein you might have detractors shoot you withering glances when you pull out what you’re working with, but you really have no choice. Unless you’re going to swear off sex forever. Yeah. Like I said, no choice.
If it makes you feel better, a pro basketball player I know preannounces that his penis is small so there’s nowhere to go from there but up, if you know what I mean. Keep at it. Time and frequency are on your side. Hope that helps.
EUGENE, SIR: A few dates later, first time we’re going to have sex, I get to his house and he’s got a big bed. Good sign. But he also has some dogs and cats. Yeah, “some,” as in more than three. I asked him to chase the animals out, and he said, “Well, they live here too.” I don’t think it’s too much trouble to get all the critters out of the bed. It was a stumble and I don’t want to have to be the chaser-outer every time. What’s happening here? — Snoopy in SF
Dear Spike’s Bro: I know people who have cats walking on their kitchen table when they eat. I know people whose dogs sleep in bed with them. I know people who gleefully express their dog’s anal glands (a medical procedure that’s apparently necessary, but which I’ll gladly pay someone to do to my dog). And I know right at this moment there are cat owners screeching that these things are all different and it’s perfectly OK for the poop-stained cat paws to traipse all over where your lunch is. But it’s not.
I mean, I’m perfectly happy that they’re so happy with their furry friends, but — and I own both cats and dogs — they have to understand that not everyone is. I don’t think it’s too much to ask the pack animals and clutter of cats to sit out about 30 minutes of sex. If that’s too much to ask once, try to imagine yourself three years in. So yes, draw the line. The animals will be OK and so will your relationship. And if it’s not, then it’s OK to have someone choose what they really love over you.
Let the Cock Rings Out
EUGENE, SIR: I just got a cock ring for my birthday I want to try it, but before I waste my time trying it out I thought I’d ask: bullshit or not? — Feeling Cocky
Dear Ringo: Depends on what you’re trying to do. If you want to do something that seems vaguely risky (too tight and the ring gets stuck, too loose and it gets lost inside your partner) and a little kinky and you have the size to pull it off by putting it on? Why not? But if you’re going to believe that hoo-ha about it extending your erection and intensifying your orgasm, I have a bridge I could sell you since it’s pretty clear to me that anyone singing the praises of cock rings either has no penis or is selling cock rings. How do I know? Personal experience, baby. It’s a drag having sex with the thing on. It can rub your partner raw — more so the leather ones, less so the steel — and your penis feels about as far from great as it’s going to get. Next time you’re having sex, try this and save yourself the cash: Grab the base of your penis as hard as you can, restricting blood flow. There, how’s that feel? Yeah, exactly. Cock rings make great gifts. Like fruitcakes. Just don’t try to use them. Like fruitcakes. Just the opinion of one man with a penis.