Sex With Eugene: Faithfully Unfaithful, a Viagra Arms Race + More

Sex With Eugene: Faithfully Unfaithful, a Viagra Arms Race + More

Why you should care

Because the possibility of your feeling shame while asking someone who has no shame about a delicate topic is very, very low.

Disclaimer for people looking to get their own burning, itching, weeping problems solved: This is not medically functional advice!

Unfaithfully Faithful

EUGENE, SIR: I believe that the Ten Commandments were created to minimize social conflict, but it’s only the seventh one I care about: the whole issue of adultery. I can understand that not sleeping with my neighbor’s wife might minimize social conflict and sleeping with her might maximize it. But so what? We don’t have civil laws against it, and that’s all I need to know. Can you please help me convince people that this does not make me a scumbag? — Name Withheld

Dear He’s Not a Scumbag : I love philosophical cul-de-sacs. LOVE them. Took me once a MONTH to come to a satisfying conclusion to the question, “Why not kill?” and so it’s good to see us moving around the Commandment listing. Essentially you’re asking me: Why NOT have sex with whoever you want? Not so much a sex question really as it is a morality question, which is why it’s so difficult to talk about since situationally you have all kinds of different situations. But in general — and applying lessons learned here from the murder conclave — a stable society is a worthwhile goal, and while there are lots of biological, anthropological and genetic reasons for why limiting sex partners makes sense, probably so does minimizing your fat intake, and we don’t do that nearly as often as we should either.

But I did also have a girlfriend ask me once what the difference between me and a scumbag was, and I was as thoroughly prepared to answer then as I am now (apologies to Socrates): that most scumbags live unexamined lives of scumbaggery. Still, you (maybe even me at the time) are a conscientious pursuer of the actual parameters of what might be considered scumbagesque activity by some.

Which is to say that while you might be a scumbag, you also might not be, and in the end it’s probably confusingly activity-independent: Sleep with a man’s wife and people think you’re a scumbag. They find out he systematically degrades her in public? You seem like a hero.

As for convincing the general public? Is this the same general public that gives a rat’s ass about Honey Boo Boo? If so, forget it, you’re on your own. If not, know this: that nothing human should be foreign to you (excepting serious felonies), and if you can deal with husbands trying to shoot you, your wife trying to poison you, your kids possibly hating you and your having a friendship pool consisting solely of vipers and other assorted snakes? Have at it.

Rocks + Hard Places

EUGENE, SIR: I love sex and I like it rough, hard and to be submissive. My biggest fantasy is to be with all kinds of guys at the same time. But I’m in love with a man who is behind bars and may never come home. How do I stay true to him when my sexual desires run so deep and take over me? Or do I let him go and be free and do what’s in my nature? — From San Bernardino

Dear Hamlette : If your old man is a bartender? I suggest you re-evaluate your conception of time and realize that “may never come home” probably correctly ends with “until his shift is over.” If you mean instead that he’s in prison — also known as the stony lonesome, the pokey, the pen — well, that’s something else entirely. And here’s something else entirely: Your liking rough sex, your liking rough sex with large numbers of men and your being in love with a con are both completely connected and comfortably unconnected.

Let me explain: Your man, were he to be out, might not be surprised at your interest in rough sex. I mean I am sure he has a sense of this being the case and so this is no kind of secret from him, I would guess/hope. The large numbers of men at the same time? Well, that might be a bit of a surprise. A surprise and a reality that could probably only be acted on BECAUSE he is in the lockup. Unless he’s really, really progressive, the jump from rough sex to rough group sex might be a bit, um, bracing.

However, you’ve conflated these with your love for him and the complete unlikelihood of his situation changing. So let’s walk through it. Backward. Pascal’s wager-style . If he doesn’t get out of prison and you stop loving him? Do what thou wilt. If he doesn’t get out and you continue to love him, well, you’ll have to answer the dictates of your soul as they square up with that love … which is to say: Do what thou wilt and lie about it. OR just freaking tell the truth. If he does get out and you still love him? Happy days. And if he does get out and you no longer love him? Well, some version of letting him down easy.

But gang bangs aside, my advice is this: Let the man go.

He’s probably already suggested this several times. Because only a mad man would expect perpetual fidelity in his perpetual absence. My guess is that once let go, he’ll sleep a bit easier, and you might even find your desires abate a bit, since it sounds like they’re more a desire for freedom from him than a desire for the wildest of sex acts. And if they don’t? You might not be surprised to find out that almost every major city has a gangbang group where like-minded men can show up and stand around scared to death that you’ll stop for a bathroom break and for the briefest of moments they’ll see themselves as they are: just one of many naked dudes with erections in a room full of naked dudes with erections.

Trading Tools

EUGENE, SIR: You seemed to be not so keen on penile extension or penis pumps, but if people didn’t care so much about this I don’t think it would be so much of an issue, and now that I am hearing talk about penis transplants I believe science is siding with me in that if we can improve people’s lives with science, why would we not do this? — The Whole 9 Yards

Dear Stretch Armstrong : If “people” didn’t care so much? Improving “people’s lives”? I’m sorry but I don’t know of a single woman yet who’s expressed an interest in penile extension, penis pumps or even the apparently almost real thing of penis transplants . And this is part of the problem. This is a man’s issue, and it’s an issue that won’t be going away. I’d anticipate the scientific inroads to giving thems that want an effectively longer, bigger penis to be not inches but miles away. Sure, there might, one day, be “bona fide” medical reasons for enlargement or elongation — accidents, cancer, trauma — but the real reason is, of course, the undying male belief that the root of female satisfaction rests in the size of the sex organ. And when medically “we” can do this as easily as “we” can get boob jobs, there will be the consequent “arms” race and, like with Viagra , a nation of men punching above their weight. Leading “us” to ask: Whose lives are improved when science can send you home with a 12-inch penis?

For a real answer to this question, I guess it would make sense to talk to a man with a 12-inch penis. However, since 90 PERCENT of male penises are between 5 and 7 inches, according to author Tom Hickman, from his book God’s Doodle: The Life and Times of the Penis , you’d be hard-pressed to find one. Which means any woman you’re likely to sleep with has probably not had any better luck than you in finding one.

So, my gentle suggestion? Relax. Relax and realize that millions are made on the ways in which we hate ourselves and our efforts to spend our way to a love that will probably never appear. At least not that way.

Photos by Shutterstock

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