Why you should care

Because the fate of your genitalia may depend on it.

EUGENE, SIR: Simple question: Is anal sex healthy? —Sir Mix-a-Lot

DEAR Making an Ass of U + Me: Kale is pretty healthy. Avoiding fried foods is also pretty healthy. Staying out of polar bear enclosures at the zoo is probably Job No. 1 if you like being healthy and staying that way.

But anal sex?

First off, it must be said that this sudden uptick in questions regarding anal sexification — or, more scientifically, “rump riding” — seems perfectly in keeping with the Journal of Sexual Medicine’s Vital and Health Statistics’ indication that more people are doing it.

Hunh, what, where?

Well, it claimed that in 2002, only 35 percent of women ages 25 to 44 who were not lying said they had tried anal sex.

But eight years later, in a 2010 survey, there had been a percentage uptick that showed about 46 percent of women in the same general age grouping who were not lying enjoying the aforementioned practice.

Though we strongly suspect this survey was done by a guy named Sal-what-lives-down-by-the-boardwalk in Coney Island, this is our second question regarding the rectum, and so we have to somewhat applaud the modern world for fetishizing every field of human endeavor into the dust of failed imaginations. But this is not about me ranting. Wait … yes, it is. But it’s also about answering your question.

So, here it is:

Therapist and sexologist Jack Morin in his Anal Pleasure and Health says, sure.

Like we needed a guy with a Ph.D. to tell us that. With some basic rules of the road, it can be fun for all involved and — providing these rules are followed — long-term pitfalls (namely prolapse and maybe not-so-rumored loss of rectal elasticity) can be avoided.

Fun and continued anal health? That’s sort of our definition of healthy. One last proviso: Variety is the spice girl of life, or some such thing, so having it in the mix is great.

Making it the mix? Not so much.

Disclaimer for people looking to get their own burning, itching, weeping problems solved: This is not medically functional advice!

EUGENE, SIR: Is it true that oral sex may cause cancer? “Michael Douglas”

DEAR Basic Instinct: Offering medical proof to justify your lack of interest in just about anything is something we fully support. And so do 97 percent of the kajillion doctors we surveyed. But your question is serious and was probably kicked off by a famous celebrity’s much-publicized battle with throat cancer, which he creepily connected to his love of cunnilingus. Not creepy because it’s cunnilingus but creepy because of the celebrity in question.

Neither here nor there and no need for us to dwell on the 69-year-old actor (yes. The Douglas is that old) and his penchant for the punanny. No, don’t think of the leathery skin of his wattles jiggling back and forth, while he, red-faced and angry, grunts and groans and performs as much cunnilingus as his aged body can handle. No. Do NOT think about that.

Woman's mouth with red leaves coming out of it

Source Gallery Stock

But we are going to think about the human papillomavirus (HPV). Which can lead to throat cancers. Via fellatio and cunnilingus. But lots of things can lead to cancer — plastic bottles, cell phones and reality TV topping my personal list — and according to Johns Hopkins School of Public Health’s Gypsyamber D’Souza, Ph.D., as explained at an American Society of Clinical Oncology meeting in Chicago, the risk of developing head and neck cancers for people whose partners have HPV-related cancer is very low.

“Couples will infect each other with whatever they have, anyway — oral sex will neither increase nor reduce infection risk,” D’Souza said at a press briefing covered by Medical News Today.

Which in my book means…? Eat away. Right after completely driving away any and all thoughts of aged celebrities facedown, hair plugs up, in as much crotch as they can handle.

For more filthy questions and irreverent answers, check out volume 1 and volume 2 of Sex With Eugene (like you haven’t already).

EUGENE, SIR: Is it true that men prefer to release their sexual fantasies with lovers rather than their girlfriends/wives? Why? —I’m Every Woman

DEAR Distaff: One word: reinvention. Which is to say it’s hard to reinvent while being watched, coached or judged for the interest in that reinvention. Or here’s a better way to say it: It’s just easier doing it with someone who won’t feel indicted by your sudden interest in pirate outfits and codpieces, like an actual partner might in thinking “Have I been wasting the best years of my life NOT being a pirate?” (Alternatively: “Will I now have to waste the next best years of my life BEING a pirate?”)

Good questions all.

But I met a 77-year-old cab driver in Tel Aviv once who told me that he got tired of cheating on his wife, so he drove his girlfriend over to meet his wife, and after much screaming and crying, an adjustment was made, and they’ve lived as husband and wife and wife, happily, for the last 20 years.

He thought I was stupid enough to buy that as the ending of his Hollywood tale, but we watched each other in the rearview mirror as the cab sat idling at the airport, and I asked “and?”

And he told me what we both knew: “My apartment is too small for me to move the new girlfriend in there, too.

“Plus, they would kill me.”

The point being: his girlfriend and his wife had melted into a “gwife” and what he needed most — for them to be anyone other than themselves, no matter how briefly — was now being satisfied by someone who most assuredly would be totally unconcerned with the garbage, rent or yardwork. Hence: a perfect other, disengaged from the heavy lifting of life and right where you’d want your vacation spot to be.

Sorry for being the bearer of bad news, but it’s life that crushes lust. And since you can’t lose the life while keeping the lust, do the best you can and hope that your man eventually tires out. Like the blotchy and liver-spot-mottled celebrity mentioned above.

Which you need to stop thinking about.

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