Sex With Eugene: Cougars vs. Kittens, Postpartum Sexy + Bicuriosity

Sex With Eugene: Cougars vs. Kittens, Postpartum Sexy + Bicuriosity

Why you should care

Because following my lead is probably a lot safer than the other way around. 

Disclaimer for people looking to get their own burning, itching, weeping problems solved: This is not medically functional advice!

Kittens vs. Cougars

EUGENE, SIR: My fiancé is older than me and has had lovers older than me and younger than me. When I ask him whether he liked his younger lovers better than his older ones, I get answers that seem less than straight, making me paranoid about something that I’d never really even thought about before. Is it that impossible to answer? I’m 31, by the way. – Kate

Dear Ann Margrock:

Impossible? NOTHING is impossible when you’re having SEX WITH EUGENE! That being said there’s a big difference between sublimely nuanced and impossible. And methinks this is much more the former and much less the latter. Unless your man is a fetishist and has fetishized youth beyond all reasonable measure, OR he’s got a MILF obsession. But for the sake of the sexy, let’s assume here that he’s fairly agnostic.

Which means we’re debating the case on its merits.

Young women: there’s a certain buzz that comes along with enthusiasm and a willingness to put up with an older man’s shit vis a vis actually believing about 80 percent of what would get him laughed out of an older woman’s bed. And if he’s body worshipful, he might actually prefer the more lithesome, toned, shot of youth he’d get from the younger woman. However…

Older women: … come prepared. Why? Because the actual man in question might be largely insignificant to them since their real competitive target zone is full of the not-quite-so-fictional aforementioned younger women. To paraphrase Robert De Niro in the Cape Fear remake, older women are looking to enthusiastically “out-think, out-fight and out-screw” their younger counterparts. You ever see All About Eve? Well, every older woman has, and this is how they see you: conniving and out to do them dirt.

It’s been said that when Picasso was on his deathbed, he and and his long-estranged son had some sort of rapprochement. Picasso reached up and grabbed his son’s forearm and said, endearingly, “You’re young … I … I am old. I wish you were dead.”

True or not, this sums up the sentiment and that sentiment is precisely what makes older women great in bed. Plus, factor in years of a possibly listless marriage bed, knowing very well what they want/like and overcompensating for the fact that no one anywhere is hiring 80-year-old women for lingerie ads, and you have a very motivated seller. Which your man might have found attractive.

But the real issue here is: What’s old and what’s young? To your fiancé? Unknown by me. To me? Old and young are not chronological age designations but more earmarks of attitudes about life and living. Making your line of inquiry difficult to address since a 22-year-old woman whose idea of a good time is church is probably going to get trumped by a 72-year-old woman who’s into orgies. And vice versa. So, your best bet? Note the one root word used twice above: enthusiasm. Tends to trump all in just about everyone’s book.

Unless it’s an enthusiasm for pre-Civil War stamp collections. Then maybe not so much.

Tired parents in bed with child in middle

Source Corbis

Post-Baby, No-Sex Sorrows

EUGENE, SIR: Hello. I’m a longtime reader, first-time writer. Here’s my question: How do you get your sex life back on track after having kids? Our two girls are 4 and 2 and as you well know take up most of our time. Sex is a rarity due to conflicting schedules (I work nights) and general exhaustion after sorting the kids out and so on. We are coming up to our fifth wedding anniversary, and I just wondered if you had any tips for getting things back on track. Many thanks. – N.

Dear S.O.L.: You know, back in the 1970s, when divorce had started to become a fashionable marker of what people did who really wanted to “LIVE” (read: screw a bunch more), the big brains of social scientists worked out this formula for thems that still did actually care about their kids and that’s that the vision-questing parents do their best to communicate to the kids that it “wasn’t your fault” and that Mommy and Daddy “don’t want you to think it was your fault!” and eventually all us kids got the point loud and clear: It was our fault.

So after years of therapy to disabuse of us this notion — and now that most of us are parents ourselves — we know something else: It really WAS our fault. Not in a very specific way but in the general way you’re describing since it becomes really clear: Nothing is quite as anti-sexy as bone-crushing fatigue and orgasm-interrupting requests for glasses of water. But how to get around that? Here’s some news that no one else can tell you but that the vast profusion of articles about “keeping the home fires lit” and ”rekindling romance” should make clear: It’s never coming back. On track or otherwise.

And to think so is to doom both of you to the tyranny of expectation for a bus ride that’s been discontinued. Much better to think about how to forge ahead. Everyone else will say to set aside “time” for the two of you, have “date nights,” wear ”sexy underwear” and so on and so forth ad bad-adviceum.

But because we zig where others zag, I’ll offer these two words that will help much more so than any of that other slop: sex clubs. Return sin to sinful and naughty and wade into an environment that encourages you, for at least a few hours, to embrace “I’ve never done this before.” Even if you don’t do anything other than watch, it’ll be better than watching yourself dying a slow death in front of a flat-screen TV somewhere.

Two men kissing on bed while woman looks on

Source Getty

Bicuriosity Killing the Cat?

EUGENE, SIR: I accidentally found myself having sex with another man. Yes, there was drinking, and there was a pool and a changing room near the pool. Next thing I knew I was in his mouth. I’ve never done this before. He was not from my social circle so I don’t think I need to tell my girlfriend since we won’t be seeing him around a lot, but am I stupid for even thinking that what I really want is a girlfriend? – Portlandia, My Ass

Dear Take It Easy: Look, you might be overreacting here just a little bit. And now that I’ve stopped laughing long enough at “Yes, there was drinking” and “I’ve never done this before,” I think you should be less worried about having gotten a blow job from another dude and much more worried about telling your old lady that you cheated on her. Though I can see you’re focused on the homosexual sex and she will probably, and rightfully so, focus on this as well — because if your desire for men doesn’t just speak to a healthy bisexuality but more lie-living repression, then, well, you both have your hands full.

But here are questions you wanted answered but didn’t ask: 1) Yes, tell your girlfriend. Like you would if you had cheated with a woman. OR if you would lie about cheating with another woman? Then lie now.

While I hate to advise lying as a way to solve problems, if it’s in your wheelhouse to do and you feel relatively sure you’re not exercising a curiosity that will last another 200 or 300 times then, well, it might help buy you some time until you figure out 2) Does this make you gay?

Well I have been assured by relatively learned authorities that the single marker that makes a man gay is … a penchant for having sex with men. So there’s your benchmark. Have at it!!!

Cover Image by Kasia Meow

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