Why you should care
Because your partner wants you to. We know because they told us so.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
The Slow Cool
EUGENE, SIR: Really enjoy your writing, and now I’ve a question — hope you can help. I’ve been with my girlfriend for five years (since she was at uni), and now we’re both in our mid- to late 20s. We’ve always had a sparse once-a-month kind of sex life, which has long been a frustration for me, but over the last six months, I’ve stopped being able to climax during sex and so now am pretty unsatisfied as well. I’m a pretty attentive guy in bed, and she enjoys herself plenty, but I’m unsure what’s going wrong for me. I almost feel like I’ve given up on even trying, and the time between sex is now turning into months, not weeks. I don’t really know how to approach this with her and try to fix things in our sex life before it really starts affecting everything else. Hope you have some advice! Thanks in advance. — Hapi Joel
Dear Hapi Hapi Joy Joy: Sometimes when answering I’m on partial prognosticate. Sometimes full prognosticate. Sometimes just out and out prognosticate, which is much more of an intuitive touchy-feely thing, but I suspect this will be the latter, because I believe, sir, you are largely in the grips of time. It’s a common trap that unsuspecting male travelers fall into. Because you’re in your 20s, you’re thinking about 20s kinds of things and you’re ignoring time. College is over, and you’re getting your sea legs, and well, what could go wrong? Time could go wrong. No woman wants to date you for five years. So if you haven’t had the matrimonial discussion, this could largely account for the slowing of somatic relationships. While you’re thinking of this and that, she’s noting with great interest how many of her friends are getting married and the fact that if she wants to get married, you’re going to have to make a move or she’s going to have to dump you and dump you fast.
And you should note: There’s no negotiating your way around this. Because of, well, time. Some have even suggested that men who are cavalier about their women’s fertility options should be charged. Finances aside, the work that has to be put in as she closes in on 30 if she wants to have a family is significant, and she’s not playing around with you. So the slowing of the sex could be because she is moving on or because she wants you to make a move for both of you to move on together. Now I know what you’re thinking: Why would I want to lock myself into a future of monthly sex? To which I say: monthly sex?!?! That’s like an orgy, some long-married men will tell you.
But who knows? I could be completely wrong, but one thing is very clear: Women have sex with men they really dig, and they don’t with men they don’t. So pick through the above and figure out why she digs you less than she used to; if it ends up being the matrimonial reason, you owe me a drink. Deal?
Dead at 54?
EUGENE, SIR: I’m very young-looking and very active: I hike, kayak, etc. I keep my mind and body healthy and just want to go out and enjoy life. But, most men in my age group (54) can — and do — date women 10 and 20 years younger. This sucks! So I’m supposed to date a 70-year-old? How did we end up here? — Girls just wanna have fun
Dear Ms. Lauper: What you should have written was “most men in my age group (54) who’ve got it going on can — and do — date women” who are younger. You know, I’m quite sure I’ve gotten letters from men a little thick through the middle and light of hair on top complaining about contemporaries not noticing them. And you’re probably both right. Genetic imperatives die hard. And our genes, like it or not, are driving us toward breedability even if we’re not interested in breeding. But yes, to answer your first question: Find yourself a 70-year-old man (something you say like it is less than desirable) who’s got it going on. They exist. And a good handful of them best their not-so-careful 54-year-old contemporaries. If he’s taking care of himself enough to compete with the men you desire, he’ll be around longer. Or a 60-year-old man. Or a 62-year-old man. Or a 58-year-old. Look, though the stats seem to indicate that women live longer — meaning your choices will start to thin out — there’s no reason to suffer, especially as, according to every anecdotal measure in the places that write about such things, older women are increasingly hooking up with younger men. So what are you waiting for?!?
Sex & Aging
EUGENE, SIR: I want to have sex with the same intensity, vivacity and strength at 50 as when I was 30. What are your tricks? What do I eat, drink, and what kind of exercises do I do? — Pochunmahen
Dear Erik Estrada: Anything that interferes with an erection is your enemy. So cigarettes must go. Exercise and eating right, the staples, must be maintained, but the biggest issue is your mind, as the toughest thing as you age is to maintain interest levels so you don’t end up like my uncle who at the age of 50 walked into the kitchen and told his wife he was “done with that.” And he was. How to maintain interest? Choose interesting partners. Yup. Just that simple/hard.