Why you should care

Because Eugene feels your pain. Actually he doesn’t, but it sounds good to say it anyway.

EUGENE, SIR: We’re a gay couple, age 31 and 32, together over four years. Our problem, despite what the hetero-normative world thinks, has to do with anal sex. Neither one of us wants to get it that way, but both of us want to give it that way. I usually give in more often than my man, but usually we end up with just oral sex and masturbation or … anger and no sex at all. Is there a way out of this culo de sac? Oh, and we’re asking you since we imagine hetero men have a long, hard history of negotiating their way in, whilst having no intention of reciprocating. —Yeah, Butt No

DEAR Bass Ackwards: Hahahaha … oh, man. Sorry to have made light of your predicament, but, well, actually I’m not sorry at all since what I’m responding to is the aggressively passive hostility at play in your first and only paragraph. Palpable. Powerful. And a personal delight to all lovers of barely suppressed hostility, like me.

Butt on to your issue — see what I just did there? — and the deeper ramifications of the hole in which you two find yourselves. While I am no psychiatrist, I think there’s a possibility that you two are dug deep into a place from which any and all escape will be impossible.

And wherefore? Simply because a sex life — usually, ideally, a wild field of interplay between giving and receiving — has calcified into completely fraught ass-related issues in which being accommodating is viewed as surrendering (and not in that good way) and not being accommodating is viewed, and possibly rightfully so, as refusing to play fair.

But what you’re forgetting is the reality that in human relationships the ratio of things you want to do versus things you don’t want to do will never forever shake out in any one specific side’s favor unless the kinks perfectly match.

He likes modern interpretative dance, and you like modern interpretative dance? Winner.

You sort of like reality TV, and he sort of dislikes it? Quasi-not-loser.

You want to give some hot ass love right after getting some hot ass love, and he wants to owe you? Losers.

My suggestion? Since you’re both going to lose if the two of you keep tallying anal winners and anal losers, I say you find a man whose ass treats you right — and leave him to do the same. Which is not like losing, more like quitting. Yay for quitting!!!

EUGENE, SIR: I’m getting jazzed with new ideas because I have a new lover who things are just heating up with. Who do you think is the most exciting male porn star in the world as far as reliably making women freak out with excitement? Some bald white guy over at Reality Kings does a fine job, and Rocco Siffredi used to, and that black guy at Evil Empire (Justin Slayer or something) does well. Any other “geniuses of the art” you would recommend? — C from Denver

DEAR Mile High: The most exciting male porn star in the world as far as reliably making women freak out with excitement would probably be me. Outside of the fact that I am neither a porn star nor a man.

Though, I could be lying on that latter point.

Which is just another way of saying that my picks in this regard will probably include a few of my pals. Despite being Patient Zero in the most recent San Fernando Valley syphilis scandal, my now-retired (do male porn stars ever really retire?) pal Mr. Marcus was a reliable producer of excitement. (I’ll be doing a True Take on my time with him in no time.) I’ve seen women who claimed that they were not “into” porn be mesmerized by his, um, work. Add the slightly rougher and almost totally unintelligible Nacho Vidal and the piquantly named Erik Everhard and you may have yourself a troika of well-toned pumpage.

That being said, weaving porn in this early to the relationship mix is like saying “I quit!” right before they fire you.

EUGENE, SIR: My boyfriend is watching so much porn and jerking off that he doesn’t want to have sex later at all, mostly because he’s tired. Why? What can I do to change this? Is it my fault? Should I break up with him? (I really don’t want to do this, but I also want to have sex.) — Is It Me?

DEAR Yes It’s You: There’s no way to pussyfoot around this. On a base, binary level, if he liked screwing with you more than he liked jerking off without you he’d most assuredly do the former. To think anything else, you’d have to buy the “he has a problem” argument. Also known as the “he’s confused/troubled/struggling/needs help” argument. All of which constitute what we in the profession call “a crock of shit.”

But is there flex room? Well, there is the possibility that he’s just doing it to elicit a reaction from you, and here’s where we can help. Vis-à-vis “the reaction,” and there are three.

1. Watch him when he masturbates. Silently. Expressionlessly. Periodically sigh.

2. When he masturbates? You masturbate. Loudly. Expressively. Periodically sigh.

3. Have sex with people who want to have sex with you. (Subsection A? If you are into women as well, see if he’ll buy the whole “It’s just sex with women” dodge.)

Glad to be of fair-to-middling service to you, ma’am.

Cover Image by Kasia Meow

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