Why you should care

Because widespread voter fraud is a phantom menace that deserves to be exposed.

For more of Max Canard’s April Fool’s “coverage,” check out his exposé, last year, of the Apollo moon landings.

The buses come rumbling into Hanover, New Hampshire, before dawn on Tuesday. Their combined cargo numbers in the hundreds, each chartered Cavalier coach spilling forth dozens of sleepy-eyed passengers in North Face fleeces, their well-manicured hands hidden beneath the Ralph Lauren quilted tech gloves that clutch at their smartphones and Dunkin’ Donuts coffees. But this is no ordinary Tuesday, and these out-of-towners aren’t here to watch the fall foliage turn from gold to red. It’s Election Day, and they’re here to ensure that this November, New Hampshire’s fall colors are going to include blue.

Voting by a person who is knowingly unqualified to vote is a class B felony in the Granite State, but nobody here is worried about up to seven years in prison and a $2,000 fine. These poll-bound migrants from over the border in Massachusetts know that election laws are seldom enforced, and even if the locals notice the influx of strangers at their polling booth, the worst they’re likely to suffer is a “Go back to Baw-ston.”

The dead have been voting in American elections for centuries.

 

Many within the Beltway have laughed off President Donald Trump’s suggestion that Hillary Clinton won the popular vote because millions of illegal voters threw their weight behind her candidacy. But, in many ways, Clinton’s failed bid for the presidency broke new ground, showcasing a get-out-the-vote operation that put even Barack Obama’s 2008 effort to shame and brought millions of “new” voters to the polls, despite what looked, by all appearances, to be much lower voter turnout. If Obama succeeded at assembling a coalition of young, female and minority voters around his candidacy, Clinton united another behind hers: a combination of border-crossing progressives, undocumented immigrants, duplicitous college students and even the undead. Here’s the exclusive, never-been-told story of the true scandal lurking behind the 2016 election.

The Voting Dead

Frank S. knows how to handle the dead. As a retired undertaker in Mebane, North Carolina, the 74-year-old Democrat has always felt more comfortable around the recently deceased than the living Republicans that dominate politics in his neck of the woods. It started off innocently enough. When Frank’s older sister, Clarice, fell into a coma about a decade ago, he started voting for her, choosing the candidates he knew she would have supported. After she passed away, though, he kept on voting for her, and then for her late friends as well, and pretty soon Frank was commanding his own personal delegation of zombie voters and enjoying the rush of orchestrating a chorus of Democratic voices, and votes, in his local community.

The dead have been voting in American elections for centuries. John F. Kennedy’s narrow victory in the state of Illinois, and in the 1960 presidential election, is attributed by many online historians to the thousands of voters who punched their ballots for JFK from beyond the grave. The impact of America’s voting dead, however, has always been hindered by one overriding challenge. As Frank puts it: “Turnout is a bitch.”

As an undertaker, Frank enjoys easy access to local death records, but it wasn’t until 2008 that he decided to go a step further and take advantage of the opportunity afforded by a digital age and North Carolina’s lenient voter ID and early voting laws. After taking a correspondence computer course in which he learned to use “the webs,” Frank took his scheme to the next level, creating a massive database of deceased voters over a three-county area and enlisting help from Democrats in the area (translation: acquaintances from a nearby retirement community) to vote early and often on behalf of the region’s “former” constituents.

According to a 2012 Pew report, more than 1.8 million deceased individuals remain on voter rolls, and it is believed that 81 ex–North Carolinians voted in 2012. In 2016, however, while the media was focused on raising skeletons from the candidates’ pasts, Frank was raising Lazarus from the dead — or 8,408 Lazaruses, to be exact. Which candidate won the Lazarus vote? “Oh, Hillary did, hands down,” he says. “She did very well with the dead.” In the end, it wasn’t enough — Clinton lost the Tar Heel State by some 150,000 votes — but that doesn’t deter Frank, who is confident that, by 2020, enough “newly deceased Trump voters” will have crossed party lines to put the state safely in the blue column. “This assumes,” says Frank, who has been suffering heartburn since January, “that I don’t die first.”

Swing State U.

When the letters arrived from college admission offices back in 2013, Stacy R., then 17, of Naperville, Illinois, couldn’t believe her luck. She had been accepted by all of her top choices: Harvard, Princeton and Yale. There was just one problem: All three prestigious universities were located in blue states. A politically active double major who grew up in a blue state, Stacy had always dreamed of going to college in a state where her vote would matter. So she chose her fallback school, the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, instead — a top-notch public university with a great football team, but more important, one located in a swing state, meaning that when Stacy’s junior year and the 2016 election rolled around, she could vote in her home state of Illinois and in the critical battleground state of Michigan. Bypassing the Ivy League, Stacy became a Wolverine … and waited.

When Stacy landed at the Ann Arbor campus in the fall of 2014, more than half of the students hailed from outside the state — the highest percentage since 1999 (the year before the Bush–Gore showdown). A number of these students came from overseas, especially China, but the bulk were residents of large blue states like California, New York and Illinois — and they hadn’t come for the bleak Michigan winters.

The Framers never envisioned a nation in which so many Americans would move so frequently across state lines, own multiple homes or engage in forum-shopping when it came to their most sacred responsibility as citizens: the vote. But, according to the 2012 Pew study, about 2.75 million people have registrations in more than one state. And thanks to a 1979 U.S. Supreme Court decision establishing that college students can choose to vote in their home state or in the state where they attend college, by far the most flagrant — and progressive — of America’s illicit “double voters” are some of its youngest. “College provides a forum in which young people can rebel and try new things,” says P. J. Carlson, a voting-fraud expert at the conservative think tank Vote America First — “whether it’s pot, premarital sex or election fraud.”

Stacy, for one, has come to regret her youthful experimentation with Michigan and double voting. After her candidate, Hillary Clinton, lost Michigan by over 10,000 votes, Stacy, now a senior, finds herself looking down the barrel of over $100,000 in out-of-state tuition-fueled debt with only a public university degree to help pay it down. Like so many of the idealistic students who manned the Clinton campaign booths on campus, Stacy says she will most likely have to return home and live with her parents after graduation. “It was a really dumb thing to do,” she admits, hopeful that a booming Trump economy will someday bail her out.

Sanctuary Precincts

Bernard Langer is many things, including a two-time Masters champion and winner of more than 100 major golf titles. But the 59-year-old German and U.S. resident is not an American citizen. Yet, this past Election Day, something compelled Langer to turn up at his local polling precinct in Boca Raton, Florida. After being informed by a local official that he was ineligible to vote, Langer noticed something strange: Ahead of and behind him in line were voters of Hispanic descent who did not look as if they should be voting either — yet they were somehow allowed to cast provisional ballots (this account was confirmed by President Trump but denied by Langer).

Boca Raton is a popular retirement destination and over 90 percent Caucasian, so someone in Langer’s circles could go weeks without noticing anyone who is nonwhite or under the age of 55. Which is one reason the scene he witnessed on Election Day may be the tip of the iceberg when it comes to another major voting problem: noncitizen voters. Several studies over the years have concluded that illegal immigrants are less likely to commit crimes than people born in the U.S. — with one notable exception: voter fraud. Dolores P., a noncitizen house cleaner in Boca Raton, claims her undocumented status makes her fearful to even jaywalk most days, but when it came to the 2016 presidential election, she was ready to risk all manner of felony to vote for Clinton. “I’m with her,” she told OZY. “Even if they lock us both up.”

According to one Old Dominion University study, up to 14 percent of noncitizens like Dolores are registered to vote, which means as many as 800,000 votes for Hillary Clinton in 2016 were cast by noncitizens such as those Langer apparently witnessed. (A rebuttal study by Harvard scholars later claimed “the likely percent of noncitizen voters in recent U.S. elections is 0.”) Again, despite the boost from the illegal-immigrant constituency and “sanctuary precincts” like the one in Boca Raton, Clinton ultimately lost Florida by over 100,000 votes. Carlson is hopeful the increased deportation rates will help curtail the number of illegal voters by 2020. “In the future,” he says, “we can’t depend on German golf pros to police our polling places.”

* * *

Back in Hanover on Election Night, the bars are full and the buses are warming up for the return trip to Boston. Cheers go up when the state of New Hampshire is called for Clinton, but it will be one of the few causes for celebration in what will prove a devastating night for the town’s temporary residents. The good news for those assembled is that the odds of getting caught for illegal voting remain minuscule, and an Electoral College landslide for Trump will be transformed into an illegitimate presidency thanks in part to their illicit efforts.

Could such illegal voting acts, however, really account for the almost 2.9 million votes the president would have needed to capture the popular vote? “Absolutely,” says Carlson. “Illegal immigrants, college students, double voters and the dead voted overwhelmingly for Clinton, and when you add up their combined numbers, you’d have to be delusional not to recognize that the president also convincingly won the popular vote.”

Just don’t tell any reporters. They wouldn’t believe you. Especially today.

Happy April Fools’ Day!

About the author: Max Canard has previously written for OZY about his role in faking the Apollo moon landings.

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