Why you should care

Because your sex life is not going to just jump up and fix itself.

Not Her, You


EUGENE, SIR: I have been having sex with this girl for 10 years, on and off, mostly off. She says that she actually hates sex, is uncomfortable with her body and tells me that my asking for sex is very painful for her. She also often tells me about all the times she has been in group sex scenarios, has had sex with bartenders after closing, and has had sex in the bushes and under bridges. Is this someone who does not like sex?

End note: After writing that question I am very bitter and angry. —Joey

Dear Pal Joey: You ever catch a kid breaking something? You move into the room, see the lamp, the bat in the kid’s hand and the question hangs in the air — who? — and the kid anticipating it hits it hard.

“It wasn’t me,” “The cat did it,” “I blame the terrorists” and so on, in the ardent hope that one of these will stick and conceal the fact that the real and most obvious reason is glossed over since it would just hurt too much, as the kid would have to suffer the repercussions for the telling. This is where you are. After 10 years, every single song and sentiment ever sung by Beyonce about putting rings on it and maybe even paying for cows versus getting the milk for free, or some such thing, have had their time to set, settle and flower into a perfect kind of wall of revenge and absolutely positive sex negativity because you’re not asking the question that she is most assuredly asking herself: Where’s this thing going?

I’m not taking sides here. I’m just pointing out the obvious. She LIKES screwing — she just doesn’t like screwing YOU. And why? For any half a dozen reasons all having something to do with the reasons she’s already given you (also known as “clues”). But hey, you can still make this work for you, provided you’re not swooped in on by someone slightly more enterprising. Just stay the course. Hitting year 15 you might just get a lifetime achievement award for having tried for longer than anyone else and you will “win.” Meaning, if you’re lucky, she’ll have some uninterested, half-hearted sex with you that she will complain about later right before she launches into a reminiscence about how the best sex she had was in the juniper bushes by 7-Eleven.

Which will, at the very least, move you well beyond bitter and angry. Possibly even beyond “sane.” And her? Into a self-satisfied, sadistic glow that she had her 7-Eleven bush cake and got to eat it too.

Chasing Waterfalls


EUGENE, SIR: She warned me. First she said she got very wet. I said, “That’s OK.” Then she said, “Well, actually more than a little wet.” I said, “No, really, that’s OK.” Then she started getting out the towels and asked if I was sure. I said, “Yes, yes,” I was. But I expected a porn film squirt. What I got was a gush that soaked through three sets of towels and was more fluid coming out of a human body than I had ever seen. And I really was OK. But she moved the squirt up my body. She wanted to squirt in my mouth and all over my face. I’m almost game if it is not urine-based. If it is urine-based? Not so game. Which is what? —Water, Water, Everywhere

Dear Jacques Cousteau: The amount of thought I’d given, previous to your email, to female ejaculate, either gushing or squirting, was approximately the same as I’d given to pre-Cambrian paleontology. Which is to say enough to be able to say something especially insightful and interesting and quick at a party before moving off over to the chips and drinking heavily. However, you may be shocked to discover that the mysteries of the female anatomy remain opaque to men and scientists alike. And not only can you find insanely large amounts of dissent over what this fluid is, but, upon Internet inspection, you can even find controversy around whether it exists or not, whether it’s a political plot. Even as recently as 2009 there was a capitulation as some scientists threw their hands up and said they couldn’t figure out, outside of a possibly antimicrobial purpose, what it was good for.

Which almost, sort of, answers your question. Until I remember that some military guys I knew used to proclaim pee a sterile solution that could be used to clean wounds in a pinch. Don’t know if that means it would also be considered “antimicrobial,” but from what I’ve read, while there might be trace amounts of urine in the female ejaculate, it itself is not urine. It does not smell like urine and does not taste like urine. I mean, I have heard. So in the end the reality is that it’s probably about whatever your imagination lets you live with. Sparkling springs or yellow rivers? YOU choose. But kudos to you for being semi-game. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be moving off over to the chips and heavy drinking.

Bottoms Up


EUGENE, SIR: The butt again: Someone once mentioned wine poured in the rectum as a possible playdate activity. Naturally I contacted an ex-porn friend (aka the ass whisperer) to inquire: how? why? I learned that you can get a buzz from that but never actually tried it. Is this a fad or do people still do that? — Hearing It Through the Grapevine

Dear Lil’ Ol’ Wine Drinker You: Well, back in the 1960s something called DMSO (dimethyl sulfoxide) was invented. It was an ordinary industrial solvent that was discovered pretty quickly to have one unexpected side effect: It was absorbed by the skin superfast. How fast? So fast that it was almost immediately mixed with LSD, hash oils and anything else that people who wanted to get high REALLY FAST wanted to get high really fast with. Sure, it had real medical uses against inflammation, but the fun uses and the fact that it sort of makes your breath stink have relegated it to a shadowy side alley standing, and so it is with wine up the ass. It does work, but at a cost.

And since you consulted an expert, we also went to our go-to medical magus, the inimitable Dr. Steve Ballinger, to whom we put your ass wine query. After a professional pause for much sighing and eye rolling, he said, “I’m not sure getting a booze enema and immediately heading to the porcelain bus is anything that can be considered a ‘sex aid,’ but it takes all types. To answer the question, though, this seems to have been more a part of 1990s gay culture, which is where I heard about it. I’ve never heard of straight folks doing it, but it works. The wine is absorbed immediately via the portal vein and does not get metabolized before joining the general circulation, so an immediate and intense intoxication ensues. Please advise your readers that are so inclined that they do this with nothing but box wine.”

So there you have it: People did it, people may still do it, people did it and do it because it works, but if you’re asking me, and it seems you are, I’ve got to ask, is screwing really aggressively improved by being really drunk? Experience suggests not, but what do I know? I’m just a man with a penis. And a dream.

Photography by Shutterstock

Comment

OZYTrue Story

Good stories from around the globe. Essays and immersion, into the harrowing, the sweet, the surprising -- the human.