Closing Woes, Revenge Porn + Parties of Three

Closing Woes, Revenge Porn + Parties of Three

Why you should care

Because when we say “sex-tastic,” we MEAN “SEXY-tastic”!

Coffee’s for Closers


EUGENE, SIR: Getting dumped after the third date is happening to me so often that it’s becoming a “thing.” How much of a “thing”? I’m writing you, that’s how much of a thing. I don’t need pick-up-help hints. And I don’t want to fall back on that “nice guys finish last” crap. I do want to know why the third date? It seems too specific to be an accident. Insight? —Almost

Dear No Cigar:

Though I have no idea how old you are, I do know one thing: Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. Which is to say, if you’re still holding on for dear life to that high school trope of “the third-date charm,” you need to know that that stuff is some antiquated, lockstep shite from some other age, time and place. No one has to eat cat crap three times in a row to know that eating cat crap doesn’t suit them, and the reality of it is, before the date is even accepted, most clear-thinking folks have some clear-cut idea of whether or not they’re going to be open to this deal closing.

So, if you’re waiting until the third date to make your “move,” your move may be woefully inadequate. And if the punk rock truism that Words Minus Action Equals Nothing still means anything, you’re spending way too much time talking and way too little time tipping your hand that this dinner/concert/walk in the park is very specifically going to be about action, Jackson. Because, we’re quite sure, whomever you’re dating can get as much “no sex” as they want from their couch.

While I’m not suggesting you show up pantsless, I think I am suggesting that if you are not interested in being friend-zoned, don’t ACT like you’re interested in being friend-zoned.

AND show up pantsless. I must have been crazy before when I advised against this. This way you know right away where you stand. And probably the police station you’ll subsequently be standing in.

Final Cut


EUGENE, SIR: My ex had asked for photos of us back. “Those” kinds of photos. I emailed him back all of what I had. He put them some place his current partner couldn’t find them, he thought. His laptop or phone, I don’t know. She found them and all hell has broken loose. He and I have been over for more than a year, but clearly these photos were taken while they were together and she’s been calling wanting details and demanding that they all be destroyed. She has taken his phone and now has passwords to all of his email accounts. I know I could tell her I deleted everything, but I don’t like to lie. She is now threatening me with this new California anti-revenge porn law. So yes, things have gotten serious. At this point I’d like it all to go away. Do you know if I broke the law by sending these to him? Also, having him defend me is pointless. He’s scared to death. —Picture Past Perfect

Dear 1,000 Words:

This is a textbook definition of “hand stuck in the cookie jar.” Or, whatever body part seems most appropriate here. In any case, the California law of which you speak, SB 255, passed back in 2013, is part of the state’s disorderly conduct law and considers it a crime if a person “intentionally and publicly” distributes unauthorized nude photos knowing that they will cause emotional distress.

You don’t have to be a lawyer, and I am not, to guess that this is a court challenge waiting to happen. Like in your case. You did, in fact, intentionally and publicly email those photos to your ex. “Unauthorized?” Well I am pretty sure these were well authorized by both parties pictured. But it might be said that you might know that these would cause emotional distress if they fell into the wrong hands, but that’s a big MIGHT.

However, in front of a jury that might or not appreciate your having dalliances with married men, apparently unclear on how run-of-the-mill technology works, who knows? In my mind you’re only guilty if you’re FOUND guilty and it takes the whole machinery of the state to make that happen. And their relationship troubles are not your relationship troubles, really. So until anything legal happens it’s all just chatter that you should respond to by deletin’ and repeatin’.

And in the future? Steer clear of cowards. Good advice under many circumstances.

Ménage Management


EUGENE, SIR: My husband and I have been discussing the possibility of a threesome. But we are at odds over what seems pretty simple. Is it best to do this with, maybe, like-minded friends? Or is this something for which strangers are best suited? — Name withheld

Dear Looking at Life From Both Sides Now:

“Like-minded” friends have to be ferreted out/found/discovered and post facto? That is: after your threesome? Lived with. Strangers have to be ferreted out/found/discovered and post facto? That is: after your threesome? Never seen again, if that’s your desire. Which is to say: What do you both have the stomach for? And being honest with yourself here is totally necessary. Or to be put another way: Next New Year’s Eve, will you be able to party with them without wanting to punch someone in the face? As with the rest of life, this is a fairly solid indicator of which road is to be taken.

And word from the wise with strangers? Hotels. No need to have someone all up in your domestic mix.

Good luck.

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OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.