Why you should care

Because it’s better to be judged by Eugene than carried out by Eugene. Or something like that.

The Bed, She Weeps


EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me more than once every two or three months. I think she doesn’t like sex in general, because when she was married she only slept with her husband twice during their two-year marriage. She likes attention, though, and when we got together there was a lot of that and drama, since she left her husband for a woman and all. She says she appreciates my “friendship,” but is there a way to get her to appreciate me sexually, and what’s the deal with this, anyway? We’ve been together three years. —Hot, Bothered, Pissed Off

Dear Gurlfriend, Please: My heart goes out to you. And all of you actually stuck right in the middle of the desert of dearth of sexual satisfaction since the phenomenon is singlehandedly aided and abetted by those sex social climbers I like to call lampreys of lust, or LOLs. This vampiric species, attracted by the heat and light cast off by people who actually like sex, will cling to the sexually active, even for a time mimicking the attitudes and angles of attack of people who really seem to enjoy the activity that they are attracted to, only to slowly and surely, over the course of time, leech the sexy out of sex and leave the host body hot, bothered and, yes, just a little pissed off.

I’m going to assume you’ve already tried “talking” about it. If you haven’t yet, don’t even bother. LOLs love talking about it. Also, chatting about it, miming about it, breakdancing about it, anything other than actually doing it. Also, asking an LOL if she (or he) is an LOL is like asking a thief if he (or she) is a thief: Self-identifying as such will exert a negative drag on the ability to be a negative drag, and so that person will lie about it.

Which will lead to more nonsexy sexual talk and back to square 1 of no sex.

In the end, of course, she can say that it wasn’t like you weren’t warned, and you were. Her husband, though a man and possibly a clod, was what we call in literary terms “foreshadowing.” But you thought YOU’D be different. Keeping thinking that and you’ll find yourself hot, bothered, pissed off, and 12 or 24 years in. And, yes, yes, while infrequent sex is frequently only a measure of each person’s appetites, I think you and I can both agree that six days of sex out of 365 in each calendar year is not enough for teethbrushing, eating, washing or any one of the half dozen things we do to stay sane, let alone sexy.

Is there a way to get her to appreciate you sexually? You mean that also involves sex? No. Why are she and other LOLs like this? Let me answer that question with a question: Why is a cow a cow?

Facialing the Facts


EUGENE, SIR: Someone I had hooked up with pretty recently, and by “recently” I mean we’ve slept together just three or four times, suddenly the other night decided to pull out when he was about to orgasm and tried to ejaculate on my face. I say “tried” because I pushed him away, asked him if he was crazy and have not called him since. I’m no prude, but this just seemed a bit presumptuous. Sorry to send you another “What is it with guys?” letter, but what is it with guys? Is porn to blame? — R.G.

Dear FaceTime: You know what’s interesting? I’ve been doing some version of a sex column — “Ask Euge” for Code Magazine, “The Guy Spy” for Mode magazine, “Avi, Baby” for the NY Blueprint, “Ask Vinnie” for SkullGame — and never one time since 1999 has a single gay or bisexual man ever written to me complaining about their men ejaculating on their faces. At last count, though? Twenty-six women have. Does this mean that gay and bisexual men don’t ejaculate on each other’s faces? Or does it mean, as I suspect it does, that gay and bisexual men don’t take nearly as much umbrage at what you’re considering an outre sex practice?

But I’m not in the practice of making that which is personal, like sex, political, like, um, politics. And I’m not sure you are, either. And in all fairness to those 26 women writing they were not uniformly opposed to the practice, they just wanted a little information on how the male mind was working here. Which I’m assuming is precisely what you’re doing, concerned as you might be that the symbolic impact of having your face ejaculated on by someone you’ve only recently started dating might be a warning sign connected to deeper issues of respect and blah blah blah … look, he may have watched a few too many porns, but sex is sometimes about the quality of transgression. And this may be probably a fairly benign form of it.

However, if you’re not into it, you’re not into it (and on the flipside: if you’re into it, you’re into it). Case closed. The deeper issue is “Is this a relationship-ending faux pas?” Which depends largely and probably solely on you and your answer to the question: Does the prospect of this turn you on in even the slightest, smallest way?

Chasing Chub


EUGENE, SIR: I have slowly gone from sleeping with average-looking girls 20 years ago to mildly unattractive girls 10 years ago. Then beginning five years ago, horribly, physically unattractive women. Now don’t get me wrong, I know the difference between good-looking and bad, but recently I have found myself completely disinterested in “hot girls” and drawn to the exact opposite. I watch the weight-loss commercials and see the “before” pictures and am like “oh yeah.” And when they show the “after” pictures, I zone out. What is happening to me? —ChunkStyle

Dear They Ain’t Heavy, They’re My Dates: With a modern culture, commercial and otherwise, chocked to the gills with stultifyingly similar ideations of feminine attractiveness, you are doing the only thing a sane person can do: voting with your penis. And what you’re voting on? A little space to develop fantasies of your OWN. A sense of sexy that has nothing to do with a high-heeled-shoes stepping out of the open door of a Corvette in a scene we’ve all seen in almost every movie ever made, including Brokeback Mountain , maybe. By picking women that no one else is copping to finding attractive (even you) , I’d say you’re in a very specific and directed way creating space in your head for the embrace of a fantasy tailor-made to your own personal peccadilloes.

Either that or completely enjoying whatever low-grade humiliations come from dating outside your grade.

In any case, my hope for you? That you’d realize that nonstandard beauties are sometimes seriously underrated and unless your actual sliding scale eventually comes to involve nonhuman companions, you’re probably doing just fine because more so than almost anything else: This is all just in your mind, eye-of-the-beholder-wise, I mean, and beauty really is only skin deep.

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