Celebrity Sex, Eyeballing & More (or Less) Penis

Celebrity Sex, Eyeballing & More (or Less) Penis

Why you should care

Because everyone will laugh at you if you don’t.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Celebrity Sex

EUGENE, SIR: My boyfriend and I were having sex, and he was behind me, and I looked into a mirror because while I like him behind me I don’t like that I can’t always see his face. Anyway, I looked up and saw him looking across the room, and for the first time, I remembered that I had forgotten that the TV was on, and I had meant to turn it off because it’s distracting. He now denies this, but he was looking at the woman on TV, which was as anti-sexy as sex could ever get for me. Mostly because the woman he was watching looked nothing like me at all. What the hell? — Just Call Me Olivia

Dear Ms. O: You know, in life there are things that we all do — pick our nose, fart, drive while singing Beyoncé songs loudly and badly while picking our noses and farting — but prefer that no one knows that we do. And “what goes through our heads when we’re having sex” is a matter that we should allow a lot of latitude, because who among us has not fantasized about being a pirate with a parrot while friggin’ in the riggin’?!? Or, eh, something like that.

My point is that if you were going to be held accountable for what went through your head while you were having sex with him you might have lots of answering to do. Although his thoughts/fantasies had an external focus vis-à-vis the TV, I think it might help if you just saw this as an extension of mid-sex fantasy strangeness and not some really directed erotic ideation. In other words, he’s probably not doing this because he doesn’t find you erotic. I’d suggest he’s probably doing it idly. But I’m also recognizing that I could be wrong. If I’m wrong, you’ve no doubt already gotten ample evidence that this is so. Like he belongs to a Katy Perry fan club. Or he knows the name of Jennifer Lawrence’s dog (Spike).

Just kidding. I don’t know if JLaw’s dog is named Spike. But I do know that sometimes what seems like trouble is only troubling. I’d give him a pass here and turn off the TV next time.

The Eyes Have It

EUGENE, SIR: I just got out of a long-term thing and so have started dating again and discovered that there’s an epidemic of men wanting to look deep into my eyes when we’re having sex. I told the last guy to stop it because it was creeping me out. His response was that he thought I had intimacy problems. That may be, but when did men turn into such sensitive, tender things? — F.C.

Dear Football Club: Since that one time that one woman said something about wishing men were more sensitive. The final nail in the coffin, though, was when some other woman said “You know what I really think is SEXY? A sensitive man.” I mean, I understand the two-step. On the one hand, you want a man “sensitive” enough that he doesn’t mind washing a dish or doing a load of laundry every now and then. On the other hand, him thinking he’s Prince every time you have sex, staring deeply into your SOUL might get kind of wearisome.

Well, variety is the spice of life, but I can see you’d just prefer a little balance. So since right now you’re free — or relatively so — go out and find that balanced beau who’s too busy tearing off your clothes to sensitively plumb your soul via your eyeballs but who’s OK washing those ripped-off clothes afterward. Good luck.

Sex on TV

EUGENE, SIR: I’ve never had sex. One of the reasons is because I worry — my penis is 5 inches when fully erect. Please advise me on how to deal with this problem. — Abhishek

Dear Abby: Since I get this question once a week and I’ve answered it almost every time I have gotten it, I can tell you a few things that might help. The first thing is that the fact that I get the question every week should be a sure sign that you are not alone. In fact, based on every other time I’ve answered the question I can tell you that you are well within what people who study penises call “the norm.” Yes, there are men out there larger than you, but there are also men out there smaller than you. Secondly, there are enough women on Earth that it’s inevitable that, if you’re dedicated to the proposition, you will find one who fits you. And finally, you finding that woman starts with you starting to have sex. Especially if the whole penis-size issue is the only thing holding you back. Or to quote 1960s culture icon Mr. Natural: Don’t let your meat loaf. Hope that helps.

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