Avenging Revenge Porn

Avenging Revenge Porn

Why you should care

Because grading sex on a curve is a big mistake.

Revenge-Porning Problems

EUGENE, SIR: The way I read the revenge porn laws in California, it is now against the law if I send private pictures of video with the intent to shame. So if I publish them — or send them to someone’s boss or coworkers, right? But what if I send them to his wife? Is that illegal? — Name withheld by request

Dear I Won’t Be Ignored: According to a cop friend of mine, that is, a MALE cop friend of mine, no. Not illegal to send pictures or video of a cheating husband cheating to the wife he’s cheating on. But then he, the cop, made a face. The same face that every man within earshot was making, like so often happens when a sports figure or some hapless YouTuber takes an accidental shot in the testicles. Or as we in the profession like to call them: nuts.

A face that suggests a groan is not far behind, because — and after much probing they agreed — this feels like the relationship equivalent of a sarin or mustard gas attack. Frowned on by many and banned by the Geneva Convention, sending sex pics or flicks to the heretofore happy spouse seems like the dirtiest of pool, and not a single one of them could imagine a crime severe enough to deserve this kind of punishment. Which, in my mind, means while their concern COULD be for their own safety, at least some of it stems from the discomfort their now-revealed Technicolor infidelity will cause their spouse.

And though I’m sure some of these men could probably build a causal connection between their infidelities and some marital discord, that’s miles away from thinking it’s not that big of a deal to have the wife see how they get down. Moreover, using this most extreme method of retaliating, in the end, sometimes says more about the user than those it’s used on. I mean no one thinks Assad in Syria is any kind of George Washington, even if they both made similar claims about wanting what’s best for their respective countries. One gassed his people. The other just owned a bunch of slaves.

WHOA. A little off track there. Maybe.

But look, the point is this: I have no idea what end you’re hoping to achieve by sending sex pics or flicks to someone’s wife, but it violates my sense of fair play because she doesn’t need to see, even if she needs to know, that her husband is a philanderer. So, if this you must do, do it with a note or a phone call. Your mercy may not, in the end, be much appreciated, but at least the earth you’re walking on won’t be scorched.

Cervix Consensus

EUGENE, SIR: Sometimes during sex I think I am hitting my girlfriend’s cervix if the position is right. I can feel it sometimes moving out of the way on its own, but when I ask her about it, she says it’s “uncomfortable but not unpleasant.” Does it really hurt and she’s just being nice? — Dan

Dear Danny Boy: Getting tattoos hurts. Giving tattoos is nice. It’s possible for these to coexist, and if you’ve ever gotten a tattoo you really like, you might even think fondly of the person who gave it to you. So it is, that as “noble” as your query might seem, there’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that if it was the bad kind of hurt, you would be stopped. So you’re sort of worrying for nothing.

Or — and this is where I explain your use of quotation marks — this is a humblebrag, and you actually have no interest in the finer workings of your girlfriend’s cervix or her comfort. Making this? Yes: a sophisticated stunt to validate the size of your schlong.

To which I say: You’re better than that, Danny. Now go BE better than that.

TV Eye

EUGENE, SIR: Need advice badly. So I’ve been with my girl for over 10 years, and way back then I didn’t know she had issues. No one’s perfect, I know that, but turns out she really has issues with nudity. If a commercial comes on and if the girls have bikinis on? That bothers her. Everything that has to do with women bothers her, body-wise. A decade of looking away, fast-forwarding through movie scenes and commercials and TV shows with underclothed women in them. I just can’t do it anymore. She promised me she would change if I gave her time … fuck, I’m 40 years old now. I thought I was being a nice guy by putting up with it all these years, but I believe there is no changing her. How do I deal with someone who has such a negative view on the female body? — Dirk

Dear Mr. Diggler: I used to know someone who, when sexy women would appear on the TV, there’d be a fight. “Why don’t you just JUMP through the TV if you want to fuck them so MUCH?!” Something she didn’t scream at the TV when she was alone, I am sure. So it’s not that SHE has problems with it. She has problems with it in relation to you, right? I mean, if she’s watching TV alone, she probably doesn’t fast-forward.

Nah, the problem here is that anyone who wants to get pissed off about the obsessive and compulsive media display of women’s bodies in the open marketplace will find that they spend their time doing NOTHING else. It’s continual, and the question must be begged: Who do these bodies belong to? Because it sure as hell is not the women who are constantly being told they’re too skinny, too fat, have mermaid hips, don’t have mermaid hips, and dozens and dozens of other things that presumably need to be done before they can be WOMEN.

So, yeah, she’s got body-image issues and probably needs to know that if YOU had a problem with HER body, there’s no way you’d have stayed around this long. But every relationship can only support three stressors at most, by my unofficial measure, and ones that have been around a long time have less right to still be around than others.

Either she needs to stop or be OK with you ignoring her uncomfortability. That’s called coexistence. Good luck.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.