Delivering Fully Fabulous Fellatio!

Delivering Fully Fabulous Fellatio!

Why you should care

Because you caring about the sex you’re having is the apex antidote to others not caring about the sex they’re having. With you.

In or Out?

EUGENE, SIR: I think you’re honest and so I’ll ask an honest man. What do men like most if I have them in my mouth: coming in my mouth and me swallowing, just coming in my mouth or coming on my face? I mean which has the best bang for the sexy buck? – name withheld

Dear In for a Penny:

Totally depends. In fact I’d suggest this as some sort of pop culture litmus test since there’s probably a high degree of certitude that different personality types accrete under each categorical grouping. Men who prefer the face? Either watch too much porn, need to have their hands on their penises when they come or just like to watch their work. Men who prefer the mouth? Perhaps prefer the low-thought threshold needed to get here but of those that do and want you to swallow? These might be guys who just want you to handle their problems and of course they look at their load as a problem, so there is that.

The point though Oral Annie: I have no idea. Any more than I do why one man likes blue socks and another might like green ones. Taste changes, as do styles, fixations, obsessions, interests and partners and the second you start talking about groupings is the second you start limiting your options as to what you’re expecting since a partner wanting to be good will want to give you what you want. Sometimes less interesting than them giving you what THEY want. So survey away, let us know what you find, and get ready to publish as this is probably a goldmine for someone.

There Comes a Crooked Man

EUGENE, SIR: We love the reverse cowgirl position but it scares the shit out of me since I sometimes slip out and she doesn’t notice and comes crashing down on it. This makes me nervous and a nervous penis sometimes doesn’t work like we hoped it would. Suggestions on some safer sex? – M.H.

Dear No Meat Mishaps:

The reverse cowgirl position, for those not in the know, with you on your back or seated and your partner “riding” you and facing away from you, is a good lazy man position for which your triceps and spinal erectors might thank you but of which, as you sagely state, your penis lives in mortal fear of. Why? Because even the largest penis has an end point and if your partners rises off of it the likelihood of sinking back down on to it perfectly? Well, based on an article I can’t even finish reading, not very likely and the risk of severe injury higher than any one with an ounce of brains would want to risk.

So my suggestion? Dinner and dancing.

The Breast Things in LIfe

EUGENE, SIR: I’ve been trying to have my boyfriend of the past few years be a little more adventurous. Nothing fancy. Nothing he had to stretch too far for but nothing. So finally I decided to start and I asked him to hold my breasts together and slide himself between them. If I bend my head at the end he could actually fit into my mouth. He asked me why we’d do that. I told him because it was fun. He can’t see how that would be fun for me. I never imagined I would have to explain this but clearly I need help explaining it. So, help. – Nikki

Dear Saint Nikki:

Remember when you were like 12 years old and a friend would say something like “let’s run up that hill there!” and you’d do it without even thinking about it? Not before, during or after? And remember what you’d say when you went home and your parents asked you what you had been doing?

Here, I’ll help: “playing.”

You might spend hours doing stuff like that. And then you grow up and become an ass.

Your man is that ass.

It may not be his fault though. People get the play beaten out of them by bad relationships, bad head spaces, bad jobs, even worse lives and by “worse” I mean “dull.” And they give up and things that seem even slightly outré seem like traps. This is where YOU come in since letting someone you love cower in fear and uncertainty is not a very loving thing to do and to not disabuse him of the notion that sex that deviates even a little bit will eventually end up being the bad kind of dangerous is not good, useful or helpful for any one. You’ll start to resent his fear, he’ll resent your resentment and eventually your car will crash. Figuratively and maybe literally.

So in an unloaded setting, like anywhere but bed, or your car, overload him with the joyful filth of how it is that you want to see your sex lives return play to the occasion. At this point like Hamlet says, “if he but blench” you will “know your course.” Which is to say, if he’s a gamer you may see the shock of recognition on his face. Recognition, relief and excitement. If he’s not? Continued disapproval and disengagement. Some would recommend counseling. I would recommend the curb. As a pretty good place to drop his ass.

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OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.