Dirty Talk, Perv Pics + XXX Legacy

Dirty Talk, Perv Pics + XXX Legacy

Why you should care

Because if sex is worth having, it’s worth having well.

Smut Mouth Mechanics


EUGENE, SIR: I’m having sex with a 26-year-old. I asked him to tell me what he likes, to talk to me. It was an epic fail due to his lack of imagination. He just sort of suggested super ordinary stuff in a rape-y voice. Vocabulary was an issue. Not hot. Eventually had to reach up and cover his mouth. How do you teach someone to talk dirty? — Say What?

Dear Henrietta Higgins:

Sex is natural. By which I mean that two morons left alone long enough will figure things out. Largely accounting for why most of us are still walking around. But what’s not so natural are the finer, more nuanced points of natural. The kind of natural that makes you want to be doing it and doing and doing it, well … well. That doesn’t come easy. That’s much more nurture — not to mention a product of interests intersecting with abilities. A person with no rhythm but who puts in a nice effort over the course of time and receives some stern tutelage may be able to figure out how to dance, for example. But they still may be shy of being what you might call a good dancer.

Similarly good sex is a collection of abilities correctly matched with interests and other intangibles. And asking someone to be able to talk dirty to you? Well, that’s a Sisyphean task that you’d only bother with if love was one of the main driving factors. Because otherwise, why bother? But then again, your question wasn’t about whether to bother at all. It was about the gnarly question of how.

To which I’ll offer an anecdote. Once upon a time yours truly was spending some quiet time with a friend. During the aforementioned quiet time she said, “Call me a dirty whore” — a suggestion that amused me (controversy approaching) in the same way that a cat asking me to call it a cat would have. Besides which, in terms of phraseology that’s probably one of the least interesting ones around … to ME. But to amuse her I did so. “Um, OK. You’re a dirty whore,” I said without much verve or enthusiasm.

At the same time, as soon as these words were spoken it was like turning a light on in a room. Everything was on fire because it aroused her and the fact that it did so meant that not only had she employed the most time-honored and useful biofeedback mechanism possible … but also, she had alerted me to the fact that I had been thinking about it all wrong. Sex, after all, can be all about your subconscious mind.

So my suggestion to you is that you instruct him in the same way that you offer any other kind of sexual feedback: with positive reinforcement. Though this does presume that he gets it right at least like 5 percent of the time, thereby giving you something to hang your hat on. You could prime the pump like my partner had if this is not too off-putting. But if he can’t muster 5 percent? The hand on the mouth will work in a pinch. As you have duly discovered.

A Last-Ditch Effort


EUGENE, SIR: A few years ago, I went on a date with the guy who owned the store down the block. It was a nice date, but I wasn’t much interested. I politely refused further dates and eventually I moved across town, then across the country. Dude still texted me now and again, but mostly I didn’t respond, and eventually the texts stopped. He texted this week, though, and I responded with “How’re things going?”

“Great. I had an amazing summer with trips to the Grand Canyon, Iceland and even Greenland.”

“Sweeeeeet,” I texted. “You’re living the dream!”

“Absolutely.”

There was a lull of about an hour. And then a text with an attachment: “Greetings from Greenland!!” The photo showed him standing under the sun, arms spread wide, COMPLETELY NAKED.

“OMG,” I wrote back. And because I didn’t know what else to write, “Who took that?”

“Selfie. Timer.”

“Wow.” I said.

“What do you think? You got any pictures to share?”

“I’m at work, crazy naked man,” I wrote back.

Then he sent me about four more outdoor nudies. Frontal, side, back, every goddamn angle. I showed them to my coworkers and collapsed in laughter, and didn’t write back again. “I hope I didn’t offend you,” he wrote. “It’s just fun to share these with friends.”

This morning, dude texts me again: “Want to see some more?” I did not respond. What the hell? — Ms. Rogers

Dear Neighbor:

First off: “It’s hard to be a man-g,” to quote Tony Montana. Have you pushed too hard? Not hard enough? Have you been honest? Too honest? Not honest enough? Can you share a kink/fetish? Will it get you laughed out of the place? But a friend of mine once said it best, “No woman will talk to you if she doesn’t like you” and then ended with this kicker, “even if your car is on fire.” Your returning even the occasional email was a door that was open and in the mind of a man it’s open for a reason and that reason might as well be: penis. Since that’s as good as any other, why not send a rod shot? It didn’t work but in this case there’s not much that would have anyway so he Hail Mary’d this. But with penis. He did what he could and walked away with a clean conscience knowing that he did do what he could and in the end if the closest he could get was you seeing his penis? Well, and here’s another useful sports analogy: home run. Covered by the age old “you can’t fault a guy for trying.”

The Eternal Visual


EUGENE, SIR: My boyfriend and I are having an argument. He won’t get rid of pics and videos of his exes. And I don’t know why he’d keep them. I’m not just talking snapshots. I’m talking fully pornographic videos. He says he doesn’t watch them … but I don’t know that. He says it’s an incidental “after effect” of what made him who he is. I call bullshit on that. Right? Wrong? — Jim

Dear Lord Jim:

Wrong. It feels controlling and obsessive and creepy to me. But it also seems like it springs from a perfectly understandable place of human weakness: jealousy and insecurity. You literally can’t win this one. If he gets rid of them he resents you or he lies about having done so and then resents you since you would rather he lie than tell the truth. Your energies are really better put to use creating an environment where those videos are less than interesting to him versus more. Make sense?

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Square pegs. Round holes.

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