Custom Condoms for the Long and Large Man?

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Because NOT caring is the road to ruin.

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EUGENE, SIR: Longtime reader, etc. Could I ask you to not use my real name? I just got into school and am trying to avoid freaking folks out. I’m in the lucky position to be, well, “large.” The downside is that I’ve never found a condom that fits me particularly well, and so for the most part, sex is just go-until-the-pain-of-having-my-johnson-strangled-overwhelms-me. This is affecting my love life quite a bit; my partners think they’re doing something wrong, which bums them out. Oftentimes, instead of reaching climax, I have to slow down and then stop because I’m overwhelmed with discomfort. Do you have any suggestions? — Not His Real Name

Dear Humble Braggart: I’m confused. Slightly. When you say you’ve never found a condom that fits particularly well because of the girth, length and overall Brobdingnagian hang of your dangle, I have to also assume you mean condoms that were created for people with suchlike “problems.” Specifically, Magnums. If you’ve had no luck with these — all (well, most) condom companies make them now — there’s always TheyFit, custom condoms made by a U.K. company (around $9 for a six-pack). No size too large, or small, for that matter. TheyFit is also working on a latex-free version, so there’s that, if that’s also an issue for you. Hope that helps.

Lips Begone

EUGENE, SIR: I want to have the surgery that reduces labia size. Is it dangerous, and how much does it cost? Please don’t tell me it’s not necessary. I’ve read about it online and have considered both sides of the issue, and I feel I must do this, and I don’t need to be told I shouldn’t. I just want to know what you’ve heard about how dangerous it is. — Name withheld by request

Dear Don’t Do It: Surgery is always dangerous. My surgeon friends do not necessarily disagree with me on this. Letting sharp instruments and what’s outside your body — germs, germs, germs — go inside it is a chance worth taking if you’re taking it to take away worse stuff. But cosmetic surgery, which is what this is? Risk-to-reward considerations must prevail. Outside of that, and on the spectrum of shit that people do to themselves, while butt enhancement has drawn lots of unlicensed practitioners and accompanying deaths, not so with labiaplasty (surgical reduction of the labia).

Postsurgical pain and complications? Sometimes, yes. Death? Not that I can find mention of. It appears that you can die from eating cookies, though, so I would not have been surprised if there were deaths attributed to labiaplasty. But there are not. So, the way is clear if that’s what you want to do. Though I can’t imagine in isolation you’d be thinking it was a good idea. But I get what I imagine would be your counterpoint, and that’s that you’re not in isolation and you want it done, so I should save all of my well-intentioned advice for those who need it. Yeah, yeah, OK. But I have to assume that you’re asking me because you want my two cents. Two cents that say spending $5,000 to $10,000 to have your vagina shaved down is a poor use of funds. But you gotta do what you gotta do. Good luck.

Bad Bad, Not Good Bad

EUGENE, SIR: I suck in bed. I know because I have not had sex a lot and the women I’ve had sex with have said so. I’m OK attractive and have a normal-size penis, so it’s not that. I just can’t do it good. I’m 26, and I realize I have to do something. Like? And don’t say porn, since I don’t think it’s helping. — MD

Dear Mystery Dance: If I were a responsible sex therapist, or even knew a responsible sex therapist, or were even interested in offering responsible sex therapy, I might suggest a surrogate. Or books. I suspect someone has already suggested porn, and that it did not accord with what constitutes instructional for you. But of one thing I am sure: Getting “better” is not a product of just hoping and dreaming. Nah, it’s about the ability to remember that sex play is fundamentally play. You need to get yourself to a place where you can actually relax and enjoy the goings-on instead of worrying about how well the goings-on are going on. So, with some hopes and dreams for the better firmly in place, an attitude of gratitude and a more relaxed approach to doing the deal, you might have arrived at Step One.

Then it gets complicated. Because no amount of perfect is arrived at without practice. Getting and securing partners to aid and abet in your journey to better is not going to be easy, and hiring professionals might violate ethical codes of conduct if not actual laws, depending on where you live. But you’re going to have to get in the pool, so to speak. Let’s step back a bit. Finding patient partners is not going to be easy because if they don’t know what you’re dealing with, they might not be so patient dealing with what you’re dealing with. Which is where we find a solution.

Since it’s here, at total frankness, that you’ll find a solution. Advertise somewhere. Tell them a lot of what you told me. “I’m bad. I need to get better. Here’s my picture. Can you help?” What do you have to lose that you don’t already don’t have?

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.