Can a Threesome Ever Have a Happy Ending?

Can a Threesome Ever Have a Happy Ending?

Why you should care

Because you’d be surprised how fast your private life can go public. 

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Sobbing + Bobbing

EUGENE, SIR: Are tears an inevitable part of a threesome? My girlfriend keeps wanting us to have one in the name of being “adventurous,” but our two outings have resulted in tears. Are there ways to improve this so that we don’t end up sad? — SR

Dear Survival Research: If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 1,000 times: threesomes, foursomes and group scenes with a partner? A pros-only move that should only ever be attempted by novices if you’ve talked/thought about it a lot. Like a lot. Because you’re going to see stuff that you can’t unsee. Not when you’re eating breakfast the next day, and not when you’re next making love.

If this IS your kink? These will be welcome intrusions. If you were just going through the motions, these will be highly unwelcome intrusions. That being said, stable relationships have a better chance of surviving this kind of fun than those that are unstable. You’ll probably have a better chance of relationship survival, in your case, if you let her drive it versus you picking the partners. Finally, you ever heard that expression “You need this like you need a hole in the head”? Please, first consider if you need this kind of hole in the head, because there are other ways of enjoying this kind of kink than enjoying it with the person you have to brush your teeth next to the morning after. And the morning after that. And after Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah? So to recap: Talk more about it, plan it out, hang back and realize your sole objective in the early outings is just getting through it sans tears. Yours or hers.

Aging Out?

EUGENE, SIR: I have had a relationship with a man since 1990. For the first 15 years our sex life was terrific. I then moved out of town for a better job, and while we continue to visit each other, the sex has stopped entirely. I love this man, and he says he loves me. He is 71 and I am 67. We are still great friends and still sleep in the same bed when visiting each other. This may be a stupid question, but has old age stopped the sex, or is he just not able to perform anymore? I don’t know how to ask him without hurting his feelings. Can you suggest something? — Confused in Colorado

Dear CIC: I wouldn’t be the first to say that relationships are like sharks and that without some sort of forward motion or at the very least the appearance of forward motion, they suffocate and descend to the ocean bottom to rot, molder and be eaten by crabs, lobsters and other crustaceans and bottom-feeders. So, while on the one hand, the constant and continual daily doings of couplehood are absent since you’re officially having some sort of long-distance deal, the fact that you continue to see each other means your rhythms have changed. He may not have adjusted to the change. Or he may be having health issues that impinge on his abilities to have some form of meaningful sex. Or he may be having an affair. Or he may have a simple case of the 15-year blues. Or he may have been frightened by the shadow of a small child on the sidewalk.

You. Just. Don’t. Know.

The reason you don’t know is because you haven’t asked. And asking may be hard, so you must be careful how you ask. Asking if old age has killed his erections or his erections have died of their own accord probably won’t set you up on the best footing to begin a useful dialogue. Asking, in general, is a drag, since it makes it way too easy to be denied that which you want. So how about a declarative statement framing exactly what you need to have happen to make you happy, if not in the long term, at least in the short term. Keep the sentences short. End them with periods. And be as descriptive as possible.

He may laugh at your change of approach or tactic. Do not respond with a let-’em-off-the-hook laugh, or even a smile. You don’t have to act like this is life or death. This IS life. Or death. His response will either be to do what you want or to explain why he can’t. In either case, the Case of the Mysterious Disappearing Coitus will come to a screeching halt.

Write again later if and when you need help with those meddling kids.

Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain

EUGENE, SIR: I have had sex with “Adam” three times, but we’ve been friends for a few years. He did something, though, that confused me, which I thought I’d overlook, but now I think he thinks I either like it or don’t notice it. When we’re having sex, he enters me with his finger and his penis. What the hell? — Jen

Dear Jennifer Juniper: You don’t say how old you are, but that sounds like such an unforced rookie error that I’m thinking if “Adam” is young enough to make it, well, that’s on you. But if Adam is older, well, that’s on him, since whether he’s doing it to create the illusion that his penis is bigger than it is or hoping that the measured pleasure from this is so great that you don’t notice, he has failed miserably. At both. How do I know? Your letter tells me all I need to know. But I could be wrong. Maybe he’s doing it to create greater amounts of friction for him, in which case it might be read as a critique of your crack. A critique you should take with a grain of salt since his size is only your problem short term. In any case, things are made both more complicated and easier given your prior relationship. On the one hand, if you don’t want to get all into the dude’s issues, you can escape under cover of not wanting to lose the “friendship.” On the other hand, if you want to get all into the dude’s deal, you need to finesse this as, even a cursory reading of this column will reveal, men have this thing with penis size. So it may be best to just side step it completely and grab his hands during sex, pulling them up and away from your vagina, and hope that what’s left is good enough to get the job done.

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