3 On a Tree, 1 In a Tub + Dropping Down for 5

3 On a Tree, 1 In a Tub + Dropping Down for 5

Why you should care

Because sexiness wasn’t built in a day.

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Unwholesome Threesome

EUGENE, SIR: I was having sex with this woman and a friend of hers. We’re all in our late 30s/early 40s. In the middle of it, I see a piece of paper get slipped under the door. Which freaks me out a little. So I get off the bed to grab the note. It was from her 10-year-old daughter and asked if we were having sex. The mother screamed that she should get back in bed and wanted to continue, but I was done. When I said I was done, she and her friend started screaming at me. I left but have since gotten lots of shit from both women via e-mail. Them, and everyone I tell the story to. These women were middle-class professionals. Call me an old-fashioned, working-class guy, but this just felt wrong. Do you agree? Or am I “hung up”? —Rich

Dear Richie Rich: You know what? Sex is like restaurant food. Now, if you went to a friend’s house and they served you well-past-the-sell-by-date stuff, you’d feel socially compelled to continue eating largely on account of social pressures and a desire not to hurt your host’s feelings. In a restaurant, you’re freed from the onus of having to be nice. And if the stuff sucks? You push it to the side and stop eating. This is what a sane person does, and if “NO means NO” means anything, it’s that it’s all right to stop and reset no matter what the circumstance. You don’t like the drapes? Pull that rip cord and you’re OUT! The wrong song comes on? Hit the escape hatch.

I mean sex is a delicate proposition even when it involves things like three consenting adults, and I’m sure if you all had to pass kids sitting in the living room watching TV on your way to the bedroom, you’d probably have backed out then and there. I hope. And this is the thing: There’s nothing wrong with ceasing stuff you find to be distasteful. Guys who will never be anywhere close to a situation like that might think you’ve failed somehow, but there’s a reason you were there, and not them, and it has little to do with your failure to “close a deal” and everything to do with you knowing very precisely when a deal should not be closed. And if these women were gamers, they’d have rescheduled. Just my 14 cents.

Rub-a-Dub-Dub: One in a Tub?

EUGENE, SIR: I caught my wife masturbating while I was home, and now we’re arguing about it because I think when I am home I should get the first shot at satisfying her sexual needs. Your thoughts, please. —BB

Dear B-Boy: “Should”? OK, if you learn nothing from this column learn this: Use of a word like should is probably the least sexy thing of all time. “You should eat that caviar” is not something you hear often, because those who find caviar an expensive delicacy need not be compelled to eat it. You see, they want to eat it. Or to look at it another way: You should eat that spinach! Besides which, placing limits on sexual expression is pointless and just creates an environment of secrecy and fear. Kind of like the modern American workplace. So, here? The problem is you, sir.

But here, let me help you, voice-of-experience style: When you walk in on your wife masturbating in the future, if there is that future for you two, just understand that you got there just in time. To? Join in! “HOT DOG! I ALMOST MISSED THE PARTY!” See, this should be your attitude. Which is to say: Don’t talk about satisfying her sexual needs. Get in there and SATISFY them. You can thank me later.

Sexercise

EUGENE, SIR: Are there any exercises you’d suggest that might make it so my boyfriend can physically make it through sex? After about 15 minutes he usually can’t go on. I need more than 15 minutes. —Name withheld by request

Dear Rocky: Well, I remember once reading the average length of time for coitus to orgasm is 11 minutes. That is, 11 minutes of pure poking and prodding. Now, this marathon you’re asking your man to run, this crazy four more minutes? You want advice from me on how to hold it down for the endurance race you’re asking him to run?

OooooKaaay … firstly, planks to push-ups. So from his elbows, the same position he might find himself when he’s in the missionary position, to the palms flat on the floor, arms extended. Also known as the push-up position. He does not need to do a lot of these at first. But doing at least five is a good start. Bent-knee sit-ups are good too. And the one exercise that’s the sine qua non for the sexy? Some sort of cardio exercise to keep the wind up. So 15 minutes for the exercises plus 15 minutes for the cardio should turn him into the bedroom athlete you need instead of the bedroom benchwarmer you have.

And if these don’t work? Well, we’d suggest putting him on waivers — or a player trade. Glad to help.

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